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hi all, I'm typically on the adoptive parents forum as our adoption almost 3 years ago was domestic infant adoption. we've recently updated our home study, and we are hoping to adopt infant or toddler. We got a call last night about a 3 yo. The child has been with mom whole life. Without going into the circumstances of the situation (although there is no abuse, no legal reason she cannot parent), my DH says he would always feel like he's the one who took this child away from the only family ever known, even though he knows logically mom is making the choice whether it's us or someone else. We're not going to be shown, (we want to maintain birth order, and this child is a little older than our son) but I was wondering from those of you who've BTDT, how do you help a three year old? My son is almost 3, and I cannot imagine him all of a sudden having to go live somewhere else. How heartbroken and confused he would be...because there is the possibility we will be bringing in to our family a toddler, i want to be prepared. i posted on the adoptive parents threads, but someone suggested i cross post here. thanks in advance.
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I was that toddler. Almost 3 when my mom left me with family. I know it was hard on my Aunt and Uncle. When I asked they told me I was very angry, very confused. I thought they were keeping me from my mom. My mom would drop in to visit once or twice a year. I was with them for 4 years. I still think of them as a second mom and dad.I know they loved me a lot. They hugged me a lot. They did their best to explain. It was a little different as it wasn't even a full guardianship kind of situation. It was here watch my kid for a few years. There was no permanence to it.I know it's traumatic for toddlers to be separated and some of the issues from that separation will last the rest of their life. They can be dealt with but they're still there.I don't have any advice really except to say I know it was hard but I'm sure some of the foster parents can give you better advice. I by the way, am a happy, well adjusted adult who is married in spite of those issues that still linger.
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Thanks, dmariehill. One of our biggest concerns is that he'd think we kidnapped him, took him from his mom. And while the hurt might be the same in child protective cases, there is none of that here. It's not like we could say we needed to provide him a safe place to live...thank you for responding.
We adopted our youngest out of foster care when he was just shy of three years old. He had spent his first 18 months with bio mom, then next 18 months in FC (a year of it with the same Fmom). The transition was really important and we had regular visits with his Fmom for a while (we now only see her once or twice a year). And it took a good year for him to settle in. If you haven't read it, "Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft" has good suggestions about facilitating bonding with toddlers.
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