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Hi there,
I am really struggling with something and I am hoping that someone can help. I am an adoptive mom of an 11 yr. old girl. She was adopted at birth and she is very close to both my husband and I and her sister, who is also adopted. In the past couple of years, she has started to cry periodically about missing her bmom and wanting to know what she looks like, etc. I know that this is very normal and we have always tried to be understanding and loving about her questions. We have told her that when she is 18 she can try and find her bmom and meet her. The problem is that she wants to meet her NOW. She keeps asking why she can't meet her now and that she doesn't want to wait.
The other side of this is that altough the adoption wasn't closed, it wasn't open either and both parties agreed to that in the beginning. We know where the birthmother is and send her pictures and letters regularly, unbeknownst to my 11 yr. old. I know that the birthmother wants contact with our daughter even though in the beginning she did not. The bmom never married and has no other children and she has made it clear that she pines for the one she gave away.
In the meantime, I feel like I am living a lie. I am telling my daughter that she can find her bmom someday (because I want her to wait until she is 18) and all the while I send the bmom photos and letters a couple of times per yr.
You might be wondering "If your daughter needs it and the bmom is fine with it, why don't you just let them meet or at least just show her a picture to satisfy some of the curiosity?"
Well, the reason is that knowing my daughter as we do, my husband and I both feel like showing our dd the only photo we have of the bmom will only make her want to meet her more. If we did arrange for them to meet, I know that the bmom would be all too happy to jump in and be her new bff. I am okay with communication of course, but I do not trust the bmom 100% to respect our boundaries as parents. PLUS, when she is a teen, do I need her contacting her bmom to complain about how mean and horrible we are (what teen doesn't hate their parents at some point in those years??).
In addition, I do not need a teenager telling me the advice her bmom gave to her regarding a sitution...especially if it goes against what we are saying as parents. Bottom line, we just think it will open up a pandora's box of strife for all of us. When she is
18, we have raised her and she will be able to navigate through her emotions better regarding adoption. At that point, I would fully support her meeting her bmom and so would my husband.
My plan is to continue to tell our dd that we understand, love her no matter what and then when she does reunite with the bmom as an older teen, tell her that we have sent pictures all these years and ask for her understanding about this. All I can hope for is that she understands this. I hate seeing my daughter suffer when she cries about not knowing her bmom (which happens every few months or so) and I feel selfish for not wanting anyone else to interfere with the me and my husband raising her.
Any thoughts?? I feel as if I am standing in the way of two people who want to meet each other, but then I feel like "What about me and my feelings? This baby was given to me for me and my husband to be her parents..so why can't it just be us for 18 yrs and then she can reconnect with her bmom??"
Any insight as to what an adoptee feels or any other advice would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. Our other daughter is a toddler, so that is why this isn't an issue with her as yet.
Thank you
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EX2luv: that is great advice. I think the whole thing was prompted by a friend who is also adopted. The friend has a very open adoption where the bmom was already a family friend. She sees the bmom all the time. I think that made my dd wonder about her bmom. We are going to share pics as I feel as if that is not too much to ask. The rest we are going to just monitor is slowly and age-appropriately. Thanks for your input! K
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Hi Katie. I read your post with a lot of interest. I am a young adoptee. I am now 18 and was barely 17 when I found my birth mum. I can completely understand how your daughter feels. All I ever wanted was to find my BM I was obsessed and a nightmare in school and home. It becomes an obsession (or at least from my experience).
However a year and a half down the line I regret finding my BM early. I was a young and naive 17 year old. It forced me to grow up before my time and left me feeling alienated from my peers. As when they were worrying about boyfriends or what to wear to the next party I was worrying about my parents reaction to my BM etc.
It has been a highly stressful and emotional time for me and I definitely lacked the maturity to deal with it. Subsequently my psychological and physical health has suffered. Leaving me getting bad headaches and often needing very strong painkillers etc.
Sorry for looking at the negatives on a lighter note I know have a fantastic relationship with my BM and love all her family dearly. But it's such a hard experience. Don't underestimate it.
Anyway sorry if this seems patronising as I am sure you know whats best for your daughter and this is only based on my experiences. I wish your daughter all the luck :) xx
All I can tell you is that in all my expierence as a search angel and an adoptee the earlier the better.
My parents helped me search at 16 because I was a mess. It would have saved me years of pain. 11 is around the time you start to actually want to look pretty and begin to look in the mirror and wonder who you are. I used to wonder before that but 7th grade is the big time you begin to form your identity.
My Amom could have told me to wait until I was 18 but she helped me and in doing so I will always be grateful.
The wondering and mystery was solved. I could go on with my life....I agree with the fairy tale thing. You are not related to that lady who was a birth mom someone knows or the girl who looks like you or Stephen Tyler or prince harry....just average people with 9-5 jobs.
I read this thread with a lot of worry, We know the first names of our AS BPs and not much else. They both wanted a completely closed adoption plan. I know a bit of his birthmom heritage, her occupation and approximate age. Less of the BF, age and occupation. They both refused the pictures we are obligated to send the agency. I know the day will come when he wants to know about them. I just have no answers to give him.
Klav,
I was adopted during the BSE, so I was a closed adoption as well. My adoptive parents told me what they knew about my BPs. Just be honest with your child.
You don't need to talk about the refusal of the pictures (or that they wanted a closed adoption) because you don't know what that means. Sure, it could mean that neither parent cares about the child, but it could also mean that the parents cannot handle the pain of seeing or hearing about their child growing up without them.
The important thing is to be entirely open to talking with your child about his/her adoption issues as they arise. If you are anxious when your child brings up his/her concerns, it will be felt by your child, and your child will be less likely to bring it up again in the future.
Best to you.
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Ok I am not to sure what you and your husband have decided to do but when I hear that your daughter crys and mourns for her natural mother, that pains me deeply being adopted myself. Do you realized that she is mourning the loss (a death really) of her natural mother. She was separated at birth of her natural mom, the one who she knew right from conception, she knew her voice, her heartbeat, her smell..she felt safe with that. Then she was put into the arms of strangers and she is suppose to be Ok with that? I am not too sure how much research you have done on the affects of being adopted but you really need to purchace these books by JOE SOLL....The primal wound and Legacy of the Adopted child Coming Home to Self. He also has a website that is fully informative. I think you need to understand that even though you are her "mom", she feels disconnected...who do I look like? where do I come from? Why do people tell me I am special or chosen when I did not have a choice? there needs to be more support groups for this....more doctor's need to be aware of the hardships adoptive children experience. Adoptee's are mouning the death of their natural mom, Natural moms are mourning the loss of of their child and adoptive parents should be mourning the loss of the child that they could not concieve on their own...adopting does not solve that loss...This is so serious and I hope you do your research for that beautiful daughter of yours who NEEDS to know who she is, who she looks like and where she has come from...she needs to be given the chance at a life without heartache and pain....it only gets worse as she gets older......
OP- I hope that things are working well for your family. I am an adult adoptee who knew that I would be reunited with my birthmom since I was in kindergarten. My adoptive mom fought it tooth and nail- and I resented it every step of the way. A big part of that, however, was because she was very hypocritical. Be open and honest both about what you will allow and how you recognize her feelings as valid, real and her own.
You are still the parents and you have a right to set boundaries. Since communication is through the agency- I would suggest setting up paramaters where your daughter could exchange letters with her birthmom -and possibly see some pictures-through the same agency contact. do not read her letters- let her have that much control over the situation. Explain to her that this is all you are comfortable with right now and that you want to see how much she can handle. She's obviously being influenced by her adopted friend. Offer counseling as a way to let her vent her frustrations/emotions. Make sure that she's aware that her letters to and from the birthmom will be reviewed by the agency go between to ensure that identifying info is not disclosed. She'll probably rebel or storm at these intrusions, but this is an area that trust and maturity have to be proven- by both sides. As she matures and you are comfortable with the level of communication you can let more and more info open. You may both have periods where you expect it to close down or to open fully. When she turns 18, she will completely control the situation but for now you can set your own boundaries. Make sure that she is aware that you are there to be supportive- as well as protective- because the birthmom is still an unknown person. Her pain and loss need to be addressed and probably by professional support. She's entering a very emotional, hormonally charged time and helping her learn how to cope with this step by step will be an important growing experience for you all. Good luck!
I was adopted when I was 5 or 6 months old and I can allways remember knowing I was adopted. My family told me. I also remember when things did not go my way I would allways screem I want my real mom and dad. From the time I knew I was adopted I was obsessed with finding them. I just new there was something better on the other side. It wasn't until I was over 30 years old that I realized that I had wasted precious time with the family that adopted me. Yes I still would love to know more on my biological family but it is different now. I feel for you and the decision you are going to have to make. It has to feel good in your heart. Good luck!
Hi Katieb55 - I just read all of your post and my heart goes out to you and your situation with your daughter. I adopted my son as a baby three years ago and will be dealing with these issues as he grows up. I know you have received some helpful advice from the other posts, and if your seeking additional advice, I just wanted to let you know about free phone [url=http://bit.ly/4Oy2AB]Counseling Services and Referrals - Focus on the Family[/url]. In my time with this non-profit organization, I have referred many to their helpful resources. They also have an article series on [url=http://bit.ly/Kf5QFH]Your Child's Adoption Life Story[/url] and [url=http://bit.ly/KP4j8W]Birth Family Relationships[/url] that I hope will be useful to you. I'm praying for God's guidance for you in your parenting decisions, and that your daughter and entire family will be surrounded with His love and compassion. God bless you!
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To Momluvslgg,
Thanks for that info - what a great resource! I have read all the posts and really appreciate everyone's input. My daughter's emotional wellbeing is of upmost importance to my husband and I. We are moving forward with being more open and giving her the information she needs. I will look into the articles you mentioned as well. Thanks!! Katie
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hi....im adopted.....ummmmm....im sorry but i cant agree with your statagy....any secrete's you keep from her she will probably be very angry about later...i was and still am...and what would happen if her birth mom died before she could meet her....she would prob. never forgive you....all i can do is go off my own feelings...i missed my mom every birthday, never felt adjusted and morned over her....she was gone by the time i found my family. just my opinion....but your daughter has a rite to have her questions answered...i would definitely show her the picture so she could finally see who she is.i know that sounds strange but its what i felt growing up. maybe you are worried she will not love you or love her more....but if anything happens you will loose her forever....im sorry...not saying i have all the answers....but i do have the feelings and experience. God bless