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We adopted my son 2 years ago when he was 1 year old. We have a very open adoption with his bmom (shes 18) and have never met bdad, as he is in jail.
We signed an adoption ғcovenant with the agency regarding pics and visits. I think it was a monthly pic for the 1st 6 months, and twice a year the 2nd year?? I really have no idea. I have been sending pics monthly for 2 years now. ItԒs anywhere from 10-30 pics. I tend to send more to bmom than bdad. When he does something cute, I want her to see. When I get a great shot of his huge beautiful blue eyes I can not wait to share it with her. I know she says she loves to see them, but there have been a few times where I also think it upsets her and she wasnt honest to me about it. Like sheҒs been happy and having a great day, and gets home and its in her face, a reminder etc.
I have struggled with this the last few months҅about whether its healthy for her to get pics every month, even after 2 years҅ but it has never felt right to say okӅI am now sending pics a few times a yearŔ so I continue to send them every month, but have been making a conscious effort to cut back on the amount each month.
We also agreed toӔ 2 visits a year for the first 3 years I think...I cant remember that either LOL. It was about 6 or 7 visits the first year, and 4 or 5 the second year??
Right before Christmas I got a call from bmomҒs drug and alcohol counselor. (Bmom signed a HIPPA form so I could be notified about things) She said that the last visit really sent bmom into a downward spiral with drinking, and up until the visit she had been doing great for months and months. This really ripped my heart out. The counselor also said that bmom did not want to see my son for a planned Christmas visit, but instead just wanted to visit with just meand she wanted the counselor to tell me because she felt bad. I felt sad for her, but I totally understand. The 2 of us went to lunch and it was really nice. We talked openly (I think ) about what is good for her as far as contact. She told me she likes getting pics every months and looks forward to them. She said she doesnŒt know when she wants to see him again though because it hurts so bad and makes her want to use to numb herself. Againripped my heart out.
BmomŒs drug and alcohol counselor followed up with me with a phone call later that day and said the visit went great, and bmom was happy and in a good place after the visit. She brought up the issue of pics and visits. She doesnt think itҒs a good idea for bmom to see my son for about 6 months, and bmom doesnt WANT to see him ғuntil at least the summer. Ok. fine. I have an expert telling me that, and bmom herself, and her sobriety is crucial and most important, so thatԒs what well do. My son is almost 3 and doesnҒt get it yet, so I dont have to worry (yet) about him being hurt, asking about her etc. There is a pic of her in his room, and when he sees it, he says her name, and that is the best way for me to keep her alive and present in his 3 year old little mind. So we are all on the same page about visits right now (us, bmom, and drug counselor.) The drug counselor also said that bmom really needs some ғspace and time to heal and not the constant ԓreminder from monthly pics, and emails and texts, back and forth with me. She said she canԒt move onӔ and heal when every time she turns around there is a pic or email or text that reminds her, brings the sadness back etc. This area is more greyӔ for me because I flat out have asked bmom if pics upset her, and she always says no, and that she loves them etc. I am just so torn. I truly love bmom with all of my heart and want her to be a part of our lives, and include her etc, yet I dont want to do anything to compromise her sobriety and her well-being. She makes some VERY bad choices when drunk and high.
So҅I have a drug and alcohol counselor telling me to back away from sending pics, but bmom herself saying pics are fine, they dont upset her, and she actually looks forward to them. I am so beyond torn and conflicted and would love to hear from b-parents about this and anyone else who wants to chime in.
Thanks!
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I think in this case, you listen to birth mom. She is telling you what she needs in terms of visits and you trust her there, and if she is telling you she wants the pictures, then you respect that too. You and I are pretty much in the same boat. My girls came to us at 12 months and 2 months, and are now almost 3 and almost 4. Their mother also spirals - and has chosen not to visit for almost 7 months now BUT I know that she LOVES the pictures she gets. The kids are at an easy age -- they are not "missing" out on contact. They have no idea what they are not getting in terms of visitation, and like you, a picture in their room does the trick as far as keeping the person familiar and not a stranger. In this case, I think you are on the right track. And I think the drug and alcohol counsellor probably thinks that is best, but I am not sure it is in the end.
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How about sending the pics to the couselor and letting the couselor show/give her the pics when he feels she is ready. There doesn't seem to be another way to judge when the best time would be to send pics, so having a middle person there who is in that position would help keep the communication open and also allow the couselor to guide Mom. I'm an adoptive parent and have an open adoption with the parents of our daughter who was 2 when adopted her. It is so bitter sweet. I know they love to see pics and talk to her(she's 4), but at the same time, I can see the extreme saddness in their faces. I know the first year we did not have the 4 visits we agreed to because Mom just couldn't do it. It has gotten easier for them now.
I would not base this decision on what the drug/alcohol counselor is saying. Unless she has relinquished a child, she does not have first-hand knowledge of what it is like to do so. You don't exactly "move on" or "heal" from this loss, but rather learn to cope with it as best as you can, as it is a lifelong loss with complex grief that sometimes is (relatively speaking) easier to deal with, and other times, rears its ugly head when you least expect it. I just get my hackles raised whenever a so-called expert talks about what is best for us or how we need to "move on." It's condescending, for one, and often completely inaccurate.
I also don't like using this woman as an intermediary and giving her the control over showing the pics to the birth mother. At some point, your child's birth mom will need to learn to express if something is too much for her or if it is triggering her drug/alcohol use. THAT would be something productive for the counselor to work on with her. As of now, she is telling you she is fine with pics. I would take her word for it and continue as you have been.
You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I don't think in the long run it does much good to withhold things or walk on eggshells around those struggling with addiction or try to protect them from themselves. It sets up a co-dependency that is not healthy. She has to learn to handle herself in difficult situations with regard to her own addiction. I don't think it's up to you (or her counselor) to do that for her.
I truly love bmom with all of my heart and want her to be a part of our lives, and include her etc, yet I don’t want to do anything to compromise her sobriety and her well-being
As a birthmom who has an extremely open relationship with adoptive parents and our daughter in my opinion you have to listen to mom on this one.
It sometimes tears me up for days after I see her, but in the long run it is what is best for both of us. I know she is ok, I know she is happy, and I feel good about my decision. Personally visits are always harder on me than pictures, even to this day I struggle sometimes and she is 16 now!
I'm extremely allergic to the thought of letting this counselor make the decision about pictures for the birthmom. With all due respect, even though well-intentioned, she is asking you to go back on an agreement you have with birthmom. That is just good to ask you to break your word.You had already agreed on the visit thing -- so the counselor articulating that is merely agreement. You will have a relationship with birthmom for the rest of your life, as will your son. The counselor, no. So I think you need to honor your commitments to the birthmother in a different way than requests by the counselor.I honestly think I would tell the counselor, if she calls again, that I think two conversations with her about her client, without her client present, are enough. I actually think one call was enough. At some point, she becomes someone trying to run her client's life via remote control, by controlling the behavior of others. I don't think that's quite reasonable.Yes, birthmom may slip from sobriety again. No one is perfect. But somehow she will, I believe, eventually find the resources within herself to maintain as sober. Your faith in her will help with that. What I'd do vs talk to the counselor, is ask birthmom if there's anything she'd like you to do that would help her stay sober. And I'd ask specifically if she'd rather have pictures every 2 or 3 months? (and keep asking over time, but not in pushy fashion). Ask if she'd rather have less pictures.I had a foster toddler for 1.5 years, which meant, "mommy, mama, mom!" from about 2 weeks in. About 2 years after he left, his adoptive dad sent me one picture via email. It was of the child's back. I would have known him anywhere. I can tell you it was worth its weight in gold for me. Also that I cannot face visiting him. How people manage it is beyond me.
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I agree that a counselor is way overstepping by trying to control things outside of the session. The counselor's job is to help provide coping skills for life outside of the sessions, not manage life for her.
Maybe you could ask her how she would feel about cutting the pictures back for a short time while she gets her sea legs on. She may be torn and afraid of cutting them off. Especially since she couldn't bring herself to tell you herself that she couldn't see him. I think with a lot of reassurance that she isn't a bad person and that you support her in all of her efforts to get into a better place, and that you are doing this as a team, if cutting the pictures back would be best for her, she may feel more at ease with telling you that. It sounds like she has some grasp on what her triggers are and what she needs.
What a great heart you have.
Is it possible to use something like photobucket where you could post the pics as often as you want and she could check as often as she wanted to for new pics? It wouldn't be as in your face as coming home to an email. As a bmom from the silent era, who received NO pics of D as a child, I can tell you that all it took was seeing a child his same age could send me into a tailspin on a bad day. D brought me a picture of himself at about 3 to our first f2f and I cherish it.
Maybe you could ask her how she would feel about cutting the pictures back for a short time while she gets her sea legs on. She may be torn and afraid of cutting them off.
I would listen to the birthmom on the issue of pictures. When I placed my son 20 years ago, I was not allowed to see him or hold him after her was born because the doctor and nurses thought it would be "too hard on me". I have never gotten over it and it haunts me to this day. I get my hackles up when some professional tries to overrule a birthmom and prevent her from getting something she wants because it may be "too hard on her." You could set up a snapfish account or a private fb page or some other electronic media so that she could look at pictures whenever she wanted. If she was having a hard time she could choose not to look at them for a while. The point is, she would be in control and not some counselor. I'm sure the counselor means well, but like JustPeachy said, they have no idea what they are talking about in this situation.
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JustPeachy
I would not base this decision on what the drug/alcohol counselor is saying. Unless she has relinquished a child, she does not have first-hand knowledge of what it is like to do so. You don't exactly "move on" or "heal" from this loss, but rather learn to cope with it as best as you can, as it is a lifelong loss with complex grief that sometimes is (relatively speaking) easier to deal with, and other times, rears its ugly head when you least expect it. I just get my hackles raised whenever a so-called expert talks about what is best for us or how we need to "move on." It's condescending, for one, and often completely inaccurate.
I also don't like using this woman as an intermediary and giving her the control over showing the pics to the birth mother. At some point, your child's birth mom will need to learn to express if something is too much for her or if it is triggering her drug/alcohol use. THAT would be something productive for the counselor to work on with her. As of now, she is telling you she is fine with pics. I would take her word for it and continue as you have been.
You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I don't think in the long run it does much good to withhold things or walk on eggshells around those struggling with addiction or try to protect them from themselves. It sets up a co-dependency that is not healthy. She has to learn to handle herself in difficult situations with regard to her own addiction. I don't think it's up to you (or her counselor) to do that for her.
alys1
I'm extremely allergic to the thought of letting this counselor make the decision about pictures for the birthmom. With all due respect, even though well-intentioned, she is asking you to go back on an agreement you have with birthmom. That is just good to ask you to break your word.
You had already agreed on the visit thing -- so the counselor articulating that is merely agreement. You will have a relationship with birthmom for the rest of your life, as will your son. The counselor, no. So I think you need to honor your commitments to the birthmother in a different way than requests by the counselor.
I honestly think I would tell the counselor, if she calls again, that I think two conversations with her about her client, without her client present, are enough. I actually think one call was enough. At some point, she becomes someone trying to run her client's life via remote control, by controlling the behavior of others. I don't think that's quite reasonable.
Yes, birthmom may slip from sobriety again. No one is perfect. But somehow she will, I believe, eventually find the resources within herself to maintain as sober. Your faith in her will help with that. What I'd do vs talk to the counselor, is ask birthmom if there's anything she'd like you to do that would help her stay sober. And I'd ask specifically if she'd rather have pictures every 2 or 3 months? (and keep asking over time, but not in pushy fashion). Ask if she'd rather have less pictures.
I had a foster toddler for 1.5 years, which meant, "mommy, mama, mom!" from about 2 weeks in. About 2 years after he left, his adoptive dad sent me one picture via email. It was of the child's back. I would have known him anywhere. I can tell you it was worth its weight in gold for me. Also that I cannot face visiting him. How people manage it is beyond me.
JustPeachy
I don't know. At 18, and in a "one down" position, and trying to handle addiction on top of all that, if my son's parents approached me and even made the suggestion of cutting pictures back, I would have taken it very hard and taken it to mean THEY wanted to cut back. I would have also probably felt intimidated to stand up and strongly assert "NO, I want those pictures" in that scenario. Just MHO. I was also afraid to come out and ask for anything (I had a semi-open adoption through an agency intermediary). So if pictures were no longer being sent (even if I was the one who said "don't send them") it would have been very difficult for me to ask for them again.
Gwen72
I would listen to the birthmom on the issue of pictures. When I placed my son 20 years ago, I was not allowed to see him or hold him after her was born because the doctor and nurses thought it would be "too hard on me". I have never gotten over it and it haunts me to this day. I get my hackles up when some professional tries to overrule a birthmom and prevent her from getting something she wants because it may be "too hard on her." You could set up a snapfish account or a private fb page or some other electronic media so that she could look at pictures whenever she wanted. If she was having a hard time she could choose not to look at them for a while. The point is, she would be in control and not some counselor. I'm sure the counselor means well, but like JustPeachy said, they have no idea what they are talking about in this situation.
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