The Door

Love. The word stirs up so many emotions and feelings. A lot is captured in that one little four-letter word. Sometimes you think you know what it means and other times you doubt everything about your definition of the word love. For most people love begins at birth; your parents have an unconditional love for you that is like a magnet: it pulls you together and it feels like nothing can separate your love for each other until you become a teenager and think you really know what love is. Young love is so intense, and, at the same time, so fleeting. I was loved beyond measure when I was a child ֖ and continue to be loved unconditionally by my parents. And, I am blessed to know what true love means: my husband and I have created something that is too special for words and even after more than 24 years together as a couple, I love him more every day. The more we go through as a couple the sorrows, the heartache, the joys of life ֖ the more I realize how thankful I am that I grabbed on to him when I was a shy, scared 16-year-old and never, ever let go. And, now, I sit here as a 40-year-old woman and marvel at how my life has taken a most unlikely turn a turn that I fought so hard to resist ֖ but, when I finally gave in, my life changed; I became more meӔ. Let me explain. I think turning 40 hits every woman a little hard. There are lots of random thoughts that fly through your head, Have I done enough for my family?Ӕ, Have I done enough to give back to the world?Ӕ, Have I done enough for me, to be the person I want to be in this crazy thing called life?Ӕ The last question was a hard one for me. It was one that Id struggled with for 25 years, when I first learned at 15 years old (on the day that my dad sat me down and told me that he and my mom where getting a divorce) that he, the man that had always been my dad, the man that I adored, wasnҒt my biological father. Talk about a double-whammy in one day! Of course, being the introverted, thinking, keep-everything-to-myself-and-dont-ask-any-questions-as-it-might-upset-people person that I am when it comes to very personal things, I kept all my thoughts and feelings buried for 25 years until I turned 40 and something just ғclicked in my brain and I had to find out about this mysterious person that was (is) my biological father. In March of this year, my church was sponsoring a womanԒs retreat in the mountains of Southern California. I had gone the previous year and secretly enjoyed every minute of it; I knew I wanted to go again. Something was calling me back to the mountains. Something spoke to me and I knew I had to go back. One of the activities that I knew we would be doing was walking the labyrinth. In addition to be an introverted, thinking, keep-everything-to-myself-and-dont-ask-any-questions-as-it-might-upset-people person, I am also a person that doesnҒt like to give up control or think that I need help. But, for once in my life, I needed to try to let myself be and see what would come into my heart. I was a little hesitant about the labyrinth as it sounded a little too earthy and new age-y for this tried and true Midwestern girl. Even the definition is new age-y: a labyrinth is a path; a metaphor for the journey to the center of your deepest self and back out into the world with a broadened understanding of who you are. Its very powerful҅if you let it be, if you let yourself be. Being up in the mountains with a group of powerful and strong women and hearing their life stories, I realized that no one gets through this life with a free ride. We all have our burdens to bear. I was actually quite shocked to find that some of the women that I assumed had an easy life or had everything all together were some of the women that had the most heartbreaking stories. But, they chose faith and the right path and didnt let their circumstances define who they were. I wanted to be one of those people. I thought that maybe I was becoming one of those people, but I needed to find out one last piece of the puzzle: I needed to pray in that labyrinth for the strength and patience to reach where I had never allowed myself to reach and see if someone would reach back. I prayed for guidance that day on the mountain as I walked the labyrinth and something spoke to my heart. The day after I came back from the mountains I wrote an email to my biological father and asked for my medical information. Sending that email was one of the most frightening things I have ever done. I was putting myself out there for rejection and heartbreak Җ a scary thing for anyone and an especially scary thing for a girl who claims to be tough but, really, deep down inside, has always been afraid of rejection. That week I checked my email at least every 5 minutes for an email from my biological father. Time seemed to stand still would he answer, would he care, would everything I thought all these years be true: that he never thought about me and never cared to know me. I thought, after 40 years, it didn֒t matter that there was a man out there that shared the other half of my DNA. But, come to find out, it did matter to me. The day the email from him finally arrived I was sitting on our porch, in the sun, listening to the fountain running with my husband and animals by my side. It was where I was supposed to be when I received an email that would change my life: it is a place of calm. Every emotion that Id dreamt in my 25 years of not knowing about this man vanished when I got his kind email saying that he was sure I had many questions and that I was free to ask. The door had been opened. Everything that I thought I knew turned out to be wrong. I donҒt yet know the whole story of my beginning on this earth, but I do know that I have someone that wants to take this journey with me and know me as a person. Has it been hard? Yes, its been hard. ItҒs the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life, but I am learning so much about myself and about the people that care about me. We are all walking this path together. And, I have even more respect for my dad Җ the one that raised me and loved me as his own. He made sure that I had a great home and a great life and love. I will always be forever grateful that he choose me to be his daughter; Im one lucky girl. And, at 40 years old, IҒm finding out that Im still one lucky girl. A girl that was afraid to open that door and see what was hiding there. A girl that was so afraid of not being loved that she hid her own feelings and wants deep in her heart and didnҒt bother to explore them. A girl that has experienced more tears, more heartache, but also more love, in the last 6 months, then she could have ever imagined. My life was blessed before I decided to search for a part of me that I didnt even realize was missing. It is even more blessed now that that part has been found. I found this quote by Lee Campbell soon into my journey and it sums up the path IҒm walking perfectly: Oh, to meet you once again! To pick up the thread that I left dangling so long ago, to weave it into my life, to finally emerge whole. Oh, the peace and wonder of it.Ӕ The door has been opened and I am emerging whole.