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My son and I reunited 7 1/2 years ago and it was great for the first few months. It started to go wrong when he was angry at something I said about my mother and he twisted it. He was angry that I had made the comment and backed off. This began a cycle of we would geton okay then he would be angry at me for what thought were stupid reasons such as me telling him happy memories. He would twist every thing I said to me until it all exploded in 2009. My son accused me of things I hadn't said or done. He finished by telling me he didn't want contact until I sorted myself out. I was so shocked I didn't respond. The only times I have contacted him was to tell him my mum died as I knew he had intermittent contact with my family and sent a medical update of me vis his adoptive parents.
It saddens me that we couldn't get on and I'm too scared to try again with him.
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Thank you for the suggestion. I was really hurt at the time and too scared to make any contact for a long time. It's only a few more months till the 1st anniversary of my mum dying which has got me thinking of him more often.
Sending a birthday card will be a good excuse to show I'm still thinking of him.
I am a firm believer in the power of the truth and love. It will move mountains. Sometimes it's hard to be the one who is ready when the other person isn't.
I do hope things work out. It certainly would be appropriate to send a card to tell him that you are thinking of him. It will keep the door open.
Good luck.
I have got a card so all I need to do is send it now. It's not long now (1st April) till the first anniversary of my mum's death and it's made me more aware of my own mortality. I know that sounds morbid but I do have health problems so I want to make sure I send messages even it is just cards to my son to let him know I will always love him.
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Do you think his anger was about what you said, or perhaps as you two got closer- his anger was in response to being adopted? I remember loving my father so much when we reunited but it was a double edged sword. As my love grew, so would my anger- that I had missed out on so much.
Forgive me if it sounds simplistic, but that may be what happened....I don't know.
Julie
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Hi,
I was adopted, have a younger brother (now 44) who was adopted, and we have a sister who is our a-parents biological daughter. My brother has been in reunion with his birthmother since 1991 (she found us).
He treats his birthmother like crap off and on, and will go for long times without contacting her. I have spoken with him about this. As far as I can tell, his reaction is from the original wound of relinquishment.
J, my brother, once bellowed at his birth-grandmother for not making potato salad for Thanksgiving (not something she usually made). When she made it for him, specially, then he yelled again saying she lied to him.
The reality is, he's angry that he was given away. He blames the women (his birthmother/grandmother), although it was his maternal grandfather that forced his relinquishment. His anger emerges in an unhealthy way off and on over ridiculous things.
My advice would be to keep in touch with him, always be patient and kind.
I try to explain to my brother the situation that women find/found themselves in, but often the males do not understand the situation of women and they lash out. J has slowly come around, but he still suffers.
Hope that helps a little.
Julie and summerhill93,
Thank you both. I have thought about your responses and there does seem to be a pattern to his anger. Each time we have got close he has then come back at me over really stupid things. It's as if my mum son is scared to get close to me. No matter how he behaves I will always love, I may not like his behaviour but I can't stop loving him. We are so much alike in many ways that when we have spent time together people who know he was adopted are amazed by this. Those who don't know assume I raised him.
I know my son has a lot of anger to do with adoption. He hates what my parents did to ensure he was adopted plus his father wants nothing to do with him. I got the blame for that.
Please be patient with your son. He has every right to be angry! We can't blame him for that. However, we can set boundaries by letting him know that we can understand his anger but that it isn't ok for him to direct it cruelly at us. We need to be the responsible adult and let our children know every month or so that we're thinking of them and love them. It's understandable that adoptees would need alot of reassurance that no matter what happens they will never be rejected or abandoned by us. It's understandable that he could be testing and acting out to you to make sure you 'stick'.
We can never have too much empathy for our lost children.
Fear of Mommy Love
by Joe Soll 조 살 , LCSW, Author of Adoption Healing… a path to recovery;
Years ago, a 60 year old adopted woman joined my weekly support group meeting. Her first words were, “I want to search for my mom... I know how to deal with “rejection” but what if she accepts me? I don’t know if I could handle that.” And she started to sob.
What is this really about? Over the years I’ve heard so many adoptees express, directly or indirectly that they were afraid of being loved, especially by their natural moms. How could this be so? Why would anyone be afraid of being loved by anyone? And by their own mother?
I remember when my own therapist said she loved me. I wanted to crawl inside the couch in terror. Thank God she understood and helped me understand.
We adoptees lost the most sacred and intense love relationship in the world. The reasons why don’t matter. What does matter is that we lost what we needed the most both psychologically and physiologically. On some level we always knew it was missing and always longed to have that love.
As a child it would have been easy to “re-connect” and feel it. However, if as an adult if I allow myself to feel the love of my mother, I have three (usually unconscious) problems.
1. Recognizing this as an issue can be terrifying in and of itself.
2. If I let myself feel it, I will feel what I always wanted and what was always missing and the pain of that thought can be terrifying. Terrifying as well is the anger that surfaces when I see what I lost. I fear I will either explode in rage or die from the pain.
3. Trauma victims (the loss of the mother/child relationship is a trauma of the highest order) always believe the trauma will repeat so, if I let myself feel it, my mother will leave again and I will die.
This fear of mommy love can sabotage a reunion in the blink of an eye without anyone being aware of what is really going on under the surface. Moreover, if I am afraid to be loved by my own mother, I may well have difficulties letting anyone truly love me.
This is not a message of doom. We can overcome our fears.
My method of doing this kind of work is Inner Child work. (IC)
1. We must help our IC understand that she/he was and is lovable.
2. We must help our IC grieve the loss of the mommy/child relationship.
3. We must help our IC understand that she/he will not die from feeling mommy love, even though it “feels” like it.
4. We need to trust that our mothers will not leave again and that they do not want to experience this trauma again any more than we do.
5. We need to realize that even if our mothers leave again, we will not die. We are not babies anymore, we are adults and will survive. We survived that loss as a baby without any help from anyone so surely we can survive as mature adults.
This work takes time and effort and commitment, however, if we can do the work, we will be more able to let the important people in our lives truly love us and we will come alive in a ways that we never thought possible.
We will be able to live our lives in happy healthy ways.
Spring is here, time for renewal. How about giving yourself this gift of feeling loved?
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Thank you for posting that. I know my son had quite a lot to deal with from my family which didn't help. I joke that my family make The Addams Family look normal but on a serious note they have given him mixed messages over the years. The door will always be open for him and I have been healing inside so that makes me a stronger person.