When is it just time to walk away ?

I can't answer for you, I can only say that I will not walk away from my bson. I love him unconditionally and will always be here, when and if he chooses to contact me. He currently has a busy life between work and growing family. Actually, none of my children call me on a regular basis... They all know I'm here and I love them.

Maybe it is time to slow down? I am by no means an expert as I am years away from a "reunion", but I can't imagine anything that would make me walk away. But I could definitely see myself trying to move to fast and overwhelming him, and I would hope that someone on the outside could say,"hey...just slow down" I know that you have years and years of love for her to "make up" for, but maybe, and I promise I am not trying to be mean, but maybe she doesn't see that. Maybe she doesn't see you as her "mom" or her kids "grandmom". It is possible that if you back up a little, cut down the number of times you call, write, email, text, the number of packages you send, etc she might be a little more open to it. Maybe let her know that your door is always and forever open to her and her family and that you would love to see the grandkids, or even just pictures. Also tell yourself that sometimes life is to wild and crazy and depending on her age she may be busy trying to get life going and she may always be more open to a relationship as she gets older. I hope things work out well for you! :-)

I'm very sorry you are hurting. It sounds.. from the 1000 foot view.. like you would like more contact than she. Perhaps she has anger issues and is not as ready to engage as you. Clearly, she feels more connected to your sons than you If all this is true.. If she has unresolved issues, blames you for something, feels resentful at the obligation of your relationship... Perhaps sees your gifts as passive aggressive way to bully her into engaging with you..? IF that is reality, can you alter your behavior in a way that might allow you two to have a relationship going forward? If not, then yes.. you'll need to walk away

Are you able to talk to her and ask her what she wants out of a relationship with you? You may have different expectations than she does.

I haven't heard from my son for years but I still occasionally send medical updates so he knows the door is still open if he wants contact. It wont hurt to let her know from time to time that you are thinking off her.

My husband has been blessed with the opportunity to reunite with his 30 year old daughter who was adopted by her mother's husband at 8 years old. Long story made short, E's mother developed breast cancer when E was 8 years old. Through much deception on my husband's ex-wife's part she was able to file adoption papers and since my husband had not had contact with E for 12 months (We were living in a different state and his ex-wife had stated that E's physician had asked that he stop visiting for a while due to some issues E was experiencing with throwing up every time we visited with her.) Any way the laws in Ohio at the time were either no child support payments or no visitation with the child for 12 months so unfortunately the adoption went through and there was nothing my husband could do. His ex-wife stated that she could not accept the fact that E would have to come and live with her birth father's family if she were to pass away from her illness. That did not happen. She is now 64 years old and quite alive. E contacted her birth father 3 and half years ago via an email at his place of employment. This led to a wonderful loving reunion. Our entire family was extremely accepting of E and we learned that we had 4 grandchildren. Over the past 3 years we have had many wonderful visits and fun excursions. We've been camping, visited a haunted house, sled riding, visited theme parks, roller skating, among other activities. Suddenly one evenng I received a call from E. I'm not quite sure why she did not contact her birth father but I was slammed with all the frustrations and anger that had apparently been building up inside her. It was a 2 and half hours of unpleasant conversation. It appeared that she was taking on her mother's anger toward her birth father and their divorce 29 years ago. I did not become angry but stayed calm and focused telling her we would always love her and had never stopped loving her. However, from that point forward the relationship has not been the same. She did eventually call her birth father (my husband) and explained that her mother has been threatening suicide if she continues to have a relationship with her birth father and his family and she did not want to be responsible for her mother hurting herself. She stated that she has lived with this situation her entire life (her mother threatening to commit suicide when she did not get her way). My husband fully understands where she is coming from as his ex-wife threatened suicide many times during their marraige. E stated that her mother has tried to get help but nothing works. We now have 4 grandchildren that ask when we are coming to visit and when they can come to visit us. We have not seen them since August of 2011. My husband is hurt and angry that E continues to allow her mother to manipulate her. Does anyone have any advise as to how we should proceed with this relationship. E stated to us that she wants to have a relationship with us but it has to be kept from her mother. She lives 4 hours away from us and we are no longer allowed to spend the weekend at her house because she is afraid that either her mom or adopted father will drive by and see our vehicle there. E has stated in the past that her mother supported her having a relationship with her birth family but apparently she has changed her mind. Her adopted father is very angry with her that she contacted her birth father and E continues to feel that she is always being pulled in the middle between both sets of parents. We have 2 daughters so E has half-sisters but due to the way she has treated us they are not very happy with her behavior at the present time and quite frankly feel that she came into our lives just to hurt us. This is such a sad development. E expressed that we are so much fun and her entire family loves to spend time with us. We are a very generous family and have celebrated every holiday and birthday with nice gifts. E stated that she felt that we were trying to buy their love that they appreciated the gifts but they were not expected. Any advice?

I would like to respond from the perspective of another adult adoptee that's also in reunion with her birth mother...who HAS essentially "walked away" from our reunion. First, Kakuehl thank you for sticking by your son regardless of his behavior. Thank you for loving him unconditionally...trust me, he needs that, especially from you! Thank you for realizing YOU are the parent and parents shouldn't "just walk away". I think of all the times my children have tested my limits...and still do on a regular basis (even at the ages of 17 and 21) and I would never think of just walking away. I brought them into this world...they didn't ask to be brought here and as their parent, I am committed to always "have their back" even when they don't respond to me the way I wish they would sometimes. That's how parenting goes sometimes. I fully realize how trying these reunion relationships can be. I think most parties enter into it very emotionally fragile which doesn't help matters much. I am not suggesting that anyone be a doormat for anyone else I am just suggesting you do things for your son or daughter simply because you want to do them for him or her... without any expectation or reciprocity. IMO that's unconditional love!

Thank you all for your replys.............. I have always Tried not to push my daughter its always in her court on how things will go. For 3 years we talked every week. I know she has a Family of her own now. and things change. I dont ask for much from her other than photos and mybe a call to say thank you. I try not to let my feelings get hurt but they do. And just like almost ever time I start to feel bad she will call. It was not even an hour after I made my first post she called..... Said thank you and I will send you pics soon. I will not hold my breath but I sure would like them :rolleyes: . Her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I sit her wondering if I should send a gift or just a card ? I really thought after all this time things would go kinda easy I know I will always be on this roller coaster of a ride ..........thanks again

I reunited with my son 22 years ago shortly after his 18th birthday. The early years were difficult, mainly because we were dealing with his serious drug addiction to crystal meth. His behavior could be obnoxious, even violent back then. But I knew I was in this relationship for the rest of our lives...because I made that commitment to myself, to my son, and to my God.Like Kathy said, I love my son unconditionally with every ounce of my being. He's been clean and sober now for about 17 or 18 years...but we still have misunderstandings from time to time. Sure, there are times when we're angry with each other or when we unintentionally hurt each other's feelings...but such is the way of life.I do not understand and will never understand how mothers who surrendered their children to adoption and who were blessed to have them come back into their lives can just walk away from them. They aren't cheap dates that we can replace...they are our children.

As an adopted person; I feel it's sometimes necessary to set boundaries for your own sanity but I agree that closing the door twice is extremely harsh. It's not easy to navigate these waters. I think that in some cases a dialogue could provoke better understanding. If you put all of your cards on the table and explain how painful it is to be waiting perhaps there could be an agreement. Before you close the door I would suggest you risk airing exactly how waiting makes you feel. There are so many innuendoes, differences in behaviour and expectations that are unspoken. If you aren't getting the thanks you feel you should receive say so. Gifts are sometimes overwhelming...and set a bar for reciprocation for some people. The symbolism could be deeper as well. Money and gifts are "tokens" of affection and given without expectations sometimes but to someone who is not in a situation to give back it's a debt that makes them feel uncomfortable. Talk about that. The post about E is a horse of a different colour. I don't believe it's fair to blame E for the manipulation she is caught up in caused by the ex wife. She can't control this woman's behaviour and the stakes are high. Your husband knows that. I wouldn't make her life any more complicated than it already is. The pressure of living with someone who has a mental illness and that's exactly what threatening suicide is; must be extremely difficult. She likely can't see anyway out having been raised by this person. She found your husband and he may be the only lifeline to normalcy she has. Don't blame her for not being able to do the healthy thing by setting a boundary with this woman who has emotionally placed her in bondage. The woman may be narcissistic and they have tantrums and threats constantly. It's an extremely unhealthy environment for a child. Try to be as supportive as possible and perhaps encourage her to read about how to deal with narcissists.

My husband has been blessed with the opportunity to reunite with his 30 year old daughter who was adopted by her mother's husband at 8 years old. Long story made short, E's mother developed breast cancer when E was 8 years old. Through much deception on my husband's ex-wife's part she was able to file adoption papers and since my husband had not had contact with E for 12 months (We were living in a different state and his ex-wife had stated that E's physician had asked that he stop visiting for a while due to some issues E was experiencing with throwing up every time we visited with her.) Any way the laws in Ohio at the time were either no child support payments or no visitation with the child for 12 months so unfortunately the adoption went through and there was nothing my husband could do. His ex-wife stated that she could not accept the fact that E would have to come and live with her birth father's family if she were to pass away from her illness. That did not happen. She is now 64 years old and quite alive. E contacted her birth father 3 and half years ago via an email at his place of employment. This led to a wonderful loving reunion. Our entire family was extremely accepting of E and we learned that we had 4 grandchildren. Over the past 3 years we have had many wonderful visits and fun excursions. We've been camping, visited a haunted house, sled riding, visited theme parks, roller skating, among other activities. Suddenly one evenng I received a call from E. I'm not quite sure why she did not contact her birth father but I was slammed with all the frustrations and anger that had apparently been building up inside her. It was a 2 and half hours of unpleasant conversation. It appeared that she was taking on her mother's anger toward her birth father and their divorce 29 years ago. I did not become angry but stayed calm and focused telling her we would always love her and had never stopped loving her. However, from that point forward the relationship has not been the same. She did eventually call her birth father (my husband) and explained that her mother has been threatening suicide if she continues to have a relationship with her birth father and his family and she did not want to be responsible for her mother hurting herself. She stated that she has lived with this situation her entire life (her mother threatening to commit suicide when she did not get her way). My husband fully understands where she is coming from as his ex-wife threatened suicide many times during their marraige. E stated that her mother has tried to get help but nothing works. We now have 4 grandchildren that ask when we are coming to visit and when they can come to visit us. We have not seen them since August of 2011. My husband is hurt and angry that E continues to allow her mother to manipulate her. Does anyone have any advise as to how we should proceed with this relationship. E stated to us that she wants to have a relationship with us but it has to be kept from her mother. She lives 4 hours away from us and we are no longer allowed to spend the weekend at her house because she is afraid that either her mom or adopted father will drive by and see our vehicle there. E has stated in the past that her mother supported her having a relationship with her birth family but apparently she has changed her mind. Her adopted father is very angry with her that she contacted her birth father and E continues to feel that she is always being pulled in the middle between both sets of parents. We have 2 daughters so E has half-sisters but due to the way she has treated us they are not very happy with her behavior at the present time and quite frankly feel that she came into our lives just to hurt us. This is such a sad development. E expressed that we are so much fun and her entire family loves to spend time with us. We are a very generous family and have celebrated every holiday and birthday with nice gifts. E stated that she felt that we were trying to buy their love that they appreciated the gifts but they were not expected. Any advice? ------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------

For me the only relationships worth having are those in which both parties have made a committment to be involved. I can unconditionally love someone, but that doesn't mean I will engage in continued contact if that person is not interested in me. I am not saying this is your case but just voicing my opinion. The point I walk away, when I say enough is when my presence is not truly wanted. It is the most fair thing to do for both of us. I don't believe it when someone says they love me but their actions speak differently. Just me.

I know that this is an older topic, but I completely understand your pain. I've been in a reunion for a while with my son, and there are many times I wanted to walk away. I'm always glad I didn't. What drives us to consider walking away is the intense pain of feeling as if we're losing them again.. it's almost too much to bear, like reliving the anguish when we handed them over to adoption. But whenever I feel like this, I step back and realize that I often have lulls with my own stepkid, and other family members. I won't go away unless my son tells me to go away. Every time I felt as if I should just disappear, the next day or two, I'd get a message from him. The burden that natural mothers have is that WE have memories of our baby. We knew them as they grew, if we were lucky enough to hold them after birth, or biology absolutely created a bond with them, that cannot be broken. So we have a very emotionally-charged reaction, even in reunion. I hope that you can hang in there, and maybe hold back on the gifting. You can't know if the new husband is threatened by your presence. I know this to be the case in many relationships that come during a reunion. Often a spouse or boyfriend isn't good with adoption, or has their own parental issues that they see you as an interloper, or even a spouse that believes that it should be the adoptive parents and their parents who bond, not the natural mother. Keep loving her, check in from time to time, and be the "let me know if you need anything" kind of person, and hopefully things will swing back in your direction soon. (((hugs)))