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My husband had a daughter when he was 17, briefly married, but it didn't work out. His mother had him sign papers, which he was told were papers for his daughters maternal grandparents to get insurance on her, when in fact he had signed his rights to his daughter over to them. 4 years later, I met my husband, we were married and started our own family. We now have 2 grown sons who are 29 and 26. During our whole marriage, his mother never had any type of relationship with our two boys whatsoever, and the only communication my husband would have with his mom was a phone call at Christmas and for his birthday. My husband felt really betrayed by the deception of what his mother did. My husband had one brief encounter with his daughter when she was in middle school. He pretty much told her that he was her dad and that if she ever needed anything to contact him. Later that day, the police showed up at our door because her mother had called them telling them he was trying to kidnap her. From the day, until a few weeks ago, he has had no contact with his daughter whatsoever.
Two weeks ago my husband gets a message on facebook from his 33 year old daughter. At first, I was as excited about the reunion as he was. We had always told our boys when they were growing up that they had an older sister. She expressed her wishes to have contact with him thru email. My husband emailed her back, telling her about her two half brothers, etc., and included his phone number, and signed it, love dad. Her next email stated that she would appreciate it if he didn't refer to himself as "dad", she said she has a daddy that raised her. I, myself, fully understand her way of thinking and don't blame her at all for feeling this way. But my husband was hurt, and wouldn't sign his next email to her, which prompted her to call him. They talked for several hours on the phone and it went very well. I've tried to talk to my husband and tell him to take it slow and to let the relationship progress at a pace that is comfortable to her. I also tried to explain to him that another man raised her and has earned the right to be called daddy. This conversation led to a pretty heated argument, where he pretty much told me it was none of my business. He called her last night and went out to the garage and talked to her again for hours. A reunion like this effects everyone, the two that are reunited, and the family members involved. So today, I'm reflecting on the last two weeks and there is a part of me that wishes she never sent the email. I know, sounds selfish right? Its not her behavior but my husbands that has me feeling this way. I feel he is shutting me out. Like going out to the garage to talk with her, as if he doesn't want me to hear the conversation. He is already trying to get her to visit. I am not sure that I am ready for all of this. I do not want to resent her for my husbands behavior. Right now I'm feeling really confused.:confused:
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My husband had a very abusive childhood. His mother left the home when my husband was about 12 leaving him and his sister behind. After many years and hearing both sides of that story, I don't really blame her for leaving. Her husband was very abusive and permiscous, but I do blame her for leaving her children in that situation. I think perhaps she feared retaliation if she took the kids, but who knows. My husband quit school in the 10th grade, he reads and writes probably on a second or third grade level. My question is, where the hell were his parents? At some point they really had to know, why didn't they step in and ensure their son some type of education? Guess they were just so caught up in their own little twisted life to give a ****.
Fast forward to when I met my husband, he was so insecure and had huge trust issues, don't think he even looked for our relationship to last, and thru his eyes and his childhood I can understand. I think my mission in our earlier years was to prove to him that I could be trusted, I wasn't going to let him down, walk out on him, etc., like so many people did in his past. As my boys were growing up, I made sure that they excelled. I stayed up with them many nights helping them study for test. I was a tough parent, there were times I'm sure that they hated me. But now that they are grown, both have came to me and thanked me for that.
His mother never had anything to do with our two boys, no birthday cards, no christmas presents, or such. My mother died when I was 15 and so my children were denied a grandmother. His mother, who is now 73, has been calling my husband more these days. I think alot of it is the reality that she is nearing the end of the road and wants someone there for her if her husband were to pass. I don't know that I am that good of a person who would take her in if it ever came to that. I literally feel nothing for the woman, but resentment for all the pain that woman has caused throughout the years. And now, since my boys are grown, I am thankful that that woman had no influence on them. People really don't realize how their actions effect other people and continues to effect them throughout their life.
I believe that it took a lot of courage for this young lady to search for her father. The unknowing if her father would even want to communicate with her, and if his family would want to accept her into their lives. I have respect for her for that. I know the fact that my husband, after 33 years got to tell her his side of the story, meant the world to him, whether or not she chooses to believe it. The total shock factor makes it difficult for us, but I believe just as much, if not more difficult for her.
I think counseling is out of the question for my husband. I have suggested counseling to him many times throughout the years and he was always dead set against it.
Again, I think God that I found this site, its a Godsend to be able to talk to people that has been thru similar experiences. Things that I have been able to say here I haven't been able to express to anyone.
It sounds as though you have a great deal of insight and information.
For many people counseling is considered "for the weak" and they feel that it's self indulgent etc. The same old rhetoric that keeps them stuck. Many people including myself ridiculed it and actually thought that it was a load of bunk aimed at "licking a wound". That's avoidance and it burns a lot of energy better spent getting on with your life.
It may help if you approach the subject from a perspective that alleviates "his" need and focuses on his daughter, your sons and your need to have some perspective. If he feels that he is doing what's necessary for the people he loves without "owning it" himself it may be easier. It lets him off the hook so to speak.
I have no clue why I thought that way except I believed that I was stronger than most. What I realized is that dealing with the buried emotion was one of the most courageous things. Running from it is not. The shame of exposing what was; instead of living with the facade that "It's no big deal" is hard.
I used to listen to other people's issues and in fact became obsessed with their problems because it distracted me from having to deal with my own baggage. I think that's why talk shows are so popular.
Dealing with childhood trauma isn't for everyone. Some people drink, medicate and get high to avoid it. Other's perpetuate the abuse and justify it by thinking they are protecting their loved ones by toughening them up to the inevitable or they don't even realize it's abuse and just do what they've always done because that's the way they saw their parents do it.
It's a crossroad. My belief is that if you don't deal with the core of the situation it will brew and erupt sooner or later. You can't run from the past. Those demons are tenacious buggers. They will wait.
It doesn't have to be syrupy. People do it in privacy with a significant amount of trust. I ran from some counsellors because I thought if I told them all of the details they would either go screaming from the room or "pity" me. That's what most people fear. Pity. It's not the case after your realize what it takes to deal with the issues.
I am not talking about endless droning on about insignificant whining. I am talking about opening a smoothed over mess that will infect itself if you don't deal with it. You can't fight your way out of it. You have to let yourself be vulnerable and with assistance you can overcome the repercussions. There are no weapons other than your grit to deal with this stuff.
I would throw out snippets to see if the person would look shocked and if they did I would get up and walk out. I burned through a significant number of counsellors until I got one who called me on my game. Then we got down to the work. It took me awhile to engage. Trust took time.
Can you approach him with marriage counseling, explaining that you value your relationship with him and that you have learned how intense the emotions are with this and want to make sure you are both doing the best you can for his daughter? The truth is, there is potential to blow her out of the water. These relationships can be volatile with all the confusion and mixed emotions, and the misread signals. Especially if everyone has different expectations. This is a daughter that he feels a lot of love for but doesn't know at all.
If my husband's daughter were to walk away right now, he could handle it. If it would have happened in the beginning, it would have crushed him. The difference now would be she would be doing it to work out her own stuff and our door would be open. Earlier, he would have felt a rejection of him and he was so high on excitement it would have been a big fall from that place.
I had mentioned I went to counseling. The counselor I went to had done her thesis on adoptees reuniting with birth parents but even with that, she didn't really understandand the intensity of the emotions that go with reunion. Either that or I couldn't hear her. That's a possibility. :) She was a big help but nothing compared to what I got from this site. I was a VERY confused woman before I found this and I was beginning to visualize my life as a single woman. I had one foot out the door for awhile. What I thought was happening in my marriage weighed on me every day.
One comment on here from NinaDear about my perceived loss and the realization it WAS perceived. All of the thoughts I had about his daughter being a grown woman and 'should know better' were gone with seeing how all of this really affects the adoptee, especially Moonbeam because I saw her as such a level and caring person who was being hurt by someone that was feeling what I was feeling. In a very short time, I was free from all of those confusing thoughts. I quit standing on the sidelines and walking on egg shells. I went back to being the me I was before I felt thrown to the side and communicated with his daughter from that place. I didn't worry about hurting my husband's relationship with his daughter. I trusted myself and looked at my own relationship with his daughter. I did it with honesty but sensitivity. I think you will find that place much quicker than I did.
Although my husband may be a victim of his parents there comes a point in time I believe that you have to stand up and be accountable for your own actions. I'm sure his parents could make themselves victims of their own childhood if given the chance to express themselves. My husband by no means is a saint. He has given me many reasons to pack up and leave. I chose to stay, maybe because he has beaten my self-confidence down so low that there's a part of me that believes I couldn't make it without him. His trust issues are so strong that many times throughout our marriage I have gotten a job and he throws such a tantrum, showing up on my job unexpectedly, embarrassing me, that I am forced to quit. I believe somewhere in his head he believes that by me working I'll met Mr. Right and leave him, or just gain my own independence. Whats missing, I believe is his own sense of worthiness which I have allowed him to also take from me. And so I take responsibility for allowing him to control me in this way. I've learned what buttons not to push. So, I, in fact have been in what one would call an abusive relationship throughout our marriage.Both of my sons are now married. Has the behavior of their father effected their lives? I would have to say yes. My youngest sons marriage seems to be very healthy, he and his wife are able to sit down and talk and work out the issues that come up. I can really see their marriage lasting. However, with my oldest son, he tends to display some of the control issues my husband has exhibited. So I guess the point I am trying to make is, although you may not have had the best childhood, it gives you no right to bring it into your future relationships, you go from being the victim to the victimizer.I have many times pleaded with him to seek counseling, I have offered to go with him, but he is in no way receptive to it and in all honesty I know that he would never go on his own.Update on husband and daughters reunion. They are sending emails daily, husband has posted pics of our family on facebook at her request. Another long phone call and she says now that she is ready to come up here and give her dad a big hug. Sort of a big switch from her requesting that he not refer to himself as "Dad". My feelings, I sorta feel that its progressing to fast, but thats just my feelings. We have found out that she is in her second marriage, the first being very abusive. From what she tells my husband, her second husband is everything she ever wanted, he is her bestfriend and soulmate. Im really glad that she has a good man in her life, and I'm sorta feeling that he may have given her the courage to seek out her dad. She says they are wanting to start a family. My concern is, to me, sounds like she is just being too forgiving of her dad to fast if that makes any sense. Still, Im hoping for the best and will keep this thread updated on their progress.
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I was very abused as a child and I agree with you whole heartedly. We are responsible for ourselves and our own issues. Anything we carry now is self inflicted abuse and trying to blame anyone else at this point is just excusing our own behavior and not taking responsibility for ourselves.
I read a book a long time ago called The Dance of Anger. It shows the patterns we have with our spouses and how to step out of those patterns. It's kind of fun when you go to change the steps and they so desperate try to pull you back into the old pattern. That's my warped sense of humor at play. :) I was able to become an objective observer of our patterns and change them. That was with my first marriage and that statement alone lets you know it didn't save my marriage but it was very helpful for me.
There are so many things that I love about my husband but I saw that what happened with him reuniting with his daughter did with us was to shine a huge spotlight on issues that had been kept in the dark. Mostly our communication. It needed improvement. I found another book recently called The Self-Centered Marriage. I really liked it and my husband is reading it now. This is going to be a ride and I recommend tapping into all the resources you can. It may help for you to go to counseling yourself if he won't go.
What you are describing with the progression with the reunion is mirroring ours. I posted before that in retrospect, we both think it should have been taken slower. That being said, I don't think there is much you can do about it. I know my husband couldn't have heard me in the beginning had I told him that. He couldn't hear anyone. He snapped at anyone that said anything he didn't want to hear. :rolleyes:
Want to do right has a point. My counseling was more about abandonment which of course is related but the abandonment had happened even within my adopted family.
If expressing yourself here and finding out that you are not the only person who is going through this helps enough then go with your gut.
I think the whole concept of reuniting is relatively new. The laws here in Canada changed and I believe that an onslaught happened. People have a hard time relating that haven't had the past jump up and bite them in the derriere.
I hope it all works out for you.
Sorry I missed the next page before posting. Jumping ahead of myself.
I want to say first of all that I absolutely agree with you in that being abused in the past does not give a person a "pass" or excuse being controlling and dominating.
It's not a black and white situation but as an adult you either step up to the plate and accept responsibility for your actions or you don't. We are all accountable for our actions.
Your description regarding your husband coming to your place of work and attempting to sabotage your independence is a red flag and hopefully he's reined himself in that regard. I hope you don't have that to deal with on an ongoing basis.
I would recommend that you set a boundary if you can; find a way to insure your independence financially for sure. My adopted mother stayed in an incredibly dysfunctional relationship for that reason. Security. I got the heck out of dodge at eighteen. Married the first person that asked me. Right smack dab into a relationship with an incredibly controlling guy who luckily I saw for what he was. I got out at 24.
Then I realized I had to deal with some of the issues that allowed me to get involved with this type of person. No more from the "frying pan into the fire". It took lots of support and self examination but I am better for it.
Now I can pick 'em out ten miles down the road and they don't have a chance. I can't take anyone making me feel obligated. It turns me off like nothing else. Keep your eyes open and make sure you look after yourself.
Thought I would take the time to give a quick update on the reunion. She texts hubby everyday and all seems to be going very well. The other day, she sent a text and asked if her and her husband could come up the last weekend in April for a visit. Now I'm thinking, how awkward is this going to be? I'm thankful that at least we have some time to prepare for this. I told hubby that I thought it might be nice if we buy her a pendant with a "Date to Remember" February 7, 2012 inscribed on it, because thats the date she first made contact. What do you guys think? Would this type of gift be appropriate? One of my sons will be here to meet her, but the other who is in the Marines, won't be able to make it. Now we have to come up with some activities to do to make it thru an entire weekend. I know theres going to be some awkward moments. Maybe we should buy some alcohol, alcohol probably would help in taking some of the awkwardness away. Just kidding. I think she may have somewhat of an alcohol problem. Over half the pictures she has sent my husband she has some type of drink in her hand. I welcome any ideas you all have on what to do for a whole weekend.
God Bless and Have A Wonderful Day!
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I love the pendant idea!!!! That would be really special.
I have a Marine son, too. Thank him for his service for me.
I wish I could help you with the activities. I struggle with coming up with those kind of ideas. I'm sure one of the other ladies on here is much better than I am.
You read like you're doing great. I can't wait to see how the f2f goes.
My husband has done a big pull back. I talked to him a little bit about it last night. I think he's only called his daughter once since Xmas. I didn't go into it too much with him last night, though. I just asked if he's pulling back deliberately and he said he is. He is trying to get his thoughts together on all of this. We were both pretty tired so I left it alone. We have had things that aren't typical reunion stuff and sometimes it's hard to know how to handle it.
Wanttodoright, Thank your son for me, too! My son just got back from Afghanistan in January, and that alone was hard on the entire family. I know it was especially hard on him, leaving his 6 month old son behind. He's spending time getting to know him all over again now.
Sorry to hear of the pull back between your husband and his daughter. Maybe a little time is all your husband needs. My husband isn't a great communicator, he keeps a lot to himself and never wants to discuss things. I think men in general aren't really good at expressing their feelings and it's frustrating to us women. I'm here if you ever need to vent.
I'm really grateful that I've found this site. I've read a lot of the posts on here and I've learned a lot. I try to put myself in my husbands place and in his daughters. God knows all of this has been a whirlwind and happening all so fast. Something I never thought would happen. As awkward as its going to be for us, we are only meeting her and her husband, she on the other hand, will eventually get to know a whole new family.
My husband works out of town 4 days a week and I think its good because it will allow him time alone to reflect on everything that has happened in the last month. As for me, I've been painting and redecorating. I find that keeping busy helps keep my mind off of things. Can't wait til the weather gets warm and I can get out and do some planting and yard work.:flower:
Hi, it's the bdaughter here chiming in ;).
First of all, thank you both for walking this path with your husbands' and trying to do the right thing (and it's so hard to know what the right thing is sometimes, isn't it?). It gives me hope...
I love the pendant idea! I know that would mean the world to me if I would have gotten something like that. The first time I met my bdad he gave me a small gift and I treasure it; it's something to remember that day by. I wrote the date of our meeting on the bottom of it so that I would always remember that day (not that I'll forget about it anytime soon ;)).
You are right in that your first meeting will be awkward - what do you say to someone that shares 1/2 of your DNA but that you don't really know?
I was alone when I met my bdad - my husband was off with his cousins (we were in town for a big wedding) - and I didn't know that my bdad was for sure going to show up at our hotel to meet me...long story.
Anyway, my bdad text me at about 10pm at night and said that he was waiting in the lobby for me (he knew we had just returned from the wedding and I had asked if we could meet that night since I knew he was there...I was so excited that I didn't want to wait until the morning!!).
My heart stopped. I wanted to run. I wanted my husband. But, I also wanted to do it by myself. I remember that elevator ride down to the lobby was one of the longest 2-story elevator ride of my life - ha!
When I got down to the lobby and saw him all of my anxiety and fear disappeared. I felt nothing but deep love for him - for coming to see me when everyone in his family was against him coming to meet me, for him - and for me - being brave enough to put ourselves out into the unknown and to see what might happen, and thankfulness that I was being given the chance to get to know him on my terms. The whole experience was surreal and my emotions were all over the place.
We meet that next day and spent the whole day together - 10 hours of talking and laughing and getting to know each other (I also got to meet a cousin of mine and a cousin-in-law(?) of mine too). Sure, sometimes there was silence, but most of the time I talked and talked and talked...and talked some more. We didn't talk about anything really earth shattering, but it was so special nonetheless.
I'd suggest some quiet time for the 2 of them to just talk or maybe just sit and "be". It's going to be emotionally overwhelming for everyone, so maybe break it up into sections with time for "group activities" but also time for her to re-group by herself and for your husband to get his bearings too.
I'm so happy for all of you. Thank you again for seeing both sides. They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing and I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but the important thing is that you are trying.
Peace to you.
So yesterday my husband gets a long email from his daughter. He called me in to read it. She talks about being a believer in the Wiccan Religion. She states that she went to church a few times at the persistence of her father-in-law and says it took everything she had not to get up out of her seat and tell the preacher how it is. Says she will never step foot in a church again. She goes on to say that she was told that she will conceive in July and will have a ritual for her baby, somewhat like a baptism, which she knows to be a girl.
I'm like wow, she is a witch, more or less. So, just how do you reply to an email like that. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I believe in God. I would never set foot in any type of ritual by a Wiccan Religion.
My husband hasn't replied to the email yet, need some time on just how to reply to that. Told my husband, maybe its just best to reply by saying that Religion is a very personal choice and not go any further with it. I, for one, just don't want to hear about any type of witchcraft beliefs and I don't want to listen to it and will not be part of it in any way.
Any suggestions here would be much appreciated. Just don't know how to reply to her email. What a surprise, sure wasn't expecting that! :(
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