heartbroken...Great birthmom reunion then she disappeared....

No, as a birth mother I can not relate to it. In my mind, I feel that a reunion (especially one initiated by a eager and willing child that was placed) is a second chance so to speak. I wanted the best for my children so that is why I chose adoption at the time, but my pain and suffering was something that I had to bear, not to pass my pain and suffering on to my reunited children. A second chance to me was a gift from God. Yes, the reunions do stir up A LOT of buried emotions, some that have been pushed down so deep, you don't even know they exist until the reunion roller coaster starts up. But all the pain in the world is worth knowing my children. I hear and read this all the time, it is so frustrating, there are so many "mis-paired" adoption reunions out there. One party has one expectation, the other something completely different. So frustrating. So I can only tell you personally, that in my mind NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING from my end, will come between me and my kids again. I can only control my end, but at least I have committed to the reunion. I am sorry you are hurting. This is so hard in so many ways. My thoughts are with you.

I'm not a birth mother but from everything I've read she may have begun thinking about everything she missed out on and that is something she can never get back. I have heard it described as too much time has gone by to ever make up for the time lost. It may be like self-preservation for her. I hope she will be back, she may need a lot of time to grieve, something she may have never done. I don't think birth parents realize it, but by disappearing like this, they are making things far worse for the adoptee. I commend you on your strength to take a chance and reach out to your birthmother. You may have to come to terms that she may not be back but you are obviously a strong person and now have some answers to where you came from. We as adoptees will support you as much as you need it here. A support group in your area may help as well. I think being around others who have been through the same things is the best medicine for a broken heart.

I am new here, but I started looking at the threads and found one that I related to, so I thought I would share my story. I am right where you are, but unfortunately, I have been there a while. I reunited with my mother in 1991 and things were fantastic. Lots of tears were shed, stories shared, family meetings., etc. Then, out of the blue in 1993 she decided that the reunion was just too much and she couldn't deal with it. She wanted me to stay in touch by writing letters, but she just couldn't do anything then -- too much other stuff going on in her life. So, I wrote letters. Typically, they were once or twice a year, usually around her birthday or Christmas. I would just tell her what I was up to, how to contact me if and when she ready, that sort of thing. She never replied. Finally, in 2006 she responded. Perhaps it was because during those 13 years of one-sided communication, I had graduated college, gotten married and had three children. Maybe she wanted to get to know my family and her grandchildren. I was thrilled...so I responded immediately. No response. I waited nearly a year and finally made the decision that I had to quit putting myself through the emotional rollercoaster and pain of wondering, so I wrote her a short note saying that I wouldn't be writing anymore, but she could always find me and write or contact me when and if she was ever truly ready. I would never completely shut the door. I have been fine with the decision I made, although I wish it had a different ending. I talk to others, I read books, etc. These have helped me tremendously. I am not angry, just confused. Meeting her was an absolute gift that I would NEVER trade. I have knowledge that I only dreamed of having one day and holes have been filled. I have a birth father in my life who I love very much and he loves me and my family. I wouldn't have known him if it wasn't for her. My adoptive family is very supportive and I feel so very blessed to have such a large family with all kinds of family tree branches. It doesn't make me understand how she is feeling, perhaps I will never know. This may sound strange, but I have a sense of belonging even though I have no relationship with her. At least I did, even if it was for a short time. She did tell me that her pregnancy was the family shame. Extended family members were told she was in drug rehab when she was actually in the unwed mothers' home. After she signed the reliquishment papers, they acted as if I had never been born. Consequently, she never dealt with me until I called her in 1991. I feel horribly that she was treated that way, but it is up to her to deal with it. If she chooses to deal with it outside of a relationship with me, that is her choice to make. Stay positive and help yourself in dealing with things. Support groups like this are wonderful and sometimes just talking it out helps too -- or writing the letters that are never sent. Goodness knows I did that A LOT. ;) Hopefully she will realize that a reunion with you truly is a gift and she comes back into your life. Best of luck to you.

If I find my bmother alive I’m not going in with the impression I was missed and we can have this long loving relationship we can catch up on.. Nope, there is certain info I want to learn, once I learned them I’ll give her my cell number and if she want further contact she’ll initiate it, if not back to my life. Enjoy what you already experienced and LET IT GO!