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I need some advice on how to handle this situation asap and I'm desperate! From day one, I knew in my heart that adoption was the only option that made sense and I happened to meet a couple in January through a friend. I chose to proceed with a private adoption after our first meeting together. I have spiritual/ religious reasons that make me 100% comfortable with this decision. I believe with all my heart that the baby inside me was meant to be their daughter. I mentioned all this because if i didnt feel this way, i might have backed out by now.
Ive been getting the feeling lately that the AMom has been twisting my words when "repeating" our conversations causing big to- do's which get repeated back to me later. Its also as if she gets an idea in her head and no matter how much I try to tell her comforting things explaining that there's no need to worry, she doesnt even hear me. Lastly (the part thats frustrating me the most) is, she's not taking my feelings about our time in the hospital into consideration either. Originally they agreed to make a FB page to keep her updated photos throughout the years for me to have. I also told them that as an adoptee myself, I don't believe I should have anymore physical contact with the baby until she's old enough or has their blessing (if she's still a minor). That said, all the time I might ever have with her is the 2 days in the hospital after birth.
At a Dr's visit last week she blurted out that she wants to sleep on the couch and be in my room with me the whole time! I was told just now by my friend (baby's future aunt) that I need to "look at her point of view, if the tables were turned you wouldn't want to let this baby out of your sight!"
... Okay I'm sorry but WHAT?! I calmly explained to her that I've gone out of my way time and again to be sure I wasnt bring selfish by taking the AMoms feelings into careful consideration with my words as well as hospital plans too. Then I said i expect everyone to consider the fact that all I want is some time alone to cry if I want to or hold her if I want to but it's like they're not even hearing me! How hard is it to tread lightly around me a little since um... Leaving the hospital that day will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, and that will be one of the happiest days of the rest of their lives???
I really need some advice on how you would handle this without things getting ugly... Heeeeellllllppppp!
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RavenSong
The hospital time is your's and your baby's time together. Don't let the prospective adoptive parents dictate ANYTHING to you about what will take place during labor, delivery, or hospitalization. If you do, you easily could end up harboring serious lifelong resentments.
I'd like you to look at this issue from your baby's viewpoint, and then fast-forward to when he or she is a young adult. I reunited with my son when he was 18 years old, and the first question he ever asked me was if I had held him and fed him in the hospital. He was absolutely devastated when I admitted that, no, I had not been allowed to even see him. (Old-time attitudes of most OB/GYNs left a lot to be desired.) He became so upset about it that he actually wanted to sue the doctor who had delivered him. It hurt him deeply, and he still brings the issue up every few years (he just turned 40.)
Do yourself and your baby a favor, and be sure to spend those precious first couple days with him. Don't let anyone deny you that experience...
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I am an Amom and I'm not sure this will help you but have you thought of a close friend or even someone in your family that could be your spokesperson/rock. Someone that will be there anyway when you go to the hospital? You could just say to the Paparents that you feel it will be better if while you are there your wants and needs will be communicated through this person. The last thing you want is to have to deal with them if they are being that way. Dont be scared to be upfront and very direct if you fear your words get twisted have someone there with you.
We got to know our son's bmom during the pregnancy and we just love her. I hope it works out for you and you need to stand your ground! You have to take that time for You and your little girl.
Will keep you in my
thoughts!
Ohhhhh great advice out there!! Cheers to all of you!...I would very much back up getting another person to help you and advocate for you. If you are already registered at the hospital and they all know the situation, then let the nurses know of your wants and needs, and they will be able to speak to the family on your behalf too. The most important moment the day your child is born is yours and the childs......This is your forever time.... Don't let someone elses stresses be yours.....this is your time with your baby!.....i spent a week in the hospital with my son before placing him, and the nurses not only helped me, they also talked to each person who came to my room....Cheers, and good luck to you!! Special thoughts out to the universe that this family will balance out and relax for you for a few days!........Cheers!
I think it's jumping the gun to reconsider the match. When I think back to what I DIDN'T know and DIDN'T understand when this adoption journey began I kick myself. I'm sure I said and did some things that were totally wrong. If I had it to do over again, I'd be the perfect PAP:D She sounds clueless. I wouldn't even "explain" it to her. I'd just tell her, "No, I've made my birthing plan and it will just be me and the baby. I will happily call you when we're ready for visitors." She is not the momma, you are. She won't like that, but it is what it is. Just because people are dense doesn't mean they are bad. She may just need some gentle educating. If she doesn't understand at that point that she is NOT going to be sleeping on the couch and NOT in the room until invited, then you need to consider moving on because she's just plain self absorbed.
I think what the amom is doing is perfectly normal. She's excited and can't wait to parent. That's a good thing.
However, you should tell her very clearly, that the time in the hospital is for you to be with your child.
I doubt she means to be pushy, she's just wanting to start bonding. She's just excited and not thinking with a clear mind about how hard this is for you or how important this time with you will be for the baby.
Just tell her you appreciate her excitement but you wish to spend that time alone with your child.
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we placed 4 months ago and i went two weeks overdue and our amom texted everyday asking if it was 'the day'... then she would text a little later to make sure she didnt bug me by texting to see if i was in labor... she made such an amazing effort to be sensitive to my feelings because she understood the happiest day in her life would be the most painful day of mine... even when we told them they were welcome 24/7 in the room they always called and asked, left when they saw me getting tired or overly emotional, made a point to make sure i held him before anyone else... she looked to me everytime the doctors asked a question regarding our baby J... it took a while for her to realize when they asked the mommy a question i was waiting on her to reply... PLEASE PLEASE be careful, make all your wishes known and IF THEY WONT LISTEN DONT DO IT.
you are giving them the most amazing gift a person can ever receive and they should be thankful. you have to be able to trust these people they are raising your baby forever.
if they wont respect your wishes now how can you expect them to live up to all of the things you want in the future? (i.e. pictures/updates or visits)
I'm a birth mother. I can't emphasize enough how much this is your time and, frankly, may be the only time you have with the baby for the rest of his or her life. If the AP's are so eager to intrude, they may become one of those gun shy types who may try to keep the baby from you in the future....just my concern for you. Maybe you could look at another adoptive family who isn't in such a rush and doesn't seem to have so much impulsivity. You really don't owe anyone anything at this point- so please don't feel beholden to them (this was my problem!). This really is about you, the future of your child (and the ap's too), but you have to be sure that they will honor any committments to you, and it sounds as if these one's might not. Sorry.....this is such a hard time.
I would seriously reconsider. Are you aware that open adoption is not legally enforeceable? That the moment those papers are signed they can drop you like a hot potato and you may never receive an update on your child's progress? That they can get a restraining order against you for any attempts for updates? Please seriously consider this! If you're having misgivings now that certainly does not bode well for the future, does it?
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VancouverShar
I would seriously reconsider. Are you aware that open adoption is not legally enforeceable? That the moment those papers are signed they can drop you like a hot potato and you may never receive an update on your child's progress? That they can get a restraining order against you for any attempts for updates? Please seriously consider this! If you're having misgivings now that certainly does not bode well for the future, does it?
The fact is that SOME states do have laws regarding the enforcement of adoption agreements. There are states that have processes for how things have to be contracted and filed etc., but the open adoption agreements are legally enforceable.
As it is, the OP hasn't been back to the site since she posted, and I'm sure her baby has been born. I hope she found the right couple to be parents and things went well in the hospital with her time alone with the baby. (she made it clear adoption was her choice, it was just the parents she had doubts on)
crick
As it is, the OP hasn't been back to the site since she posted, and I'm sure her baby has been born. I hope she found the right couple to be parents and things went well in the hospital with her time alone with the baby. (she made it clear adoption was her choice, it was just the parents she had doubts on)
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By the way last time I checked and I sited in a previous thread . . . I'm not going to do so again, people ignore it and continue to say few states enforce. It is now something like 25 states that have legally enforceable Post Adoption Agreements, while none of these will void an adoption the families can be court ordered to provide what the contract set forth.
Sorry, should've said you've got a chance of enforcing an open adoption (hopefully you've got lots of extra $$)in 50% of the states (depending on what's in the contract and what state) and a 0% chance in Canada. Never forget that aparents can just pick up and move and just finding them can be expensive and time consuming let alone taking them to court. Just saying...