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To All Adoptees That Were Born Before 1975:
If You Were Adopted Before This Date Through Catholic Charties Please Please Be Advised That You Were Kidnapped From Your Birth Mother!
Catholic Charties Is Being Sued In Canada, Austrilia, Spain, United States And In Other Countries By Birth Mothers And Adoptees Because Birth Mothers Were Never Told Nor Given The Choice To Keep Their Children! Some Were Even Told Their Children Died, That They Would Be Horrible Parents Etc.
I Know I Was One As My Birth Mother Wrote Me A Letter In 1992 And Told Me What Happened To Her.
Catholic Charities Didn't Even Tell Me I Had A Letter From Here Until 2010 And I Have Spent This Time Looking Even Harder For My Mom.
Our Parents Were Lied Too And Some Were Actually Used As Slave Labor In These Birthing Homes Run By Catholic Charities.
Read The Report Done By Dan Rather!
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"....but still it was their choice." :confused: I think you've missed the point or are unclear on what free and informed consent is. When you are coerced or given no other option it is NOT a choice.
I wish more adoptees were aware of the adoption industry's coercive practices. There are practices that are routine in north american that have been outlawed and banned in other countries because it has been proven that these tactics are coercive.
Before stating that anyone had a choice, it is important to educate yourself on coercive tactics. When you go into any surgery (other than an emergency and you're unconscious) you are told of all the risks before you sign off. That is free and informed consent.
Do you really believe any mother who lost her child to adoption was made aware of the Primal Wound? All the 'side effects' that the adoption will have on the child, let alone her own lifelong grief? If you don't have ALL the facts how can you really say it was a choice or free and fully informed consent.
It is offensive and uninformed to dismiss this and say there was a choice. Its on par with telling a rape victim they had a choice. They chose to be in the same place as the perpetrator. I guess you could also say most cancer victims chose cancer, too. If they didn't eat organic vegan, exercise every day, use only green products, etc., then it was their choice, too?
Here's some information for people who have an open and non judgmental mind and are interested in learning about 'choice' and coercion.
[URL="http://www.originscanada.org/what-is-adoption-coercion/"]What is Adoption Coercion?[/URL]
[URL="http://adoptioncritic.com/2010/11/17/adoption-studies-on-taking-babies/"]Adoption Studies on how to take babies[/URL]
[URL="http://www.originscanada.org/modern-day-coercion/"]Modern Day Coercion[/URL]
[URL="http://www.originscanada.org/sales-and-marketing-techniques/"]Sales and Marketing Techniques[/URL]
[URL="http://www.originscanada.org/what-the-adoption-industry-does-not-want-you-to-know/"]No informed consent when facts are withheld[/URL]
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dallasmom22
Where can I find this report?
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arjo1244
I gave birth to a son (1970) at Booth Memorial in Denver. The Salvation Army provided me a safe haven and an experience not as you are portraying. The staff was supportive, respectful, and gave me every opportunity to make this decision on my own. I was in my early 20's, my parents had no knowledge of the pregnancy or birth, so it was MY decision. No one coerced me, forced me, or stole my baby. I did not see that happen to any of the younger girls there either. Maybe their parents had the rights at that time to make this decision for them.
Hey LostMother, it is hard to explain the statement, "they don't get it."In my own experience I have made it a rule not to share my story. It is very long, convoluted and contains much abuse.In my experience, as long as my story remains unshared, I am an equal. If I share my adoption story everything changes. People don't know whether to pity or be happy. In truth, they really don't understand what it feels like to be adopted.They don't understand the questions in your head that you wonder about almost every day and can never answer.Or the fact that your adoption lurks in the background. It is somewhat like a shadow that never speaks.There are also feelings of being an "outsider" everyday.Another lack of understanding among people "who don't get it" is why we as adoptees can't move on and forget about the adoption.I wish we could. No one has been able to provide any direction to do that.Birth moms who have found their children readily admit that the grief and loss related to giving up the children still exists. Re-union does not wash away the adoption sentence. Nor does the re-union allow for the time lost to be made up.People who have never been exposed to a deep emotional experience will have difficulty relating and "getting it."It seems they are on a different wave length or plane than we are.In my experience, those that "don't get it" never do. They seem to be focused on the natural order of a mom, a dad, and the family. Try as they might, and with the best of intentions, to "get it' is just not something they can do.I wish you the best.
Yes, I. think that it is true that it is hard, if not impossible, to explain the situation of the unwanted, but adopted, child. After all, most people think that children given up by birth parents should feel "fortunate" to have been "adopted" (purchased) by wealthy parents who could (but often dont) give the child such "wonderful opportunities".
If I had a nickel for everyone who told me, as a child, how "lucky" was I to have been adopted by such financially stable parents, I wouldn't have the financial problems we have now.
Growing up, the word that I heard most frequently was "necessary"; as in (whatever thing it was for which I had asked-from a school trip to a small radio) was not "necessary" for my very weathy parents to give me.
For years after I left "home" at 16, I indulged myself with things that I WANTED. This included good food, because when I left home (on the advice of a psychiatrist who said I lived in a "toxic" environment) my parents gave me $25.00 per week to live (and finish high school) in New York City. Even many years ago, that was not enough for three meals a day. I won't go into how I survived those years and got accepted to and graduated college and law school-both of which my adopted parents paid because although *I* wanted both to continue to write and go to art school, my father had always wanted to be a lawyer. The next best thing was for my parents to say "our daughter, the lawyer".
I was fortunate to create and keep quality of life jobs, but it took me years of counseling to be able to attempt to put the past behind me.
Then, I had children. I dont know what possessed me to dream that my adopted parents would be any different with grandchildren then they were with children. But, (despite years of whining that they didn't have grandchildren) my adopted mother was barely interested after the initial excitement of my first son's birth. I spent years trying to explain (depending on the ages of my kids) why *their*grandparents never wanted to visit, never came to landmark events, though, to give him credit, I think that my father tried.
Suffice it to say that anything on which I needed support or help, I understood that either I had to find a way of going forward myself or rely on my "pretended" family-some wonderful friends with whom I developed close relationships and who knew that they could depend on me and I. on them.
I. have, for years, made kind overtures to my adopted parents as, even if it was easier for ME to ignore them, it hurt my children badly. As my beloved oldest son died almost five years ago, and his brother derailed so badly that we had little time to mourn, our lives are very different now. As my younger son gravitated back toward health, we slowly began to construct "Life , Part 2".
I now find it easier to simply tell my adopted parents that the few" command performances" they demanded instead of spending time visiting with us (drag me and a child to their Florida home to show us off for a few days trapped in their house and bound to their social schedule) were not possible for us anymore as (true) grief makes it difficult to put on a face and meet new people.
I know that I was bought and paid for; a "private" adoption arranged by a doctor and lawyer. I. was told that my adopted mother did not go to pick me up, but sent her sister, as she was "too scared to go". Clearly, they were aware of the shady legal nature of this transaction.
I. could go on, but rather than detail what misery was my childhood, I will say only that their came a time when my adopted mother eager for me to search for my birthparents. At that time, I had more than enough of "parents", so I kept declining. She got more and more insistent (said she worried that my birth mother was trying to find me) so I put my name on the registries and decided that it was sufficient. But, my adopted mother didn't give up until I accused her of "trying to send me back to the womb". Which, I think, was fairly account when she realized that a parent's commitments to a child (apparently differently than she had been told) did not end at 18 years of age.
Geez, but this stuff is painful to discuss. Think that I will take a break now.
Warm regards to all,
Suze (LLAWEN)
May it be of benefit.
QUOTE=Drywall]Hey LostMother, it is hard to explain the statement, "they don't get it."
In my own experience I have made it a rule not to share my story. It is very long, convoluted and contains much abuse.
In my experience, as long as my story remains unshared, I am an equal.
If I share my adoption story everything changes. People don't know whether to pity or be happy. In truth, they really don't understand what it feels like to be adopted.
They don't understand the questions in your head that you wonder about almost every day and can never answer.
Or the fact that your adoption lurks in the background. It is somewhat like a shadow that never speaks.
There are also feelings of being an "outsider" everyday.
Another lack of understanding among people "who don't get it" is why we as adoptees can't move on and forget about the adoption.
I wish we could. No one has been able to provide any direction to do that.
Birth moms who have found their children readily admit that the grief and loss related to giving up the children still exists. Re-union does not wash away the adoption sentence. Nor does the re-union allow for the time lost to be made up.
People who have never been exposed to a deep emotional experience will have difficulty relating and "getting it."
It seems they are on a different wave length or plane than we are.
In my experience, those that "don't get it" never do. They seem to be focused on the natural order of a mom, a dad, and the family. Try as they might, and with the best of intentions, to "get it' is just not something they can do.
I wish you the best.[/QUOTE]
Suze.It helps a great deal to see the stories of other adoptees.Our stories have a similar tone. Research indicates that my a-parents were a childless couple. After 10 years of marriage and because they were aging out, reached out to adoption.The era was different. Adoption in the eyes of the court was to find a perfect solution. Adoption provided that. Additionally what could be more gratifying for all concerned than to have a set of high income adopting parents want the child.The child was to be eternally grateful, a good citizen and conform to all the societal rules. Little thot was given as to the child's feelings. They were to remain under the care of their adopting parents for a lifetime. The problem had been dealt with by the courts and was viewed as "in the best interest of the child" and no longer a case that had to be resolved.What was not a part of the child's history was the status of the child within that a-family. Or the purpose or intent of the adoption and secondarily, the child.All of us have been the result of decisions made before we were born.My 1st stepmother died when I was 3. This left me in the c/o a single parent to a child my a-father didn't want.When he re-married I became more of an "outsider" because I was a product of a decision made by my a-father and his now dead first wife.There was little escape. The magnitude of life with my a-family loomed large and threatening. I believed that admission to my a-family would wash away the adoption sentence. There was never any admittance to my a-family no matter how hard I tried. There were only careful attempts to insure that I understood my "outsider" status and that I was never to ask for help. I made a life for myself and was able to complete school on my own. There were many days when the cupboard was bare, but in the end I succeeded.As a result, when the statement is made, why can't you simply forget about the adoption and move on? It indicates the depth of that individuals life experiences.The first response is always "tell me how" to move on. It would be possible to "move on" if there were not 2 aspects of the adoption sentence. The first is how is it possible to escape the memories of something not understood, and secondly how can the gaps on our head be fixed and repaired. There are no links to reach them so they remain as gaps for which there are no answers.I wish you the best.
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Thanks for posting this report. I missed it when it aired.
In defense of Catholic Charities, at the very least they rejected my amom when she tried to adopt through them, forcing her to get a private adoption. I shared that with a childhood friend who was also adopted last night. "Oh Thank God!" he exclaimed. "Otherwise she would have adopted me!" Poor man practically hyperventilated.
Legally, a choice made under duress has no standing in court.
sylvieboots
'There were some who saw adoption as the only option open to them in the society which existed in the 50's so made a choice at the time not necessarily based on what they would ahve really wanted .......but still it was their choice.'
Yes, a Hobson's choice.
pohclark
To All Adoptees That Were Born Before 1975:
If You Were Adopted Before This Date Through Catholic Charties Please Please Be Advised That You Were Kidnapped From Your Birth Mother!
pohclark, I read your post regarding Catholic Charities and altho your description of CC paints a dark picture of events under those agencies, they were not the only group that had a dark side.In the hospital for unwed mothers, from which I came, the system was broken down into two tiers.The wealthy girls were given large well lighted rooms, and were allowed to wait out their delivery playing cards, etc.The poorer class of girls were required to work. It was they who did the hospital cleaning, prepared meals, performed nursery duties, etc. The feeding and sanitation of newborns was deplorable.The song of the day was that unwed mothers who became pregnant had made a wrong choice. Now it had to be dealt with.In most cases, the girls were very young, perhaps 15, 16, etc, and unable to support a child. Regardless, the problem had have as expedient an outcome as soon as possible. The motivation of how the problem was resolved was not particularly important. What was primary was that the hospital made money in the placement of the child, the b-mom went back home, (forgetting what happened) and the new parents exchanged necessary finances and got the placement.In chatting with many b-moms on this site and others, often the motivation to give up the child was coercive as well as coupled with reality. The girls had no means to support the child, the girls parents were unwilling to help, and to avoid family and personal loss of family standing in the community, adoption was the only outcome.In the eyes of those financially motivated, altho never mentioned, Black Market was an even better solution. There was little attachment to what happened, the paper trail was almost non-existent, and it would be difficult to prove who was involved.Bessie Bernard altho a well known baby broker, could escape attachment to a specific case due to a lack of records and paper work. It would have been difficult for a court to prove that she had any involvement in a specific case.The Black Market system worked perfectly. The adopting parents were notified of the availability of a child. The baby broker delivered the child and the paper work was made acceptable by attorneys, Drs., etc. Altho, it was illegal in the '20's and 30's, it truly was in the eyes of many, the best solution. Once the delivery of the child was accomplished, all those involved melted into darkness and no one knew.B-mom had gone back home and forgotten about the child, the hospital made money selling their commodity and fixing a negative societal problem, and the new parents were happy. It was the perfect solution, and no one knew. The only lingering problem was, b-moms never forgot.I wish you the best.
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I'm wondering if that's what happened to me? I was born in march of 1975 in Oklahoma and they tend to be more than a little behind in well most everything, that could have still been happening there. Also I was told I was part Native American and there is a long sordid history of Native children being stolen from their families with no recourse. I got almost no information about my adoption and my aparents won't talk about it At ALL so I really wonder.