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Long story short I was adopted before I was a year old and at the age of 28 my biomom found me and we reunited. She told me who my biodad was and I found him also. At first the biodad and I had a really good reunion. Me and my biomom had issues. Long story short im 30 now and have known them for 2years but both are really overstepping their boundaries. The biodad refers to my parents as my step parents and said he is my real dad which really pissed me off. I am a father of a child under 10 and the bioparents want major communication with him. They want me to let my son sleepover their houses and allow them to take him places without me. Before the reunion my son was the only other blood I knew and he is my world. I dont trust anyone but my parents (adopted) and his mother when it comes to my son but they dont understand they just say "but thats my grandson". I cant just change my life in 2 years. I respect my parents (adopted) and they are the only people I call mom and dad. I dont want to offend the bioparents and Im glad that they have accepted me but they have to realize that for the first 28years of my life they were not there. Then I thought about how I would feel if my bioparents called me bio-son and I felt kind of guilty. They dont understand how being adopted has changed my life. How do I explain to them that the reunion doesnt change anything between me and my parents (adopted) in a respectful way? Also how do I explain to them that im not going to change my way of life just because of the reunion?
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Thank you. No matter what my son has said or done he is still part of me and it wasn't all bad. I know he is alive and well plus we do actually have a lot in common. There is a loving, caring side to him and sometimes I think he only 'kicked out' so much because he was scared of getting 'rejected' by me again even though I didn't reject him the first time when he was adopted.
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BabyMason
Ive tried to have that talk about how to make this situation work for everyone but they take this "I am the parent" and you are "the son" position and try to dictate what I do. If I dont do what they say then they get mad. Sometimes I wonder if they think its somewhat like an extended day care service and the reunion just means they are coming back to pick me up?
RavenSong
If my son ever referred to me as his "bio-mom" in my presence, I would not be a happy camper. We've been in reunion since his 18th birthday...22 years now and counting. (He just turned 40.) My son has always referred to me as his mother, with no qualifier. He tried using the birthmom title for a few months at the beginning of our reunion, but soon dropped that title. His parents also refer to me as his "other mother." Depending on how he's feeling, he calls me either "Mom" or "Raven." Bio-parent, bio-mom, bio-dad...they all sound like some sort of robot. What jumps out at me in your posts on this thread is how you call them THE bio-parents, not MY bio-parents. It reminds me of how I tried to dissociate from my newborn infant by using the phrase, "THE baby" instead of "MY baby" after I surrendered him to adoption. Fortunately, my mom instinctively knew what I was doing and told me it was okay to say "my baby"...because that's what my son was both before and after he was born.
Ramned
I call my mother "bmom." I'm not a huge fan of it but I can't really call them mom and dad for confusion. I wouldn't want them calling me "bson." However my bmom actually seems to insist on being called bmom, I don't think she has a problem with it, she often refers to herself as bmom. She knows she is as much my mother as my amom, I think.
I call my biological parents by their first names when I am talking to them. I call my birthfather my father when I am talking to other people. For some reason I don't call my birthmother my mother; mainly because I had a mother. Baby mason you mentioned that your birthmother/biomother said she would have aborted you. At that point she would not have any contact with my child if I were in your shoes. It's not that I have an issue with abortion I don't. It's that she has no sensitivity about how what she says affects other people. I would set a boundary and tell these people you will be the only one making decisions related to your son. Blood relationships don't insure the people who have them are capable of caring for the children they produce. I would be extremely cautious if the woman has mental health issues.
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My son started off by calling me by my first name then he chose to call me mum. After that it was either mum or my first name depending on his mood. He refers to me as his birth mother when clarifying whom I am but he never did it in my hearing as he knows I find it offensive but has referred to me as his bio mother in front of me for clarification. Incidently his adoptive parents refer to me as his natural mother or one of his mothers which was their choice.
RavenSong
Ramned, when you say you call her "bmom," do you mean birth mom or bio-mom? Actually the birth mom title doesn't get my goat in the same way that bio-mom does. I joined Concerned United Birthparents back around 1980 or so, and I got used to using birthmother when talking about myself. But somewhere along the line, the adoption industry hijacked the title and used it as a tool to get expectant mothers to dissociate from their babies. That's when I went back to what I was known as and called in 1972...a natural mother. I got a phone call one day from my son after he had been lurking on the boards here. He told me that there'd be hell to pay if I ever called him my birthson. He doesn't like that title any more than I like birthmom or bio-mom. As far as not calling your bmom "Mom," that's really okay. I don't think any of us who surrendered our babies to adoption have the automatic right to be addressed as Mom. My son calls me Mom sometimes, but usually he calls me Raven. Actually I tend to worry about him when he calls me on the phone and says, "Hi, Mom." I worry because I've noticed during the last 22 years that he usually calls me Mom when he's coming down with something or doesn't feel well. I have known a lot of adoptees over the years who are in long-term reunion and address their amoms as "Mom" and their bmoms as "Mother." For some reason, that resonates with me.
PADJ
The only ones who can answer how your b-parents view you are your b-parents of course. This is kind of what I meant by the "uh, hello?...21st century calling..." conversation. Regardless of whether an adult child has a fantastic relationship with their parents or a weak one, regardless of whether the additional layer of adoption is added in or not, if the parents try to take the "I am the parent and you are the child" approach and dictate what the adult child does, that is going to end up very poorly. You said that if you don't do as your b-parents want they get mad. At some point, don't you have to say "sorry you feel that way" and stop? If you have exhausted all rational avenues to make it clear to them that you are not wanting nor needing them to be "mommy and daddy" and are an adult in any event, but they still don't get it, what happens from there on isn't on you. It's on them. Not easy to choose, I know. Best, PADJ
Ramned
I call my mother "bmom." I'm not a huge fan of it but I can't really call them mom and dad for confusion. I wouldn't want them calling me "bson." However my bmom actually seems to insist on being called bmom, I don't think she has a problem with it, she often refers to herself as bmom. She knows she is as much my mother as my amom, I think.
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murphymalone
I call my biological parents by their first names when I am talking to them. I call my birthfather my father when I am talking to other people. For some reason I don't call my birthmother my mother; mainly because I had a mother. Baby mason you mentioned that your birthmother/biomother said she would have aborted you. At that point she would not have any contact with my child if I were in your shoes. It's not that I have an issue with abortion I don't. It's that she has no sensitivity about how what she says affects other people. I would set a boundary and tell these people you will be the only one making decisions related to your son. Blood relationships don't insure the people who have them are capable of caring for the children they produce. I would be extremely cautious if the woman has mental health issues.
Yeah, there are a lot of red flags here. I don't think you're being overprotective of your son. It sounds as if you've done a very good job of raising him, so I would recommend that you continue to follow your instincts. I'm sorry to say this, but I think you may be at the end of your rope with your b-parents. Since they created you they have the right to do what they do?? Um...okay. I don't know what to rationally say to that. Emotionally I would say "RUN!" I had an instance in my past (with my a-parents) where no matter how many times I tried to explain, give logical reasons why what they believed was BS, extend olive branches and so on, they wouldn't listen. I finally had to make the choice to tell them that they had the right to believe whatever they chose to believe, but I didn't have to go along with it. I walked away, and that was the last time I ever had any contact with them. It is heart wrenching, but at the end of the day, what does it take to be able to look in the mirror? Best, PADJ
Trust your gut. If your birthparents can't process the fact that they relinquished their rights when they gave you up and want to railroad you into doing things you aren't comfortable with; keep your boundaries intact. It may mean they need to reassess. It's not an all or nothing principle. People often need boundary awakenings. When I met my birthparents they were not ready to deal with my daughter. I found some of their comments critical and they seemed awkward around her. I sat her down and told her that having contact with them didn't mean she had to call them Grandpa and Grandma. She was young. I was not going to have her affected by people who I did not know that well. Now she visits them and doesn't seem to be affected by their issues. In fact she provides insight for me. I am her mother and she grew up with me. I wanted her to know why I am the way I am. I emailed my brother and I haven't emailed or called my birth parents since January 1st. The ball is their court. I am not going to chase them down. They know how to get ahold of me.
murphymalone
Trust your gut. If your birthparents can't process the fact that they relinquished their rights when they gave you up and want to railroad you into doing things you aren't comfortable with; keep your boundaries intact. It may mean they need to reassess. It's not an all or nothing principle. People often need boundary awakenings. When I met my birthparents they were not ready to deal with my daughter. I found some of their comments critical and they seemed awkward around her. I sat her down and told her that having contact with them didn't mean she had to call them Grandpa and Grandma. She was young. I was not going to have her affected by people who I did not know that well. Now she visits them and doesn't seem to be affected by their issues. In fact she provides insight for me. I am her mother and she grew up with me. I wanted her to know why I am the way I am. I emailed my brother and I haven't emailed or called my birth parents since January 1st. The ball is their court. I am not going to chase them down. They know how to get ahold of me.
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She saw them the same day I did. We had been communicating by phone and letters for some time; almost 6 months. Then when my brothers came home and they had the opportunity to tell them of my existence in person they came to see me. It was a "trip". I was completely nervous. My daughter was in school for most of the day but came home and there they were. She had a Nana my adoptive mother and her Grandma on her father's side so the experience of having two grandparents was new. She was overwhelmed at first and thought they would step into the role. They didn't really and she was okay with that. At the first sign of them not being aware of their effect on her I stopped contact with her. I just went to visit on my own. It was the best move I could make. Now she understands more about the situation and to tell you the truth she doesn't ask about them. They are not that connected in her mind.
She saw them the same day I did. We had been communicating by phone and letters for some time; almost 6 months. Then when my brothers came home and they had the opportunity to tell them of my existence in person they came to see me. It was a "trip". I was completely nervous. My daughter was in school for most of the day but came home and there they were. She had a Nana my adoptive mother and her Grandma on her father's side so the experience of having two grandparents was new. She was overwhelmed at first and thought they would step into the role. They didn't really and she was okay with that. At the first sign of them not being aware of their effect on her I stopped contact with her. I just went to visit on my own. It was the best move I could make. Now she understands more about the situation and to tell you the truth she doesn't ask about them. They are not that connected in her mind. She is much more attached to my Aunt