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I have been reading these boards for several years as I have been going through my search. More than a year ago, I was able to locate my biological mother and family through a professional searcher. I did my research and decided to reach out to my BM through email. She did not respond at all.. I found a post online that was from one of her sisters in search of me! I contacted both of her sisters. Neither of them called me back. I waited and sent a follow up email explaining who I was and that I did not expect anything but would be interested in a conversation and medical history. I ultimately got an email from my BM telling me to go away, not to contact her or her family again, I had contacted to wrong people and not to ruin her life.......OK, clearly she was not ready for contact with me. I sent her a final email telling her that I would respect her wishes and that she did not have to worry about me showing up on her doorstep (she lives only 10 miles from where I work) and I thanked her for giving me life, I told her how much I respected her decision, I have no anger and I explained that my search was really for medical history and that contact would have been a bonus.
So it has not been more than a year since that all happened. I am feeling like I want to reach out to my grandmother (her mother). I just don't know if it is a good idea. In the post I found online from her sister, she said that she was looking for information about me for their mother because she wanted to know if I was still living"(before she died)". I want to respect her wishes but by doing that I am giving up on my own. I have 2 adult siblings (whom I have not contacted) and 4 adult cousins (whom I have not contacted) I have contact info for all of them but I am trying to tread lightly and give her a chance to come to grips with my presence. Based on my research, I think there may be 2 issues present 1) I do not believe that my biological father knows of my existence. 2) She has been married for about 30 years, and I do not believe her current husband knows of my existence either. I have read The Girls Who Went Away so I do have an understanding of the pressure.
In your opinion, what should be the next steps (if any)?
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So glad you have decided to contact. I think that if what you desire is contact and are prepared that they may not want it or it could turn out so very wonderful, I say go for it! I think your siblings have a right to know you exist and it feels good to know that you do exist. It just feels good to say here I am and I am a part of you all.
You get to choose this time what actions you take.
Good luck!
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Try to send the letter with a carrier that isn't the post office. These companies sometimes have a way where you can have someone sign for it and WHO signed for it is listed. I sent something once and it gave me the first initial and last name of the signer. Just make sure you ask for this when you send it with one like Fed Ex.
dcadoptee76
I appreciate all of this feedback more than you will ever know. It is so helpful to get feedback from other people who have been in the situation. I think I have decided that I will reach out to my grandmother through a letter. I do not want to be overly intrusive. I have a feeling she will be more interested in talking with me than others because the internet post that I found said that she was interested in finding information about me. I will keep you all posted. Now I just need to get the guts to do it!
This is all such great advice! I will definitely use a traceable carrier for the letter. I think I have got the letter completed. I am just going to think on it for today and then I think I am going to just go ahead with it! I don't know why I feel like I have to do what she says....she is not in control of me but it is still so hard for me...It is almost like I don't want to disappoint her?? I know that sounds completely crazy!
We all go through the same kind of self examination related to are we good enough, will we be a disappointment, do we deserve it, will they like me etc. etc. ad nauseum. It doesn't matter how successful you are or how mature you are; this stuff reduces us down to our most vulnerable state. You aren't alone.
I had to literally decommission that "self talk" by getting up an doing something physical like taking a bath or going for a walk to keep me in the here and now. It's old baggage. When you find yourself on that gerbil wheel get up and run your hands under water or do something that gets the cortisone caused by this stuff out of your system.
After awhile you can control those thoughts mentally without the physical stimulus. It's normal. But you don't have to dwell on this stuff. It's old brain activity triggered by abandonment. We can comprehend it and deal with it after awhile but initially there are some physiological things that happen hormonally. Not much different than PTSD really.
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Ok, so I sent a letter to my aunt, my birth mothers sister. I asked her for my medical history. I mailed the letter on a Thursday and she emailed me on Friday......she completely denies any relationship to me. She says that they know for a fact that we are not related. I however know that is not true. We are very much related- I look just like my biological mother. I responded to her and gave her all of the facts that can not be disputed. Needless to say, she never responded again. The only other person that I could, in good conscious, contact is my grandmother. I am just not sure if should do that or if I should accept that they do not want contact from me. I just can't imagine having a child and never wanting to even see them again....I guess I wasn't in whatever situation she was in so I will never understand.
Really hope you receive a reply and are not just left hanging and not knowing. Wanting that approval is something I think you always look for when you are adopted, even if your life has been great it's in there somewhere and it's her you need it from more than anyone, crazy when you think about it but normal! I asked my birth mother for 10 years to introduce me to my brother and sister eventually I decided that my mother was a grown adult and would cope and contacted them myself. Life's too shortߘ Good luck!
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I am not sure how people could be so removed from a child either. I can't imagine how a person could just deny something like that. I can see if they get to know a person and they see there has been too much water under the bridge to keep up the relationship but to not want to meet at all smacks of having no self esteem or something you want to hide.
I wonder if it's fear that we will lash out in some way. Ranting and raving or demanding. Most of the people I've talked to are just grateful to have the chance. Who knows what makes people tick.
My birth mother has never brought the subject up with me directly (only seen her 3 times in 15 years)! though I have been told that she was not happy about it. Obviously hurting her was never my intention but to almost be 'held to ransom' by a person who doesn't want me in her life and would like to control who else I have in my life upset me! I was unsure of whether to go ahead and contact my siblings for so long because I didn't want to lose what little contact I did have with her. Feel differently now...if the consideration and love isn't going both ways, it hurts more to keep it going than finally let go. Really hope things work out for you. Would be interested to hear how it goes☺
dakotastitleic
I think you should reach out to your grandmother - just because your bmom doesn't want contact, doesn't mean your grandmother feels the same.
It's nice that you're taking your bmom's feelings into consideration, but her issues are not really your problem. Just my opinion (as a birthmother myself) - the rest of her family may feel very differently than she does.
Good luck - it's not an easy thing to decide, I'm sure.
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Yes, I did contact my aunt again because she was the one that posted online. I was hoping that she would engage in a conversation with me. I didn't contact my grandmother because I thought my aunt may have been a safer gateway to her. I have decided I am going to contact my grandmother. As it turns out, she looked at my classmates profile the day after I sent the letter so I know for sure that her daughter is communicating with her. I am sure she was curious what I looked like and wanted to confirm in her own mind that I am who I say I am. I have been holding off in hopes that she would make the move but I don't think that is going to happen. I don't think that I outed my birth mom to anyone because I made sure to contact people that I knew from internet postings, etc that knew about me already.