I don't want to see my birth mother again, but don't know how to tell her?

As a birth/first mom, if my son had felt the same way you do back when we reunited, I would have wanted to know. Sometimes the best way to handle this type of communication is the old-fashioned way...a handwritten letter. If you feel this strongly about not meetiing her, I think you should tell her, whether that is via phone call, snail mail, or email. I like the snail mail option the best because there just is something tangible about reading someone's handwriting that you don't get in email.

I think your birth mom and her husband would understand that at 23 your priority will be moving forward on whatever path you are striking out on in life, but if there is a 13 yr old who is an only child and is looking forward to meeting her sibling, then I kind of feel it would be the kinder thing if you could make an effort to meet a few times for the sake of the young girl. I have a 15 yr old daughter (adopted) who has a half-sister that she did not grow up with, but she so desperately wants contact with her sister. She went six years between visits and now it has been maybe three years since she last saw her and yet she longs all the time for her sister to call/respond to messages/etc. Her sister is 22 and not really interested and it is very hurtful for my daughter. Though I have to admit she is pretty insatiable in how much contact she wants, I don't know why she is so clingy toward a sibling she did not grow up with, but she sure feels strongly about it.

I would suggest you bite the bullet and tell them you are not interested in establishing a relationship at this time. You don't have to expand on that. Do it now, before you set yourself up in a situation that is even more difficult to escape. It doesn't matter how you do it. Just do it. If you feel in your gut it's not right to do don't second guess yourself or worry that you might hurt their feelings. Bear in mind she made the decision not you. The ball is in your court. You may change your mind or not. When a person leaves an infant it's the risk they take. People move on with their lives and if you don't have the motivation to engage; it's cruel to do nothing. You are where you are with this for a reason. It slays me that there is a level of entitlement to contact that some people take for granted. I spent decades looking and found out what I needed to know. I left the door open when I felt "taken for granted". As an adoptee who had no control over the situation that lead to my adoption I gave these people the opportunity to know that I am alive and well. That's more than some people get and they still can't seem to understand how devastating it was for me. I don't owe them any more than what I have done so far. That came from my birth father who is much more able to understand my position than my birthmother. She is wrapped up in her guilt for lying for years. Don't toy with their emotions. Be clear and firm. You may change your mind at some point. Then it will be up to them whether they want to engage any further. That's the risk you will take.

Maybe you could just let them know that you`re feeling a bit overwhelmed. I think as an adoptee it`s easy to feel that pressure and if you were able to have contact on your terms, without feeling smothered, they would understand and you might actually like getting to know them. I remember when I first made contact with my birthmom, it was all through email and the thought of talking to her was very intimidating and when she asked if I could call her I told her I needed a bit of time. Eventually I did and we`ve gotten to know each other a lot since then. Just be as honest as you can but I would leave the door open for the future.

My son searched for me and when we reunited he was adamant that he wanted contact. After 5 years of trying to make it work he ended it. During that time I had my doubts that he wanted to continue with contactafter getting info. I don't know if my thoughts are right but if he didn't want contact I would have wanted to know right from the start. Just be honest with them regardless if it is painful for them to know the truth. The truth hurts but lies hurt even more ... been there, worn the cap .....

Thanks for all the responses. They've helped a lot. I'm writing a letter today telling her that at this point in time I'm not ready to see her.

I am so glad that you decided to write her a letter. I believe it's always best to be honest and upfront in these situations, otherwise confusion may set in on her end. This stuff is just plain hard, partly because we're all so afraid of hurting each other's feelings.

Good for you. The way you worded your comment was perfect. "At this point I am not ready". You've stated the fact and it still leaves the opportunity door open down the road.

I think you have gotten good advice. Honesty is the best policy. I am sure you have thought long and hard about this and taken in to consideration that your birthmother and sister may take this as rejection. It may be especially hard for your birthmother as she will have to help her teenage daughter though this. If the door is not open in the future due to this I hope you will understand that it may only be to protect themselves from future rejection. But I think you did the right thing as they know where they stand and can work through it.

So I told her I'm not ready to speak. I sat down with my real parents (adoptive parents) and asked about my history. They told me that my birth mother also had another child with another father, but she doesn't see the child. I strained my memory and I remembered being told this a long time ago, and actually going to see the second child when I was about 5. So my birth mother had 3 kids, with 3 different fathers and only kept the last one. That's sealed the deal, as far as I'm concerned. That wh*re is never talking to me again. Sorry for the language, but I'm raging at the moment.

[QUOTE=MadeInAustralia]So my birth mother had 3 kids, with 3 different fathers and only kept the last one. [QUOTE] That resonated with me. My birth mom had 3 kids with 3 different fathers and put me (the middle one) out for adoption. That plays with my self perceptions sometimes if I let it...that my brothers on either side of me could be kept, but for some reason not me. Like I said, only if I let it... I think there has been a lot of good thought and advice in this thread already, honesty being the main point. You've made your stance plain enough. The only thing I would consider is to leave the door ajar as MM said, and not slam it shut, bolt all the locks and start nailing boards over it. If for no other reason, it keeps your options open for later. You don't have to change your mind, it's just a bit more flexible position to be in for later in case you do. Best, PADJ

You are absolutely within your rights not to want a relationship with your birthmom, and I think you've gotten some great advice here and I'm glad that you've written her a letter being honest. I'm also delighted to hear that you have had a happy life and that you love your parents so much! As an AP myself, that's always nice to hear. :)I just felt a little sad, I must admit, to see you refer to your birthmother as a "wh*re" for having three children with three different men and only keeping the last one. You see, my son's birthmother has had three different children by three different men and is only keeping the last one that she is currently pregnant with. Has she made some bad choices? You bet! But I would never think of her as a "wh*re." Because I have had the privilege of getting to know her, I like to think that I have some understanding of what has shaped her. In her case, she had a very difficult life in poverty, with a difficult mother and a very abusive and drug addicted father. She is also very young. I doubt very highly that I could have done better in her shoes. I have also seen that despite her horrid upbringing and challenging life, she has amazing strength and resolve. I really love and admire her so much!So ... you definitely don't have to have a relationship with your birthmom if you don't want one. I absolutely respect that as your choice. But I hope you would consider that there may be factors which contributed to her poor decisions that you aren't aware of and, thankfully because of her loving decision to place you, you have never had to deal with yourself. I'm not at all trying to scold you for your feelings so I hope I don't come off that way. Just, as someone who loves a birthmom who made similar choices, I felt compelled to speak on her behalf. Bad choices doesn't equal bad person.Peace,Mani

I know you are angry. You have the right to vent. But bear in mind the number of men who get different women pregnant. Somehow they don't have a name for it other than "player" which somehow seems cool to people. I am not sure how I would feel so I think you have to follow your heart. If you are not ready to see her or meet her now I can't blame you. Our expectations about our mothers makes us rage. I can see how you would feel furious. You take care of yourself and let time pass. I am sorry that things happened the way they did. But at least you know what you are dealing with. People change. Time heals.

I think you need to honor your feelings. I have expressed a wish for space in my adoptive life, thankfully it was taken well. It would be great to find a way of leaving the door open if you wish but on your terms.

HiCould I draw your attention to the following link which might explain why your natural mother had those other children. I think it might help you. It is from some research on relinquishing mothers.This is quoted from Dr. Kathryn McDermott, “Rights of the Relinquishing Mother.” Human Rights Commission Discussion Paper, July 1984. Sec. 55, Canberra, ACT.From [URL="http://www.originscanada.org/effects-of-adoption-on-mental-health-of-the-mother-what-professionals-knew-and-didnt-tell-us/"]So little is known about the experience of natural mothers because no-one valued it enough to record it. So its very easy to jump to the wrong conclusions.You are completely entitled to choose who you want in your life and why.But please be aware that everything is not always how it seems, especially in the world of adoption where so much is secret and so many voices are unheard. So please try not to judge the woman who gave you up. You may not know her story. I wish you happiness and peace.