My story (and it might be a little long...)

I am fairly new to the boards, only having posted a few times, but I wanted to introduce myself. I am a 41-year-old adoptee (placed at 10 days old) and reconnected with my birth parents when I was 21. It has been a roller coaster of a ride since then, to say the very least. I grew up in a very loving family and my parents were always supportive of my search and the need to know where I came from. Their support made the whole idea of searching more bearable. They have both passed, but my stepmom adopted me at 29, so I can say I've been adopted twice. That's a whole other story... ;) All these years later, I find that I am more emotional and thoughtful about the reconnections than when they actually occurred. Two and a half years after my first contact with my bmother, she said it was just too hard and she couldnt deal with our reconnection at that point in her life. I have three half-sisters and they were all having troubles, she was in a bad marriage and dealing with health issues. So, she needed to focus on those. I have never pretended to know what it would be like to relinquish a child, so I told her that when she was ready, she would always know where to find me. She asked that I stay in touch but that she wouldnҒt be able to respond for a while. I wrote her twice a year usually around Mother֒s Day and her birthday. That was in 1993. 13 years later I got a responseand was filled with hope that maybe, just maybe, this was it. Maybe she was truly ready to start reconnecting, etc. I wrote her back and never heard another word. This was in 2006. The pain that caused was worse than not knowing anythingŅI felt like I had done something, although she said in her letter that she has needed time to deal with things herself and that I have given her plenty of time and space. I couldnt beat myself up anymore, so in 2007 I wrote her a short note that said I wouldnҒt write any more unless I heard from her. I wished her well, thanked her again for having the courage to give me a life that she didnt think she could and said that I would never completely close the door. My communication with my half-sisters has been spotty, but more active than anything I ever had with our mother. But even that went by the wayside in 2009. Every now and again, something sparks within me to start looking around to see if I can find out anything about what they are up to. I donҒt know if this means that something is going on in their lives, but its gnawing at me again. So, I emailed one of my sisters this morning and didnҒt get a bounceback, so well see how often she checks her email Җ and hope for a response. :) My bfather is still in my life and hes my dad. HeҒs also Grandpa to my three children and they love him dearly. I have two half-siblings with him, but they were born after our reunion so they are more like a nephew and niece than a brother and sister, but its awesome to be a part of their lives as well. I guess my bottom line is this: I wouldnҒt change a thing. I have no regrets about searching and knowing where I came from is worth its weight in gold. Not every reunion in like what we see on television and some that I have heard about are downright hurtful, but I truly think that is a risk everyone takes when searching you don֒t know what youre walking into and thatҒs part of that fear. But, in the end, for me, that fear was well worth facing. Do I wish it would have turned out differently? Absolutely. But, I got questions answered, met my family and have photos and memories to share with my family. My past is no longer a black hole it is colorful, emotional and full. Good luck to all of you that are searching and good luck to all of you that are found. Adoption is a part of our lives and always will be -- and this journey of finding ourselves is a daily one.