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or seen a comment posted to the adoptive parents of your child, of how the child you placed "looks just like" them.
I'm asking because we adopted through fostercare but are in an open adoption with the birthfamily and they are friends on my facebook page. Another friend(who knows we have adopted and also has adopted herself) saw a picture I posted of my adopted dd, and made the comment "Wow! She looks just like you".
Now I am worried if this comment will hurt my dd's birthfamily, particularly her birthmother when/if she sees it. I'm also worried that my casual response "everyone always says that" will be more hurtful to her.
After I posted it, I immediately realized that her birthmom would see it and might be hurt by it. I sat for over a half hour trying to figure out how to re-word my response to also recognize the connection she has to my daughter and how she actually looks just like her birthmom. But, I am torn. Do I need to clarify our adoption status (when it is well known to all my friends that my dd is adopted)? Or do I just take the compliment for what it was and not make a big deal about it.
I did finally write "we are very proud of her for the beautiful young woman she is, not only on the outside but on the inside as well. She has been such a blessing in our life."
Is this enough or should I just delete all the comments, just to be sure it doesn't cause any excess hurt or pain for her?
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your responds was beautiful.
BUT, you know, that a lot of adoptive children ARE looking like their adoptive parents?
I don't know HOW that works.. but it happens all the time.. just like old married couples kind of start looking alike.
we knew a family we met on vacation, and kept saying HOW she is the spitting image of her dad.. it was crazy! same very lean body shape, long arms, totally fit and sportscrazy... well.... after the 2. year at the same place, and becoming friends with them, they said: she is adopted. no blood relations. BUT this kid looked JUST LIKE her a-Dad!
we took our STAS to the Dr. the other week.. had him since birth, and Dr. stated, he looks more like ME every time she sees him... I am CC, he is biracial, and no relation, BUT, he really DOES look like me. Same eyes, same chin, weired, and I don't know how that all works.. but it's true.
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Your response was very nice, you could always say something like she does look a little like me but also favors her birthmom, or something along those lines. The comments may hurt the birthmoms feeling but that is kinda the nature of the beast and I think sometimes the littlest thing can hurt the birthmoms feelings and it wasn't even meant in a mean or bad or hurtful way. It is possible that she <birthmom> is aware of how somethings may hurt and she is able to just acknowledge that it hurts her feeling and move on, without ever saying anything to the a-parents. There has to come a point where you can enjoy comments about how beautiful your daughter is, without always worrying about who is looking and seeing those comments. There have been comments about littleman and how awesome he is on his mom's page and some of them have hurt my feelings a little bit but I would never say anything to his parents because I don't want them to feel like they have to constantly worry about me and my feelings. :-)
When my bson's first son was born I was amazed at how much he looked liked D's adad. Think of all the celebrity "lookalikes." People who come from similar ethnic background can often look similar even if they are not relatives so I think it's not surprising achildren should physically resemble their aparents. Add to that, people are looking for resemblances between parent and child, so much so that when they don't see one, people have been known to say, "She doesn't look like you, is she adopted?"
I think that children pick up on the mannerisms of their parents, including facial expressions which adds to the "adaughter looks like aparent". There is a girl I watch who looks NOTHING like her aparents, however, when she makes facial expressions like her parents, I can see the resemblence and say "wow, she looks like you" to her mom (amom). I think it comes down to the mannerisms being used by the children that are the same as their parent(s).
Thank you for your responces. I agree, it must be the mannerisms, figures or speech, expressions etc.:D
I just didn't want to spark extra pain in birthmom, but your right maybe it just comes with the territory and can't be helped. I hope showing my appreciation and gratitude for dd brings a sense of comfort, knowing I don't take her sweet presence in my life for granted.
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