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Today I feel as though I am the luckiest person in the world. I have been perusing this site in search of my birth parents for years. While my search was not fruitful, the stories and posts have all been inspiring. However, being an adoptee born in the State of Illinois, I was able to obtain a copy of my original birth certificate which arrived in the mail yesterday.
The five month wait for this document was aggravting and exciting. As a 32 year old husband and father or 2.5 children, I was searching to complete the missing pieces to my puzzle. I always envied others stories about family history and ancestors, and always wanted to know how I physically came to be. Knowing that a reunion could go in any random direction, I conditioned myself to think that as long as I could find a name, I would be able to put the pieces of this puzzle together without having to make contact. Today I have one name (my birth father's name is not on my birth certificate as my birth mother was young and fortunately had the opportunity live and deliver in a Salvation Army Hospital). Through the power of the Internet, I have been able to put very small pieces of this puzzle together - not the all-encompassing story that played out in my imagination.
While I feel fortunate to have this sliver of information, the crux of my problem is what to do next. For the last 20 years, I was not sure if I would want to make contact. For me, all I really wanted to know was where I came from. Now I feel to gain closure to my life's story, I will have to reach out. While it would be easy to send a message on Facebook, I feel that the shock and informal nature might be off-putting; when I told my wife on the phone that I found my bm's information she was so shocked she hung up on me (and called back 5 minutes later).
From what I can infer, my birth mother is married without children and has a successful career. I am struggling with the thoughts that she may have never wanted to have children, and perhaps she has kept my birth a secret from those that are in her life now as an adult. If that were the case, my reaching out could be a negative thing in her eyes. It's not that there is anything that I need in my life - I have a great job, great family and great adopted family. I just feel a strong connection now that I know she is definitely out there in the world.
I also feel that I am now in the driver's seat. I have enough information to make contact, and she does not. What if she were searching but only found closed doors? But is it fair that I had this opportunity to find her via the State after a closed adoption? If my wife was this shocked, how would my birth mother feel?
If you were a birth mother, do you think receiving a letter in the mail would be acceptable after 32 years or would you have moved on? I know that I think of her every year on my birthday, and if I were on the receiving end of such information, I would be elated. Should I test the waters via one of her relatives? I am not sure what to do...
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If a love for overly formal language is genetic then I'm sure she'll really dig it... hopefully this trait isn't from your birth father's side.
Do keep us apprised of the situation pertaining to this initial engagement with your birth mother, good chap.
I know I know, you don't even have to say it: If being an a$$hole is genetic then I'm gonna tell Nancy Pelosi that her birth son is posting on my thread.
Chicago, I'm with you. Life is too short. You have inspired me with your actions. Sorry if I over-joshed... I'm just kidding and I was trying to make you smile. This is a strange road that many of us are now traveling, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Except for the way that I'll eventually do it.:eek:
chicago07
Life is too short...
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BuzzKill - It's ironic that you mention an appreciation for the written word. As I cobbled that epistle to my birth mother, I had an epiphany that for the first time in 10 years, my journalism degree had been put to good use. However, grasping the written (and sometimes spoken) word is not so much a genetic trait, but more of a survival mechanism I use to bluff my way through work.
You are correct in saying that this is a strange road; receiving my OBC and sending a message has been surreal. I've gone my entire life not knowing the answer to my life's greatest mystery, and I may have just put that to rest in one short week's time. There definitely is no right or wrong way. There definitely are no perfect words. That is why I went with the approach I took; it was all about mitigating risk while at the same time delivering sincere thoughts.
I will definitely let you know how this unfolds. Regardless of what happens, it should be interesting.
Hey, if you don't receive a response to your FB message, there's a good chance she may not have gotten it. When I found my bmom, I sent her a private message on Facebook when I first attempted contact, and since we were not "friends" she never received it, and it didn't bounce back to me either. I followed up with a traditional snail mail letter, which she received and immediately called me. That's how I found out she never got my Facebook message.
Chicago, you are the best! I could not have articulated it better myself nor will I endeavor to try! You are luckier than I am too... I was a Poli Sci major and I've never used that.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck and I'll be very interested hearing how it goes with you. Please keep us updated. I have a desktop shortcut to this thread and hopefully more birth moms contribute too.
I am pre Roe v. Wade and judging by where I was born as opposed to where my birth mom's family lived, she had ended up in a ghetto at presumably a home for unwed mothers. That must have affected her in some very negative ways and I've ordered some books on Amazon about what pregnant girls/women used to have to go through. It was a different era and I want to try to understand it better before I jump headlong into this and say something really stupid as I am wont to do.
Hopefully Really Stupid isn't genetic either. If it is I feel sorry for my birth mom.
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I appreciate the heads-up regarding the Facebook messaging system. I was operating under the assumption that the message would go through; I thought that I had received messages from others in the past who were not friends on FB.
While I have yet to hear back, I am going to wait a week before I even consider dropping a letter in the mail. Perhaps she is on vacation or only checks Facebook sporadically. While my interest in FB has waned over the last year, I now, ironically, find myself checking my profile every 30 minutes on my phone. I need a significant distraction.
I think I may start digging deeper into the Booth Memorial Hospitals to kill time. It sounds like a terribly foreign experience (literally and figuratively) and was a big part of my life for a very short period in time. Has anyone uncovered a decent source of information on-line or in print?
chicago07
I appreciate the heads-up regarding the Facebook messaging system. I was operating under the assumption that the message would go through; I thought that I had received messages from others in the past who were not friends on FB.
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chicago07
I appreciate the responses and insight. I have done some reading and thinking today, and will most likely do much more on this topic. Two things I know for sure: 1) I am going to take my time in thinking about a proper way to reach out and 2) I am one day definitely going to reach out.
I am understanding of the fact that she may not be in a position to welcome me into her life, but I really like the idea that I can send a letter which, at the very least, will give her the peace of mind that I ended up in a loving home, and am now grateful for the opportunity to raise my own family.
Speaking of which, I guess I should clarify a statement I made about the Salvation Army Booth Memorial Hospitals. To be honest, I have not heard many pleasant or nice things about the stays or experience. I realize 1979 was a very different time, but when I say the word fortunate, I am speaking about my own good fortune. I understand the sacrifice that this was, and am glad she did not take an easier way out (for lack of a better term).
I apologize for not getting back to those who have responded; I was lying in wait.
However...I did receive a response on Facebook today! True to what everyone has said in the past, Facebook is not the most practical way to make a quick connection as messages from people who you are not friends with get filtered to a little know sub folder. While I knew this was the case, my plan was to wait things out as I did not want to come across as needy, desperate or stalker-like.
When Facebook decided to change their e-mail address policy last week, I had a feeling my message might be uncovered - hoping it would send people searching through the annals of their account. Sure enough, I received a response from my bmom!
As I anticipated, she was definitely shell shocked. She sent me a message on fb yesterday and a follow-up this afternoon; I discovered both at the same time. Ironically, I do not have much to report. In synopsis of what I received, she is excited to hear from me, was always concerned about my well being and has thought about me on what more or less is a daily basis.
While she shared both her cell number and e-mail, I am going to think out a response and hold off on calling. Plus, I am not a phone conversation type of guy.
For those who are interested, I will update again as the communication evolves between my bmom and myself. I find it interesting that what I originally thought was the hard part, finding her and making contact, is over. Now that I have a response, I am realizing that I may be living outside of my established comfort zone over and over again as I share this revelation with the likes of my wife, friends and potentially my parents. Conversely, I now have established a link that will allow me to fill in historical blanks for myself, my children and even my bmom.
Thanks for all of those who have read and responded. A very special thanks to "arjo1244" whose shared experiences are not only enlightening, but very appreciated.
chicago07
I apologize for not getting back to those who have responded; I was lying in wait.
However...I did receive a response on Facebook today! True to what everyone has said in the past, Facebook is not the most practical way to make a quick connection as messages from people who you are not friends with get filtered to a little know sub folder. While I knew this was the case, my plan was to wait things out as I did not want to come across as needy, desperate or stalker-like.
When Facebook decided to change their e-mail address policy last week, I had a feeling my message might be uncovered - hoping it would send people searching through the annals of their account. Sure enough, I received a response from my bmom!
As I anticipated, she was definitely shell shocked. She sent me a message on fb yesterday and a follow-up this afternoon; I discovered both at the same time. Ironically, I do not have much to report. In synopsis of what I received, she is excited to hear from me, was always concerned about my well being and has thought about me on what more or less is a daily basis.
While she shared both her cell number and e-mail, I am going to think out a response and hold off on calling. Plus, I am not a phone conversation type of guy.
For those who are interested, I will update again as the communication evolves between my bmom and myself. I find it interesting that what I originally thought was the hard part, finding her and making contact, is over. Now that I have a response, I am realizing that I may be living outside of my established comfort zone over and over again as I share this revelation with the likes of my wife, friends and potentially my parents. Conversely, I now have established a link that will allow me to fill in historical blanks for myself, my children and even my bmom.
Thanks for all of those who have read and responded. A very special thanks to "arjo1244" whose shared experiences are not only enlightening, but very appreciated.
Congrats Chicago - welcome to the roller-coaster...if you thought checking your profile every thirty minutes was obsessive you might find that becomes a "if only I could check every 30 minutes"... I'm not a phone person either so feel for you - tell her that and that perhaps email to start is best or just grab the bull by the horns and meet somewhere and get it over with because that is the scary part...honesty is the most important advice in reunion - agree up front to be truthful when either is feeling pressured. Have you received any pictures yet? Do you see yourself? Kind regards,Dickons
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I just created a shortcut to your thread. I am facing the exact same thing. I received my OBC on Saturday, was 80 to 90% sure that I knew who she was by Sunday, and I definitely knew who she was by yesterday, thanks to the help of a search angel who provided incontrovertible evidence.
Thanks
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Hi, I read your post and just wanted to say that I really feel for you. As a mother and adoptee I pondered similar questions to you. As a mum I felt that I would welcome contact if I had a child searching for me but as an adoptee I worried about disrupting her life and being rejected. A third party making the initial contact could save hers and your feelings a little - my husband was my third party! I sincerely hope it works out the way you are hoping for. If you decide to search for information regarding your birth father and I can be of help please contact Someone Somewhere Free Birth Parent Search - [url=http://www.haveyouseenmydad.net]Free Birth Parent Search - Someone Somewhere[/url] Wishing you the best of luck