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ok- This is a very long story but I will try to make it as short as possible.
My sister who is 11 Years older than me has had a Huge Drug addiction her entire adult life. Heavy Heavy Drugs. I have tried everything in my power (Sincie I was 16 years old) to help her with her problems but nothing has ever worked.
When I was 19 and she was 30- She had a baby girl. Thru the years her drug use actually got worse. My then Boyfriend and now husband and I have had custody on and off the babys entire life. We would have her or 3 months and the courts would give her back, we had her for a year when my sister was in Jail - and the courts still gave her back. Whe the little girl was 7- I Vowed that this can not keep going on. I promised that I would do everything in my power to keep her for good if she messed up one more time.
Well- One day when my "Niece" was 8 she walked in from school to see EMT reviving on her OD'ed Mother.
She was placed in a foster home. In the past, I was always contacted before the state got envolved so she would immediatly come to me. But since my sister was unconcious and unable to give volentary custody to me, they placed her in a foster home.
Since she was "A child of the state" I couldnt simply get custody this time. My husband and I had to become foster parents. Since it was taking too long due to us living in a diffrent state, my husband and I moved 1500 miles to their state. We did everything we had to in order to get custody. It took 4 months, but we got custody.
My sister didnt comply with anything she had to. She failed every single drug test and didnt go to any meetings. she wasnt showing up for visits and eventually had her visits revoked and ultimatly her rights were terminated.
Since she wasnt being an active part of my "Niece's" life, I cut all ties.
We would only see her on court dates. After her rights were terminated, we had no contact.
We adopted my now Daughter. She chose to take our last name. WE had a baby thru this all and she asked to be called SISTER to the new baby.
She is now calling us MOM and Dad. She is an AMAZING youg girl and now she is 15. The adoption was 4 years ago.
MY family (For some unknown reason) Still speaks to my sister. I have learned that I cannot control what other people do - I can only protect my family. I have asked all members not to give any info. No photos, no updates - nothing.
Recently she came around the family begging for money. She is now facing jail time for drugs and robbery. She was being evicted.
The one thing I actually respected of her thru all of these years is that she left us alone. She never tried to contact us at all.
BUT .....
All of a sudden she told 2 seperate family members within 3 weeks that she contacted MY Daughter on Facebook. She said that they were speaking, I found out, and I punished my daughter.
PROBLEM : IT NEVER HAPPENED!
I had a long long talk with my daughter, and not only did she never get contacted but she expressed how she never wants contact at all. She remembers all that she has been thru. SHe rembers all that I know plus everything that my sister WAS NOt Caught Doing.
These are not good memories.
So...... What can I do?
This was a closed Adoption. I live 1500 Miles away from her and she is faceing jail time now. But I cannot put anything past her. She has nothing to lose.
But what is really bothering me is I dont know why she is Lying about this? Why such an elabrite lie? She is a Pathalogical liar, but she has recognized all the damage she has caused in the past and I cant believe that she is dragging this little girl thru this all over again.
Any Feedback?
Well I hate to say this but you need to make very specific boundaries ASAP. We had to cut off contact from biomom (hubbys half sister) due to drug use (on and off) and her choices to call our daughter and discuss her arrests, drug use, etc...It was way too emotional for our daughter. Her biomom tries on numerous times to be my friend on FB and for that I won't allow our daughter to have a FB account. She tries to go thru me to get info on her daughter, and mostly only when she is feeling down (her birthday or our daughters birthday in particular) and it never turns out positive. She very narcasisstic so we have nothing to do with her. I gave her a chance to be adult about it all...by allowing phone calls during special occasions but they all turned into her stories about her life and nothing about how is our daughter doing, etc..always prying for information or looking for sympathy from a child.
If you don't feel it's positive for your child to have contact then I would not allow it. You can allow it later on if you feel circumstances change. I won't allow it til our daughter is 18 anyways. I gave biomom 3 chances and she bombed them all! She now sends me messages stating I am messing up our daughters life, blah blah blah...never once thanking us for picking up her daughter and raising her with stability and a drug free life. I can't handle the drama let alone our now 12 yr old daughter. I don't speak bad of her biomom..just tell her that her biomom made terrible choices and that is why we are taking care of her. It's so sad when adults can't put their children first. Sometimes we have to protect our children if need be. I want our daughter to know what a stable, loving home free from drug use is. Biomom thinks I am the one messing up our daughter life by not allowing contact. I know when our daughter is 18 she will have full access to the entire CPS file and anything relating to her adoption with us. Until then all I do is answer her questions honestly and never speak bad about her biomom. I make biomom into an example of what not to do (choices-we speak of them alot) and what path/choice to take later on in life.
Biodad is in prison for shooting at a police officer and having a gun as a felon. It's just not good for her to have any contact with him either. Both bioparents made a bunch of wrong choices in regards to our daughter (bioparents fled to mexico to skip out on parole). I just don't trust either of them. If you feel it's not safe for contact then go with your guy instinct. I won't even let biograndma (paternal) see her because she makes excuses for her son being in prison.
Hang in there...and lay down the rules if need be and stick to them. I don't know how old your daughter is?? I would never allow our 12 yr old to be on FB. It's just not safe for her.
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RusticBliss
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MY family (For some unknown reason) Still speaks to my sister. I have learned that I cannot control what other people do - I can only protect my family. I have asked all members not to give any info. No photos, no updates - nothing.
I agree with you that it is entirely your call on any updates, photos, ect. and not your relatives place to do it-especially behind your back. But in my relative adoption, i have one or two ppl who will give your info to birthmom if she approaches them. :hissy: They say they feel sorry for her and was just trying to make her feel better. Meanwhile, birthmom uses the info to turn it into something that it wasn't, causing disagreements. It has caused me to give very little info to my relatives anymore so they're not in the middle of it. We still have positive relationships, but my son's details are off limits.
That being said, i am guessing your sister realizes that she is headed for prison again, and by the time she gets out, your daughter my be very close to age 18. If she had some kind of positive contact with your daughter now, it could give her hope that there could be some kind of relationship through letters while in prison, and progress into something more when she gets out. Maybe that's what your sister is hoping for?
WOW, your story is so similar to mine. I am the oldest and 10 years older then my sister. She too is involved with drugs and had her rights terminated and I adopted my daughter after she became a ward of the state. She lived with me from birth and the adoption was finally finalized at almost two years. Some of my extended family still associates with her and we do not at all. My immediate family and our other siblings do not have any contact with her. However, I am concerned family are giving her information, pictures, etc. I have a problem with this and feel if these family members can not respect my requests I will have to stop associating with them as well. I am VERY concerned about future attempts to make contact by my sister over facebook. Even through placement, termination of rights, and adoption she continued to trash me verbally to family and lash out at me for caring for "her" child. She is angry and I get that. But if it were not for me and family, MY daughter would be in foster care and no family would no where she is. I want to protect her from her bio-mom, and I am sure you do too. It sounds like you have put all the limits in place and made expectations clear to your daughter and your family and that is all you can do. Your daughter's recollection of past is events is both a blessing and a curse. It is a shame she has to remember your sister like that, yet that memory will help mold and shape her into the person she wants to be instead of what was modeled for her at such a young age. Hang in there! I am sure the issue of "contact" may come up again as your daughter gets older, but maybe not. I can only hope my daughter wont want to "see for herself" the things about my sister and desire contact. Your daughters negative memories of her mother may prevent this from being an issue again. best of luck!!!
I'll going through a similar situation except our adoption was open. It sounds like you have a very open relationship with your daughter. I would just reiterate to family members not to give out information and keep talking with your daughter. Tell her to let you know if bio mom contacts her. As far as your sister'a motivation, kinkiness or lack of control. Maybe just realizing everything she have up. I would not worry about it and just keep focusing on you wonderful family.
Your daughter sounds amazing
As for her BM.. it sounds like she's trying to make herself, and her role in your DDs life.. sound better when speaking to your relatives.
Addicts manipulate. Its super hard not to get sucked in, especially when the rest of the family keep trying to pull you in.
As Hkolln put it .. its time for even firmer boundaries. When a family member attempts to "help" by telling you what BM said, thank them but move on.
In my family, there are people who I swear, get off on talking about how bad DD's BM is. In some ways, there as bad as the addict. I've stopped speaking to them about DD's BM. It only goes to a bad place
I'm glad you were able to talk about this with your DD. She sounds quite level headed
Hang in there
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