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We adopted from foster care. Our children's birth parents were not involved / in prison, so we have never met them. The only contact we have had was letters I would send the CW monthly to forward to the birth parents. Biomom would send letters to the kids, but nothing to me.
We have now finalized the adoption, changed middle/last names, and are finishing changing everything in the computers. I finally got DCS SW to give me contact information for biomom. I would like to be able to keep in touch with her via letters (although probably not as often as before) and photos and see how things go with AD and AS before considering other types of contact.
Any recommendations for how to broach this type of relationship? Especially since it is post adoption... technically the adoption is closed, but DH and I would like to keep in some contact as we know there will be questions as they get older. Thanks!
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How much longer do the birth parents have in jail?
If you feel comfortable sending updates then I think it's a great idea. It's something your already accustomed to doing and it leaves that door open for future questions or contact if the kids need it.
I would just let them know that the adotion is officially closed which means they are not allowed to have contact in any way that you have not approved first. I would tell them what you would like to do as far as contact and let them know that there are no "promises" of contact and that you will only keep sending updates/letters and recieving them as long as you feel it is in the childs best interest. I wouldn't mention anything about opening communication more or having more contact at this time. If years down the road you would liek to have more communication than you originally planned I would bring it up then.
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With our girls it has worked very will. At first we limited letters because it took a while (a few years) for birth mom to realize that this was a forever situation and that she would not ever be getting the girls back. Once it finally sunck in and she had time to mourn and heal her wording and "tone" in her letters totally changed. After that we exchanged email and that probed to better a much easier was to stay in touch. Now we have actually seen her twice and both times she has been great. Totally appropriate and cooperative in all the things I asked her not to talk about. She has made some huge changed in her life for the better and I am really glad that we maintained contact with her through the times that were hard. If we lived closer to her we would probably visit more often but as it is, once a year works best. Our girls are blessed to be able to have this type of relationship with their birth mom.
My advice is to take it slow, don't rush things. It may be a while before she is ready and able to form a positive relationship with you.
I would highly recommend a po box for "letters" after the adoption or get letters via email. I recently set up an email account for my STBAD, so that her and her mother will be able to exchange photos etc as she grows up with me being able to make the determination how much how often and when it's appropriate to make the change.
I have a completely open relationship with the kids birthmother, a relative. The relationship with the kids birthfather is similar to what you are considering. My kids birthfather is very troubled and I really don't think face to face contact is a good idea at this time. I send him twice a year updates with pictures. In my case, I use my home address since he already know who we are. If it was a different situation I would use a PO Box for communication. I feel like it will be a good idea to keep in contact with him through the years in case the kids have any questions. If he changes his life, I would consider visits. My stipulation is that he keep me informed to his mailing address.
He has never reciprocated. It makes me sad. The only time I have heard from him is two phone calls both on his son's birthday. (but not his baby girl. :( )