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First off, I would like to apologize to those of you who tried to warn me when I first found this site and wasn't ready to listen. 6 months ago we were matched with a 10 year old little girl who was getting ready to go thru TPR and her current foster parents were not interested in adopting her. Our local DSS demonized the parents to us and provided us with very little info. The foster parents tried to warn us and when I asked my case worker about the RAD, ODD and eating disorder, we were told if those diagnoses existed, my case worker was unaware. They said the parents had emotionally shut down and we believed them from what we were seeing. We were also newly licensed and not at all understanding RAD.
I noticed early on that her therapist and gp seemed to be withholding information but asking lots of questions. I would ask questions but feel like I was talking to a brick wall. 2 months in, our FD accused me of inappropriately touching her, claims were found to be unsubstantiated. 3 months in her therapist slid a piece of paper across the table during a session and said this is what we are working on, can you sign this? It said, ODD, bi-polar disorder, attachment disorder, but we had never discussed this prior.
Fast forward to now, my family is in chaos, my son is isolating in his room and I have hit my breaking point. We asked for the placement to end at the end of March and were asked could we make it to the end of the school year? Then we waffled in April, realizing the next family may not be prepared either, we questioned if maybe we could make it. We quickly realized that we can't, and with the end of school fast approaching all we have now is a respite set up fpr the weekend before school ends with someone who MIGHT be interested... So, this morning I reached out to her former foster mom who was very sweet and took a long time to talk to me. I found out that not one, but three psychiatrists diagnosed her with RAD until DSS went and found a neuropsychologist who disagreed and this was the only file we were given at placement. I am just curious when DSS holds the child's medical confidentiality, can they issue gag orders to her providers? It just seems so ridiculous that no one would share any of this when it is not in the child's best interest. I understand RAD is a damaging label that makes children hard to place. We have contacted a lawyer and are trying to find out what our rights to access that info are. Any experiences or knowledge of how this works would be so helpful and thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.
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We were all naive once. It is not necessarily a bad thing.
My understanding is this: as a PAP you should have access to all records. Gag orders come from judges and are not used to limit info to prospective parents. If ffm has names of past p-docs and you have placement of the child, you may be able to get records just by having your present p-doc request them. It would be the same as any record request i would think.
I would call my attorney to be sure.
I would also give written notice to the agency that you want her moved as per your agreement on whatever date the last day of school is. There is a time limit for them, but they won't tell you that.
Full disclosure for us happened AFTER the TPR and they may be waiting on that. But you really cannot wait. You do not deserve to sacrifice your family. Be firm. We all have a limit and you have reached yours.
Thanks, I did not know about the time limit. They are in the process of circling the wagons. Our new therapist called them today to talk about her diagnosis before he knew abut my discussion with her former foster mom. Our fd's case worker told the therapist they needed to be very careful how he worded his diagnosis. Then they called us right after contact with him to tell us, "surprise, surprise, we are having respite this weekend", hmmmmm. We also looked at the foster parents bill of rights in our state and will be talking to a different lawyer suggested by her therapist(he handles disability law cases)tomorrow. In all of this we have told DSS we want to make her transition as easy as possible, even willing to do respite for her and maintain an active role in her life if her PAPs are okay with that. They have given us no guidance and now we have a sleepover this weekend. Stunned and not sure how to begin the talk with a 10 year old. What do I say to her? This should probably be a different thread altogether.:thanks:
We've BTDT...only our realization of fraud (by not disclosing all the info CPS had) wasn't found out until AFTER finalization. Even a top CPS worker said to us (a couple of years later), 'My G--, do you have any idea what kind of a lawsuit you have here?!?!?!?!"
We never took CPS to court; though we started to. Instead, when we tried, we were told by a person involved with the legal system (not our attorney) that should our case go into court, CPS would blackball us for any future adoptions! (We had only filed at this time.)
I believe it's FEDERAL LAW, that the system must supply ALL documentation about any child to the prospective adoptive parents. However, your situation isn't uncommon. Clearly, the system is out to place children to unburden their caseloads; NOT to find the best home for any particular child.
I'm glad you're talking with an attorney. I hope you follow through with having this child moved from your home. This isn't any way to raise a family; much less help any child who needs help. Everyone in a family deserves to feel safe and secure. Too often when RAD children are in the home, safety is a thing of the past.
My best to you.....
Most Sincerely,
Linny
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I am very sorry you went through this. The truth is they tricked you plain and simple. Its totally unethical and not fair to the kids, how can you help a kid heal if you are not told the true diagnosis? I don't have any advice for you now, but I do want to ask you something. I went back and read some of your old posts and the responses including one from me. I just am wondering if there was anything we could have said to you that would have helped? I wish I could believe that you will be the last to come here with this same story, but sadly you will not be. Others will come. I always feel terrible when I try to warn someone, I wonder if maybe this time the kid really is just fine and the diagnosis are wrong, but having lived it, I can't not say anything and risk another family not being prepared to be hurt. So I say it but I feel like I am such a downer when I do and I feel like I am hurting these excited new parents. What advice do you have for us old timers for the next time someone comes and we can see the red flags that they cannot see?
My understanding is, at least in our state, a provider needs to receive a Release of Information in order to release any information to anyone other than the legal guardian of the child. In the case of kids who are in the foster care system, the legal guardian is DSS/DSHS and the foster parent is only a provider.
In my state, the only time you can get access to the child's entire file is just before you finalize. They don't allow you to copy or to take any of the documentation, you get a room and you can look at the information. At that time, the child has been in your care for a minimum of 6 months and you have already declared (and set up) your finalization.
I have been dying to respond all day to momraine's question. What could any of you done differently? Nothing. We didn't want to listen. We wanted to believe DSS and we did. We watched her current foster parents pick her up from two different respites and not hug or speak to her. Believing that they had emotionally shut down was easy to buy into. They read and tried to do it on their own. They asked for her to be put at treatment level so they could get more resources and the case worker told them since she had been in one home for so long, there was no reason for treatment level. They tried to help her, but without a team, it is hard. We didn't understand RAD. When we heard she had been great in school and camp, we thought "It can't be that bad". In retrospect, I just believe they weren't given the tools to find the right help. We have reached out many times. Told them we were hiding in the laundry room eating, my husband lost 10 lbs in a week at one point. I was and am very stressed. I kept saying things to them like"I don't know what I am seeing. My husband is being shut out, she is bossing my son around and touching him in a way that creeps me out." and over and over " I feel like I am doing battle" and "there is never going to be enough love, stuff, etc. to fill the void" the workers sat and listened and made no suggestions. Our training was in another county and we really bonded with the workers there. They are very progressive. We believed our county would be the same, but they are more old school. We have run into the workers who trained us since our placement and they were devastated. I like to think we have sought out every resource we could on our own. We have found the best therapists and have an appointment scheduled in May for FASD testing at a great facility. Now we are receiving radio silence. Our workers are shutting us out. We have been advised by our almost lawyer that they may not plan on her coming back from the respite this weekend. The new family again knows nothing and hasn't even called us. We tried to cancel it today, just found out yesterday and both our worker and her case worker are gone until Monday. We have alerted her guidance counselor who is on our side in case someone shows up at school to take her and plan on disappearing for the weekend. The lawyer said this was legal as long as we don't leave the county. We have found out that in our state, prospective adoptive parents have the right to the files. We should be considered this because we signed a legal agreement with her birth parents when they TPR'd. We have a copy of this paper. There have also been at least two court dates since then which were accidentally mentioned by her CASA. We are also supposed to have the right to know about these court dates, but have never been informed by DSS. At this point, I am starting to ramble, so overwhelmed today, so I will end it here. :confused: :confused: :confused:
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I'm not sure what they will say/have said. I am sure it will be similar to what we heard. I just had a very good conversation with her CASA. I kept it light. She was asking to see our FD tomorrow or Saturday. I picked tomorrow and told her we would do something earlier, i.e. Pick her up from school and she is going on an activity so she won't be home if someone shows up to take her. My husband is terrified of staying here but I think if they try to take her, it will look really bad on their part. Any advice there?
Her CASA finally asked what the issues were besides having problems with homework. I know we were doing battle one time over homework, but I thought DSS would have shared more. She said "I understand you are not going to adopt?" I filled her in(light-heartedly) about all of the issues. She said, "I thought the former foster parents were exaggerating" I told her about the new therapist and how good he was and how we were being told to find someone else soon that was covered. She asked if I was having issues getting help and responses from DSS and indicated that was the case with her former family. I again kept it light and really gave no direct response, just saying both her case worker and ours are out of the office until Monday. I told her about the respite and that we are canceling if we hear from someone because we haven't had time to prepare our FD and worry she would think she did something bad. I so hope I am wrong about what is coming tomorrow.
I don't know about playing games over the respite. As far as it is, in legal terms this isn't your child....it could backfire on you especially since its out there on the internet that its intentional. Plus in practical terms if it turns out this home is capable of handling the child, and you keep the child from going there, will the space be open later? I know one now experienced foster family that mainly does teens. They can handle issues. Me, I want ever scrap of information before a child comes to me, but they don't. Their (successful) approach is to just take the child that walks through the door and deal. They wouldn't call a former family, and would even end a conversation that might lead to a discussion of prior behaviors. Again, not the approach I take, but the proof that it works for them is the number of happy, moving towards healthy kids they've had.
But I would suggest writting out a full documentation fo the behaviors you've experienced. Be detailed and factual about her behaviors (not DSS' failings). Give a copy to all involved parties--the CW, the DSS office itself, the CASA. That way, there is at least documentation in the file.
I just found out recently that such documentation is finally--almost a year and a half later--being used to get a former fson appropriate care.
ladyjubilee
....But I would suggest writting out a full documentation fo the behaviors you've experienced. Be detailed and factual about her behaviors (not DSS' failings). Give a copy to all involved parties--the CW, the DSS office itself, the CASA. That way, there is at least documentation in the file.
I just found out recently that such documentation is finally--almost a year and a half later--being used to get a former fson appropriate care.
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Thank you for th ideas and practical perspectives. We plan on documenting and asking them to remove her by when they promised. We didn't leave and no one came. We aren't trying to stop the transition, just didn't want to traumatize her by a respite without warning. We didn't mention it because we hadn't heard from the other family and are now glad because they never called. We just want to help her transition without causing more damage. She does not want to leave here. She thinks it's all good. Think I need to start a new post for advice on that subject We called a third worker on Friday and all of their voicemails said out of office until today. Guessing there was some type of training, not sure at this point. just so glad this forum is here