Mom concerned about daughter- long

TrueBlue72,Aww.. I'll be praying for y'all. She can send one brief message to her bfather and ask that he give her some time to think about things but ask him to give her some respect and not to contact her again. She can either decide when to send him a message after graduation. As long as her page is not open to the public, he can't find out where she's going to college. I don't know if any of that makes sense or helps. Cakelady1975

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Unfortunately, you broke one cardinal rule, and that is keeping secrets about adoption from your children. It would have been a good idea to tell your oldest daughter much earlier that she has a birthfather, but that your husband is her "forever Dad". If, as a younger child, she had asked, "Why can't I see my birthfather?" you could have told her that he made some bad decisions in his life, such as using drugs and hitting people, and that you and her Dad made the decision that it would not be safe for you to be around him. And her younger siblings should also have been told that she has a birthfather, so that they would not find the fact out accidentally -- for example, on the Internet. Your daughter's birthfather actually behaved well over the past several years, by not attempting to see his minor birthchild. He waited until she turned 18 to make contact. Now that your daughter is a legal adult, she can decide whether or not to allow further contact. She can start by politely setting limits in an email. This can include asking him to allow her to use Facebook for communicating with other young people, and not for communicating with adults, including her birthfather. She might want to set up a specific email address for his use and no one else's, and suggest that he use it. Then he can contact her if he wishes, but she doesn't have to read the emails if she doesn't want to, and will have a written record if the time ever comes when she will need to get a restraining order against him because he starts sending repeated threatening emails. She may also suggest that, for a while, contact be limited to a phone call every few months, since she isn't ready to have her birthfather as an active participant in her life. See what happens. At least for a while, knowing that her birthfather is starting behavior that looks suspiciously like stalking, you might suggest that your daughter get off Facebook and other social networking sites and get a new email address for friends and family to use. It's not fair, but it's a good way to keep potentially dangerous people from finding out too much about her. Have her stop blogging and stop posting to Internet chats. If her birthfather shows up at her graduation, attempt, initially, to treat him with respect. Thank him for thinking of his birth child on her special day. After all, he IS the birthfather, however bad at parenting he is. Don't make a fuss if he just sits down somewhere with his other family members and watches the event. But don't feel that you have to invite him to a family celebration afterwards, unless your daughter insists. Suggest that your daughter prepare her closest friends for the fact that her birthfather may choose to attend the ceremony. She does not have to keep the fact of her adoption by her Dad a secret. In this day and age, many kids have siblings by a parent's previous marriage or relationship. Prepare your other children for the possibility that he will be there, and be prepared to introduce him as the birthfather, if he behaves himself and does not intrude too much on your daughter's special day. However, make sure they understand that you chose not to live with him, and instead to be with their father, because her birthfather sometimes behaved badly, and that you and your husband will always protect your family if he ever acts inappropriately. If your daughter's birthfather makes a scene, is verbally or physically confrontational, is clearly under the influence of drugs or alcohol, etc., call Security or the police. Make sure that the responding officers know that he has no parental rights and that he has a history of violence, drug use, etc. Also make sure that they know that he has begun engaging in behaviors that are suggestive of stalking. He will generally be escorted out. Police and security officers are parents, too, and they won't want to see a child's graduation spoiled by some jackass who is acting less mature than the graduates. If disruptive behavior happens, you may want to talk to a lawyer about measures that can be taken to protect your daughter from her birthfather in the future, if they become necessary. Because your daughter will be a legal adult, she will have to ask for the issuance of any restraining order, or approve of any other measures suggested by the lawyer. But if you both discover that he's showing up at places where she is, such as the college she will be attending, that is exactly what should be done. Also, you violated the law when you ran away with your child, in defiance of a visitation agreement. It was wrong, but understandable. And you also violated the law when you paid a financial inducement to the birthfather, so that he would relinquish parental rights. But clearly, the judge accepted what was done, since he did terminate those rights, and since your husband was allowed to adopt your daughter. Do NOT let the birthfather lay a guilt trip on you for what you did, and do not let him make these actions a part of discussions with police, lawyers, etc. Make sure that everyone knows that you did what was in the best interests of your child. And while you should have talked about your child's birthfather with her earlier, you certainly did nothing to prejudice her against him. Any decisions she makes now should be clearly about how he behaves now. He cannot expect her to see him as a father; she has one of those, who has been, in law and in behavior, a father in every way. But if he acts like a decent human being, and respects his daughter's feelings and wishes, she may be willing, in time, to allow some contact. Sharon

Yes! Poor girl. Graduating high school and finding her "father" isn't her real (bio)father in one week. Sheesh. I feel sorry that the 18 year old doesn't know, and her siblings don't know she's adopted. Sooner or lately the siblings will find out or figure it out, and it might not be in the most ideal setting. People find out they're adopted eventually, and telling them should be done before they're an adult at least. Her seeing his FB photo is the least of the problems here. She didn't even know she was adopted.. at 18! (!!!!!) It's not like you can go back in time and tell her earlier, so there's nothing you can do to lessen the blow of you waiting until she was 18 to tell her. Maybe the excitement of her graduating will be enough to distract her from the shock of it all. It's up to her if she decides to be friends with he and his 13 year old. It would probably be easier on her if she set social sites to private and so forth and doesn't post public photos/locations to FourSquare, Facebook, Twitter, etc. I wouldn't even add my college info to FB if I was her if this guy still seems off. You haven't heard from the guy in nearly 18 years, it sounds like, so hopefully he's shaped up since then. The guy admittedly sounds creepy for contacting you at work. Did you tell him you worked there? He does have a 13 year old, so that makes him sound a little less weird. He did wait until she was 18, so maybe he's following etiquette more than you think-- or less. I'm not saying you shouldn't be careful. Your daughter should be aware of what's ok behavior for this guy and what isn't. If they meet, I say... do it in public places. No unexpected dorm room visits, or whatever. If he shows up at places she's at uninvited, other than graduation or more public events, that would be creepy. I won't get into what the bio "dad's" past was, nor you violating visitation. I agree that if the bio "dad" starts harassing, stalking, or makes a scene at graduation or elsewhere, document it and call security. He's her bio "dad," yes, but she doesn't want drunks or psychotic people around her. I feel sorry for her... she's 18 and graduating and getting ready to go out on her own. Now, all of a sudden, she's floored with the news that her dad isn't her bio dad. I hope the bio dad isn't creepy, and is a decent addiction-free decent person now. If not, make sure your family knows it's ok to call security and so on. Otherwise, it's her call as an adult whether she wants the relationship with him or not. Perhaps she could set boundaries with him if she wants a relationship. One e-mail or phone call per month, or something.