Faltering reunion: birthmom seeking advice from adoptees

I hope this is the right place to post. I am specifically looking for input from adoptees. I am a chronic overexplainer so I apologize if this is long. I have two children I placed for adoption in the same family. My son J is 20 and my daughter A (who is the full sibling of my parented daughters) just turned 19. Despite it being a closed adoption we did maintain a good amount of contact through the agency. Around 8 years ago their mom said she was sure the children were going to seek reunion when they were older. Over time more information was shared and it seemed that reunion would happen sooner than later. I registered but J's 18th birthday didn't bring a match. I wasn't particularly concerned as I assumed they had probably decided to wait for A to turn 18 as well. Four months before her 18th birthday A sent me a lovely scrapbook she had made to introduce herself and a letter that shared she was sending in her registry paperwork with her package. The letter their mom sent at that time only briefly referred to J.It seemed A was more interested in contact than J. I was resigned to that and had even referred to it in at least one letter to their mom. So I was very surprised when the time came to meet A and her mom last summer to learn that when J learned of their plans at the last minute (he had been out of the country) he immediately wanted to be included and was very upset to not get to come along. Their mom profusely apologized for having misread his feelings and said she had thought reunion was still a "someday" thing but apparently he was waiting for his sister to be ready. She gave me his cell number (with his permission), assured me he always had his phone with him and encouraged me to text/call. I texted first and a reasonable conversation started. When I suggested talking on the phone he preferred to keep to text. We became friends on Facebook. We texted and chatted in bursts. He assured me that he could not imagine not wanting to meet me and "my little sisters." He said it was just a matter of time since he was in college and working. Despite that initial great start our contact was sporadic. The first couple of months there would at least be a few extended texting conversations every month. He asked a lot of questions about me, what I studied in school etc. None about his birthfather and none about the circumstances of placement. Then it started to trail off. Meanwhile reunion with A was going swimmingly. Our first visit was three days long. The first two with just me and then on the third day she met her sisters. We would chat on Skype fairly regularly.She was having trouble adjusting to college out of state and was homesick so we offered to go visit her. Perhaps coincidentally it seemed that after I posted pics from that visit I heard from J less often. I worried that perhaps he was jealous or felt left out. I had previously indicated being willing to come to him, that we did not need to wait until he could come to me, when I noticed he seemed to have gone radio silent I sent him a message asking how he was doing and again offering to visit. He did not respond to that message at all. I would still occasionally hear from him or he would sometimes respond if I texted him casually about say college football but it was sporadic and if at any time I ever made any reference at all to even considering a visit the texting would end even though I would couch it by saying "I totally understand if you're not ready but have you given any thought to whether you'd like me to come up at the end of the semester." I think I mentioned it once in an email and once in a text a month later. This was not persistent by any stretch.Finally in early December my husband left me very suddenly and J and his girlfriend broke up very suddenly. We had a very good text conversation about that and for a while I heard from him more often. I thought that not unlike many 19 year old boys he was too caught up in his GF to give much attention to anyone else and now they had broken up he had more attention to spare. (Their mom complained that even though he lived at home they never saw him.) I sent him a small Christmas gift based from something he mentioned during that conversation and he enthusiastically thanked me when he opened it. Meanwhile A came for a visit for almost a week just before Christmas. She mentioned that apparently J and his GF were already back together (ah to be 19 again!). While A was visiting she mentioned J could blow hot and cold--be very enthusiastic and then just drop something. I wasn't sure how I should take that as they are only 15 months apart in age and very different and there was clearly sibling rivalry. We had a few bumps between her and my much younger children who were in emotional upheaval over their stepfather leaving, but all in all it was pretty good. I went into the New Year feeling good about how things were developing.So then NYE their mom emails me to let me know that J was marrying his GF the next day because a short time ago they had discovered she was 18 weeks pregnant. This was the cause of their getting back together. It was a shock and I wasn't exactly sure how to handle the info since he wasn't telling me himself and I wasn't sure what he knew I knew. I wrote back to ask that but she never responded (she does not email much). So a few days later (after pics were posted on FB) I texted congratulating him and we briefly chatted. A few days after that I received a FB message from his biodad responding to a message I had sent him some time before asking if he was interested in contact with J. He said yes. I texted J to ask if he wanted bdad's info. He said yes. I gave it to him. He said thanks. And that was it. That was January 10th.Since then his birthday was in late January. I sent him a text wishing him happy birthday and received no response. Ditto for my birthday post on his wall (one of very many). I sent a text in late February just saying hi and that I hoped they were well. I sent a text on Easter Sunday wishing them happy Easter and that I hoped they were well and that they must be excited that it was so near the time for their baby's arrival. I received no responses to any of that.We would very occasionally interact on FB through liking a picture or a comment on a link but all superficial stuff. I wasn't really sure what to do next. Did I keep sending messages with no responses or just give up or what. I assumed that probably due to his impending fatherhood he was just too busy/overwhelmed to make contact. Then a couple of weeks ago he made a post that tagged his biodad and made a reference to talking about it in their video chats. That was a hit to the gut. They'd had no contact for 20 years but bdad had apparently made more progress in just a month or two than I had in almost a year after having stayed in contact for 20 years. Then last night when I went to see if there were any pregnancy updates on FB I realized I could no longer see any of his status updates or tagged photos of him. I am still technically his friend, but I may as well not be because I can see nothing. People who are not friends with him can see more than me now because he has almost no privacy settings to the public.FWIW last week was A's birthday and the girls and I sent her a package and I posted on her FB wall (as I did his). We are planning to see each other in July. I know that I could still see his profile the day after her birthday but then something changed. I am at a total loss. Do I finally acknowledge the elephant in the room and say "I'm a little confused because you started out by telling me that you were very interested in meeting us but now you're not only not responding to my attempts at contact but you've pretty much blocked my access to even passively see what's going on in your life. Did I do something?" Do I write and just say "I know you have a lot going on in your life and obviously at this time you're not ready to have contact. I will respect your decision and stop trying to contact you. Please know my door is always open if you ever feel differently." Do I do absolutely nothing and just wait and see what if anything happens?I just have no idea what on earth is happening. I have all sorts of theories ranging from his biodad said something bad about me to he's jealous that we have more contact with A than him or if it's to do with coping with his own unexpected impending fatherhood. I know their brother (also adopted but not my child) had a somewhat rough and sudden reunion with his birthfamily last fall and that his finacee and birthmom in particular did not get along well at all. Financee very much resented bmom. I know that fiancee and J's now wife are close so I don't know if that bad experience has led his wife to encourage him away from contact. I only know that while sporadic there was at least some contact in the fall and then nothing and now total closing off.Before reunion I read so much on these forums from adoptees about wanting to feel the birthparents were interested and I have tried really hard to keep throwing out the feelers without pestering. Even now I worry that what he really wants is for me to say "Why are you withdrawing?" because he thinks I don't care about him as much as A. I just don't want to make this situation worse by either action or inaction. I also recognize it's entirely possible he rushed into the idea of reunion in part in rivalry with A without thinking it through and then regretted it and instead of just saying that he's been slowly easing out the door. There may be no big deep reason. But any input adoptees could give about what they would want me to do next in this situation would be greatly appreciated. It is very hard to be dealing with one reunion that has yielded more fulfillment than I dared to hope for and then one that has been so baffling especially because they are both in the same household. And unfortunately because I took him at his word when he swore he couldn't wait to meet us I am now dealing with a 7 year old and 9 year old who don't understand why we can't at least Skype with him and who can't wait to meet his baby which seems very unlikely they will get to do.Thanks and again I apologize for the length. I wanted to give the full picture!