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First I will say that I did not give my daughter up for adoption. I had a lengthy long distance relationship with her mother while she was separated from her husband and getting a divorce. She was supposedly madly in love with me until I lost my job early in the pregnancy and then she stayed married. They have made her husband the legal father of my daughter against my wishes to have a parenting plan and pay child support.
My ex said she doesn't want to deal with a permanent connection but is willing to treat it like an open adoption where I can visit and she will send me pictures. The problem is that this was not my decision. I wanted to raise our daughter together. I'm not in a financial position to change this because I live so far away so I have to move on with my life or accept an extremely marginalized role that can be cut at anytime. I have this nagging suspicion that my daughter will grow up to think I'm the man who doesn't care about her as much as her legal father because she lives with them and he has all the rights and responsibilities. I think it's wonderful that he treats her with love and care but this man wanted my daughter to be aborted and is only raising her because he wanted to keep his wife.
The last thing I want to do is to put her in a situation where the adults in her life are bitter towards each other so I have been trying my hardest to let go of the anger and hurt I'm experiencing over this. But my ex says things like -- "you have not contributed one cent for daycare, food, medical expenses", "I don't know what type of relationship you think you're going to have from all the way out there". "Haven't you heard of stranger anxiety? You can't just pop up whenever you want".
I'm getting the feeling that the more I suffer, the more it enables them to prove their loyalty to each other. Not exactly an ideal situation for "open adoptions".
Do you think it's possible that I can be any sort of positive influence in my daughter's life? How would I communicate this to her from so far away? How does the relationship between child and birth parent work in these situations? What is she supposed to call me?
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SadBioFather,First, let me say that I applaud you for your desire to parent your child. It seems that far too often fathers choose to drop out of a child's life rather than face the difficult circumstances and choices so many have to make. I hope you realize that your ex's husband's feelings about your child almost certainly changed over time - and not just because of his wife. Children are easy to love. The fact of the matter is that you would likely face many of the same choices right now even if your ex had not stayed with her husband, so it might be helpful to at least try to remove that circumstance from the list of practical questions you need to ask yourself now. These are questions like, "Am I willing to go to court to secure my parental rights and visitation in a way that is in the best interests of my child?", and "Am I willing to commit some portion of my income to this child every month for the next 18 - 20 years?", and "Am I willing to save every penny so that I can meet my visitation commitments to my child for the next 18 - 20 years?".If the answer to all of these questions is an unequivocal yes then you've got a lot of work ahead of you, and it's time to get busy. Talk to every government agency you can until you find one that can help you engage a qualified attorney (hopefully at no or very minimal cost) to help you. If you don't make enough money right now, go get a 2nd (or 3rd) job. Learn all you can about long distance parenting. Become an expert on your situation!If the answer to any of those questions is "no", then try to think through specifically what type of commitment you are offering to make to your child. I don't think it would mean you are a "bad" father - and I strongly believe accurate expectations backed up by love and at least some form of reliable contact are better than no contact at all.I'm sorry you've been placed in such a difficult situation and that so much of it feels out of reach and out of your control. Focus on what you can control about your own life and what you are offering your child - then set realistic expectations and meet them, every time. As time goes by, what you can provide will likely increase. Dedicate yourself to providing for and meeting the commitments you make to your child, and you will not only give yourself the basis for the relationship you seek, but grow and become an even better father in the process.
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I have a unique situation. Mother was unfit, I received baby as biofather in 2003,I then asked my mother to assist with the baby,while I was doing the court requests , (parenting classes etc.), and working full-time , she did more then that, she saw a chance to get money out of it, $ 1,150.00 per month benefits for 9 yrs. I have had him for the last two years full time with her concent, and weekends before that, now she doesnt want me to have him in fear of losing her income from the boy's benefits, When he was a baby I had my employment garnished for child support, as I was helping with him anyway..she took it all the way to adoption with sealed records, She really did her homework. unfortunatly, , she was able to manipulate the court system and social workers and my incoming mail to keep me out of the loop, and they bought it and let her adopt, without checking if my signature was valid. unbelievable isnt it !! now what can I do, my son does not want to go with her. (I married the bio-mom in 2009, but she passed away in 2010 from a negletive surgeon). sad dad. ps .( I cannot afford a $5000 attornney to overturn this)
From an adult who was a step parent adoptee-
If you want to know your daughter and do your part financially and relationally for her, get a paternity test and get a lawyer.
These kind of mothers burn me up. You have a right to your daughter!! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and regain your rights and a place in her life.