Are adoptee/birthparent bonds eventually stronger or weaker in open adoptions

I don't think there are many if any adoptees on here who had an open adoption. Openness takes some of the natural grief an adoptee will feel at different times throughout their life. Openness helps in self-identity and self-esteem development. Openness helps in having the ability to ask the questions to the right person. Etc... Openness from all accounts is hard work and ebbs and flows over time. Talk to AP's to get that aspect. Closed isn't all that it's cracked up to be either from the AP or adoptee perspective. When you child is grieving and YOU can't make it better that is going to hurt you too - because YOU want to be able to fix things but you can't fix that. When your child needs to know the answer to something and all you can say is I don't know it doesn't help either of you...etc... Closed isn't better when your child needs their tonsils out and the anesthiolgist (sp?) asks you if anyone in your (their) family has a hard time waking up after annesthia (sp?)...or when the doctor can't figure out what is wrong with your child and wants to know if any relatives have had similar symtoms or this disease or that disease...or when your child becomes an adult and the doctor asks her if early age breast cancer runs in her family as, if yes, she should be screened 10 years earlier the age of the person with the early age breast cancer...just to highlight just a few. As to your husband, if you adopt more than one - will either of them feel like the other stole their dad's affection from them? Love does not work that way - love expands and grows - it isn't jealous and closed... Adoptees have two sets of parents - that is what adoption is - how any adoptee will feel about either or both sets is up to the adoptee - we are all unique. Just because an adoption is closed does not mean the birth family isn't part of your consciousness either. To this day half a century later when mom thinks of any of our mothers - her face crumbles and tears stream because she feels the pain they went through and still go through loosing us... I don't know what you meant by post adoption environment - you are an adoptee for life - it isn't a one time event. Kind regards,Dickons

Sorry, I'm not an adoptee but I read your post and just wanted to encourage you to get a lot of education on open adoption so that you can make the best decision for everyone involved. I, personally, really got a lot out of a book called "The Children of Open Adoption," which was required reading at my agency. Maybe you can read a few books and possibly even consult with a therapist who specializes in adoption-related issues.One thing I would say is that I think any decision made out of fear and jealousy is likely to reap poor results - even if the same decision made out of love and security would have yielded positive ones. I hope your husband can work on these negative feelings - which are totally natural to have at this point - and work through them so that they will not affect your decision-making process or your parenting.In general I think that parents - whether biological or adoptive - who hold on tight and feel a need to be loved the most and are threatened by others who their children may love are actually going to produce opposite reactions in their children than the ones they seek. I'm reminded of my high-school boyfriend's mother who was jealous of how he loved me and worked hard to keep us apart and "win." Well, of course that only pushed her son away.Just some food for thought. And, I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter. HUGS to you both and good luck on your adoption journey!

Words are important. If you choose to become an adoptive parent, I would suggest choosing your words a bit more carefully when speaking with your child about adoption issues. "Desensitize" is not a word that I would choose to use about a child's feelings about his or her biological parents. Since you are asking adoptees about our perspective, I assume you were raised by your biological parents. Did seeing them every day desensitize you to them? We adoptees do come with a built-in heritage, built-in talents, built-in interests, etc. Look at it this way: If you and your husband had a chance to meet the biological children that you wanted but couldn't have would you want to do that? And, how upset were you when you found out that the two of you couldn't have any biological children? If you're anything like many other adoptive parents, it was one of the most painful times in your life. Ask yourself why it was so painful? If biology and heritage don't matter then it would seem to me that not being able to have one's own children would not be so painful. So, why are we asking children to nullify their feelings about biology when to almost everyone else it is so clearly important? If you adopt this child, you need to be open to her pain and willing to talk to her about her adoption issues. Things will come up. She will need to know that you are there to support her.

As a Birthmother recently united /wher daughter..I thank you for your reply.. Your words were very poignant & so true. Environment is a very strong, important factor to every child--Biological or Adoptee.. But as you pointed out so is Heritage, Genes, etc..a lot of "Built Ins".. that cannot be ignored. My daughter has a as she says "very nice mix of me & her B-Father"..but she also has a lot of my ways, expressions, sense of humor & more incl interests... It's amazing. Yes, the Adoptive parents know when they see and hear her with such things that probably are so not either of them..but they loved her anyway. They are wanting to meet me & I them.. I'm so grateful God answered my prayers with her being raised in a loving supportive family. That certainly helps to ease the pain & loss. That little Texas girl will one day want to know but I highly recommend she be told when young. Why because I too am an Adoptee child-adult but didn't find out till 18 yrs old..I was so upset..the lies all those years. Like I was the "secret"... My daughter was told when very young "she's special..cause they chose her & God put her where she was meant to be".. so she was spared the add'l pain to later in life find out the "truth". If her B-father wants to see her years later, that should be up to her but be supportive of her. If not then if he truly loves her..he'll respect that & wait till she's ready. My adopted "dad" is my DAD.. he escorted me to the airport to meet my B-father when I was 28 yrs old.. he was a stranger that I was meeting..really knew nothing much of him..my mind had feeling knowing he's my Father..but he's NOT my DAD..he didn't raise me. So this woman's husband should understand that, he will be HER DAD & no one can take that away. He needs to be supportive when she does want to meet her B-father. I was glad to have met mine as it took away curosity & answered some questions but I was so glad to see MY DAD when I got home...:)) Let her ask questions as time goes by..be positive and if you dont know..get answers thru her 2nd cousin.. this child w/love them!!

Open adoption did not exist when I was adopted but I can share my experience of growing up in a closed adoption with an adoptive parent who was very threatened by my biological roots. My adoptive mum was very insecure and would cry and guilt trip me when I brought up being adopted and asked anything but the story of them bringing me home. It forced me to bury my feelings about adoption so when my half sister found me and I was reunited with my biological family, I suffered from huge amounts of anxiety and depression because I didn't know what to do with my desire to know them. If your husband cannot handle the idea of a child you adopt having love for her biological father, he needs to get counselling before you consider going ahead with adoption - if he can't stand the thought of you being impregnated with different sperm, how will he truly love a child that is not related to either of you? As L4R said, open adoption is not meant to be about desensitising the adoptee to their biological roots, it's meant to make it easier for them to integrate all of the parts of their self, their biology and their adoptedness. Open or closed, many adoptees I know feel the need to have their biological family in their life. We love our adoptive families but roots are important.

Galaxy....maybe the question should be...."Are adoptee/adoptive parents bonds stronger with open adoption?" I am an adoptive Mom and we opened up our adoption with our daughters birth Dad. I truly believe that if there is a healthy respectful relationship between the adults then the child is better off to have an open adoption if possible. I believe that if it is at all possible for the adults to address their own insecurities and pain and grief that all sides have and come together for the love of a child then open adoption can be one of the most special and beautiful relationships for both sets of parents and for the child. Imagine your child, loving Mommy and Daddy and Gramma and Grampa and Auntie and Uncle and Brother and Sister and Birth Dad/first Dad/natural Dad......why not? It doesn't have to be a tug of war - yes it can be but very often when Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents come together over the joy and love of their child.....there is nobody else in the world that you can share that special sense of pride and joy with. For us, we celebrate that....we celebrate that extra relationship and our daughter sees us celebrating together and she knows that it is HER that we celebrate. She knows that she is loved by all of us and that it doesn't take away from any of us. Like the previous poster said parents love more than one child...we don't ask our children to not love their siblings or their Gramps or their Aunties and Uncles...we don't make it an either/or and it doesn't have to be like that with adoption either. Take it slow, build a relationship, do not promise more than you can deliver in openness and remember that a lifetime evolves...there maybe be other children in the future for you and hubby but also for birth Dad....these are siblings that can also bring great joy. As I sit and write this today I am waiting for my Daughter's Birth Dad's other daughter to pack up her bag after spending the weekend with us....we love her too and she brings us great joy and laughter and love....we wouldn't have that and more importantly our Daughter wouldn't have that if we didn't take the opportunity to have an open adoption with her first Dad.