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I am currently fostering 2 kids 5 and 7 who's parents and brother are incarcerated. They have watched their brother go in and out of jail for a few years. Their parents however recently both were incarcerated and that was when the kids went into foster care. They are very confused on everything that is going on and unfortunately we don't have many answers. Books like Maybe Days and the Invisible string have seemed to help with the unanswered questions but they are now wondering even more about jail and think that their parents are going to die. Are there any good books out there to help explain this to them? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!
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Are they in local jail or prison? Some prisons have support groups and programs for inmates with children where they can interact with their parent in a more relaxed atmosphere. The way I explained to my son about his future siblings' mother is that she made some very bad choices and had to go to grownup timeout, which is essentially what jail is (he's 6).Why do they think their parents are going to die? If it's execution, you could explain that only people who kill others die in jail. Kids that age are very logical and understanding...at least mine is.
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They are in a local jail right now. They could be there for quite a while until they move to another facility if that even happens. I would like to use the bad choices but its a very controversal case and I can't really say bad choices. I've explained it just that they need help and that is where they have to go and there are some people who make bad choices and go there too but most people just need help like mom and dad. Their mom has been sick for quite a while and so between that and not seeing their parents they keep thinking their parents are going to die. I'm doing my best to reassure them however it doesn't seem to be enough coming just from me. I would love a support group for the boys, maybe the CW can help with that.
Thanks
We also call it "time out", to our 4 and 3 yo FSs. They don't know their one parent has been in and out of the local jail while they have been with us. However, if anyone ever mentioned it then they have an idea of what it is. "If you do something against the rules, then the police will put you into time out." but we also make sure they know that Police are "good guys". We once drove past a prison. When FS4 asked what it was, DH said that it was the time out place. FS was just fine with that answer.
From personal experience they know that eventually (when the timer goes off) time out is over. It isn't something permanant. This might be a good analogy for your FK.
We have two girls in concurent placement (foster to adopt). When there was hope we basically said that Mom and Dad are sick and need some help to get better, so they can take care of you.
Now we say that Mom and Dad couldn't get better and we will be their forever Mom and Dad.
Our 7 yo gets it, our 6 (was 5 when we moved towards adoption) still struggles with the concepts of it.
Generally we stay vague and let them stear how much additional clarity we give them.
It is so important to be clear, simple and honest with children and it sounds like that is exactly what you are trying to do
We brought our 3 yo FS to weekly non contact visits with his mom in jail. We first explained very simply that she would be behind a window and they would use a phone to talk. Then we role played it and talked about games they could play through the window... Like peek a boo.
He started asking about why she was in jail and we explained that just like children have rules to follow, adults have big rules called laws to keep us safe. If an adult does not follow the law, they go to jail to learn how to do better next time. I just wish this last part was true!
Anyway, hope this helps a little....visits are hard, but if you can do them...it really helps the kids to not feel as scared.
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