Adoptee 's Birthdays

Feb, I found your wording (specifically - your description of giving birth) in extremely poor taste. You have the right to your own feelings - but do you need to be derogatory in terminology? Dickons

I can identify with the previous poster about the 2nd birthday.......it always made me feel awkward...but that might have been the way it was handled by my parents. They werent really adoption sensitive lol. I love my birthday birthday though. For the previous poster, I get the sense its easier for you to describe your birth and your bio-mom in deragatory terms because it's much easier to be angry than to acknowlege the pain I know you feel right now. For the sake of argument, let's say your birthmother didnt and doesnt care at all. So what? In my opinion, you are giving her alot more power over your emotions than you should. I'm sure there are a lot of people in your life who are grateful and happy that she gave birth to you, and that you are alive.....and want to celebrate YOU. So, if bio-mom doesnt want to celebrate you, that is HER problem. Please dont let it consume you.

And to the OP, just because stuff happened before your birth or as a result of your birth, that is not YOUR fault.

You should celebrate your birthday..

i'm adopted, i have just had my 39th Birthday, and i have known my birth mother and sister about 9 years. Growing up, my birthday never seemed like a big deal, i was little to know why, and too little to care. Adopted people seem to handle birthdays in different ways. As an adult i can't stand my Birthday. I see a Birthday as a celebration as exactly that - a birth, and i see no reason to celebrate it. A point raised in an earlier reply was that of a seperate "special day" when adoptive parents got their child home. That day for me is December the 19th, and i get a text every year from Mum about it - and i love that. It means much more to me that that was the special day for my parents, i didn't understand this too much until i had my own children (my first blood relatives) then i was amazed that a couple such as my parents could take on another persons child, without any blood ties, and give such a loving and strong upbringing. So i like that day, it reminds me of my family, my mother, my father. My Birthday seems little to celebrate, i'd gladly move my birthday to the day i was brought home. that to me is worth so much more.

I'm an a-mom so maybe I just don't get it! But my son's birthday is and always will be about celebrating the birth of an amazing, intelligent, funny, handsome, happy little boy. He was prayed for. He was wanted. He is LOVED. Not about adoption. Not about her. Not about me. This is one reason we don't do a "gottcha day." I want my son to be a glass half full type of person and focus on the "Wow, so many people LOVE me" instead of the "wow, a few people couldn't keep me." I know many will say that I just don't get it. But I truly believe that adoptees get their views on this from the attitudes of their parents and family.

Good adoptive parents can help mitigate the pain from the loss. But, how we feel about the loss is probably far more complex than just how well our adoptive parents raised us. Having read many of your posts, you seem like a good mom. Therefore, I hope you will never voice the idea that "a few people couldn't keep me." It diminishes the truth of what happened. Both sides of our biological families lost out on knowing us, and we lost out on knowing them. That's more than a few people.

Do you realize that you just threw a whole bunch of adoptive parents under the bus - as a way to deny adoptees the right to their individual feelings...you would not feel any loss if your parents had parented you right... So is mourning the loss of my son wrong because so many people love me? Kind regards,Dickons

A Birthday is a "Gotcha day" though, it's the whole point, it's why parents celebrate their childs Birthday, and i understand it is important growing up to have Birthday parties etc etc. When i got to an age where i understood the emotions and the nature/nurture with adoption, only then did it become apparent that my day is the day my parents brought me home. I see more reason to raise a glass with my parents and family and friends about that than celebrating the day i was born. In essence thats when my life as i know it and recognise it began.

I think birthday's are really personal. My husband (who is not adopted) is not a big fan of celebrating his birthday. He doesn't want a party, or a lot of fuss. A card, dinner, is really all he wants. I sometimes think he'd be okay if I ignored his bday. His sister is really big into birthdays and parties. It's really just the difference in their personalities.For those who were adopted, of course there is an extra layer there that can affect how they view birthdays. I think that needs to be respected and accomodated. For my daughter, we did a big 1st birthday, but won't be doing that every year. We'll do more private celebrations as she grows. But ultimately, it will be up to her how we celebrate. As she gets older, if she wants the party, we'll try to do that. If she just wants to pick dinner for that day, that's fine too. If she decides she doesn't want anything, we will honor that too.I think the important thing about birthdays and celebrations is to honor the individual. That means honoring their wishes, their desires for that day even if it doesn't match our prefereneces. We don't have any plans to celebrate "gotcha day" although I can see how it might have meaning to some adoptees and their families. It doesn't make sense to us right now in our family. If my daughter indicates later that the day matters to her, we'll be happy to include that in our family traditions. But to the OP - I guess I'm just saying your feelings are valid. You need to do what works best for you and helps you the most. Whether you choose to celebrate a birthday or not, I just wish happiness for you - wherever you find it.

Dickons, I don't feel like I threw anyone under the bus. I am not an authority on adoption, but I am an authority on my son's adoption. His bithmom didn't place him because she loved him so much she wanted better for him. She placed him because the two abortion attempts didn't work. She placed him because she couldn't keep him (due to abuse, neglect of her other two, DHR, etc). She told me to my face (and in front of her 4 year old) that she wished they had never been born and that she didn't know why I wanted one. I think telling my sweetness that "they couldn't keep him" is kind. He will know the truth as he gets older because he has an open relationship with his sibs that are still in the family. Still being abused. Still being neglected. I never said that people shouldn't feel a certain way, I simply stated that I didn't get it. I have said this before: EVERY situation is different. I pray daily that I present his adoption well (to him and to others). But I will never pretend that his adoption was more or less than it was. I struggle many days to find kind and loving things to say about his birth family. It's hard. I wish he had a birth family that mourns him. But it simply isn't true. The few that want a relationship with him, have it. the others have told me it isn't worth the effort. Yes, I'm having a "bitter" day because I wish I could truthfully tell my amazing, beautiful, loving son that his b-mom did what she did out of love. I wish I could truthfully tell him that his bdad chose us because of the love we could give him, not because of how deep our pockets were. But that is simply not my son's story. I love reading about birth parents that made a selfless choice and did so out of love. That would be different for me. Kid's learn attitudes and behaviors from people around them. I NEVER talk to my son about his adoption with anger, or frustration, or hatred. On my "bitter days" we simply don't talk about it. (I have not shared much of this with people that know us) I speak to him about them with love and understanding and yes, even forgiveness. AGAIN, this is from my perspective about my son's birth family. This post was never intended to question your mourning your son. This had to do with celebrating birthdays for the adoptee.

This comment was directed whether intended or not at adoptive parents... Kind regards,Dickons

The belief buster is here!!! To let you know that this is not always true. My parents, especially my mother were great with my birthdays, still are. I almost always got a party. Always got a present and card no matter where I was, and a call or a visit, and a dinner out. They were very positive about it all. I'm very thankful to them for putting in the effort on my birthday, it did make a big difference in that day for me. We never celebrated gotcha day that I know of. My adoption was final on Christmas eve, so we were partying anyway, my adoption just never was the reason. I think we parents can want for our children happy and good days. Sometimes it doesn't matter what your mom and dad want though, even if you try to give them what they want, sometimes you're just not up for it. But don't always have to let them know it :) When I was little I sent telepathic signals to my mother while sitting in front of my cake wishing and getting ready to blow out the candles. I remember it well, and remember that my mom could sense my sadness and went overboard to take my attention to something else. There were sad moments during the happy day. When I got older I still had sad moments during the happy day. Some years were better than others, some years were pure hell. I'm not sure if it matters so much the reason of why you lost your original mother. Birth is birth, Life is life and the day you were born can be a day to celebrate every year. I lost my mother the very second I was born. Throw that in with the happy day and it can get a bit hard to celebrate. I've celebrated reluctantly for many years. Because I wanted to celebrate, and I wanted to mourn for my mother and I. On my last couple of bdays I celebrated it all, and talked about it all to my guests, and explained why I was so happy and why I was so sad. It really worked out great, best birthday parties I ever had. I hope I get 50 more.

My birthday is approaching. This year I won't be waiting for a call that won't come. I can't do it anymore. I will be with the family I have and living it in the here and now not split between wishing and wondering if they will call. I will take a moment somewhere in the day to think of them but I won't waste another minute wishing the phone would ring.

Good for you murphy Easy to say hard to do;) I'd suggest waking up, saying that outloud so someone else can hear it, explain what's going on with you that day to someone who will get it, the more help the merrier. When I did this it gave me strength, I didn't hide anything, easy or difficult, I stated it all out in the open. Everyone knew where I was that day. It helped me so much to get it out of my head and into the light. I wasn't the only one with it in my thoughts. And it helped with what people would say to me, sometimes things are said that can get to you, KWIM? not on purpose, some just don't realize what's going on in your head that day :) :cake: