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I think I've met my breaking point and I am considering having the kids removed. I know most you know my story, kinship placement, not a foster parent by choice. This evening was VERY tough on me...Visitation night, simply went to pick up the children and had my wonderful spouse get out of the car to get them. Bio dad approached my spouse in front of the therapist and bio mom to tell him they were coming to open house at school. They haven't been involved one day, why are they coming!!! None of us get along. I am the one that drive 40 miles everyday to take her to school, the one we kept her at so she could have stability! So what was my spouse suppose to say?The visit went 20 minutes over visit time as parents coddled the children. The visitation supervisor watched, did nothing. Kids finally got in car both crying, finally my niece says it's all my fault and I'm making it all this way. And that's it, she hit the spot! I said do you really think that? So I opened the door while bio's and therapist were standing there and said 'She thinks it's all my fault, do one of you want to tell her the REAL situation?' Bio mom (my sister, barfing as I use that word) looked and so innocently said 'Well of course it's no one's fault.' I got in the car and shut the door. I then spent 30 minutes hearing how horrible I was. I honestly don't think I can take any more. Bio mom and dad are playing us HUGE and it's a joke! Truly my niece and nephew blaming us if this does become permanent is one of my biggest fears. How will we ever be a real family? We can't and this just confirmed it, we are going to be the bad guys. Then to think when we have kids, what will my niece and nephew tell them, how horrible we are? Then to end the evening I said hey well mom and dad are coming to your open house tomorrow, she was so excited. I told her I wasn't going to go. She just said 'ok.' Why am I even wasting my time!!!!!? So in other words I think it may be time to find them a new home. I don't think we can be their permanent home if it comes to it and I don't know if i can keep doing it if they're simply going back. I care too much I think and I'm the one getting hurt.
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I have issues with my non relative BM that are ongoing EVERY day and I can't imagine what it would be like if she had regular access to my life outside of foster care! I say give your notice and watch what happens once they find out. They might just think they can get away with this crap because you're family and you 'have' to put up with them and feel safe challenging you? Do they want them to go to a stranger's home to live?? And maybe they're just moronic idiots ...
all too often kinship FPs are seen as nothing more than meddling baby sitters. In some situations I believe its actually better for the kids and the bios for the children to be placed in traditional foster homes. Sending big hugs your way, and hoping whatever decision you make will give you some peace <3
I think if you start saying things you regret on a regular basis(in front of kids), or loosing your cool out of frustration, it may be time to move on. I would request them to be fostered by someone in your county so you can still have visitation, maybe even do respite for them from time to time. This way you have removed yourself from the situation, but still get to see them on YOUR terms, and they won't feel abandoned by you.
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Im so sorry youre going through this!I have a friend that has adopted 8 of her foster placements. The ones that she didnt adopt either were reunified, or the parents were involved in their lives, and she disrupted.She said to me "In my experience, the bio parents and family have NEVER been a good presence in the childrens lives." She went on to say, " I honestly feel that the kids need to be completely removed from the family to have a chance at a normal life. They were taken from the family for a reason..."Im sure there are many instances where this hasnt held true, but in her case, it has. She has had about 12 foster kids through her home.
I tend to agree with Nevada Jenn and Inshape. You have done the best you can. Remind me please of the children's ages? My cousin went through this with my bio sister almost 30 years back. She kept dear nephew but niece went straight to foster care. He was very attached to my cousin. My sis and her then husband played all Of the games and mind tricks to the point that his behaviors escalated and she knew it was no longer healthy for him to go through it. I would call for a meeting and put it back on the bios. Tell them point blank either stop this crap or they will go to strangers, is that what they really want. This puts the ownest on them where it should be.I think you have done an amazing thing up to this time. Big hugs to you.
Everyone is saying the same thing....you have tried and done great but maybe it is time to let them move on. They are all taking advantage of you and DH because your family, time to toss it at them and let them deal with foster parents who are not related. Those foster parents cant be blamed like you have! I wonder if you give notice if everyone will snap to and follow rules! Might be too late now but I bet the workers change the tune of things fast if you do. Keep us updated but know I feel for your torment in this decision.
Thank you all for your responses, it sounds like you all are saying the same thing I am thinking at this point. I don't know what I would do without being able to use this board. I was up all night, couldn't sleep a wink. The thought of it sucks soooo bad, but I think it may be time. Things aren't getting better if anything they have got worse and to have the kids blaming me to hurts so badly. The only thing I have tried to do is the right thing, but I am starting to question what the right thing even is anymore. I should have listened to EVERYONE in my family when they said don't take this on, you know your sister she is 'poison'. I thought no there are 2 kids, I can change it I can make it better. For once in my life I think I'm going to have to admit that maybe I can't change it or make it better. I've done the best I've could with the hand I was dealt and it's unfortunate it's 2 kids that get the **** end of the deal. I have a call in to the CW, haven't yet heard back, didn't say to much just to please call me. I am thinking if we go through with it we will tell the CW to start looking for a family but we want to wait a couple of more weeks until school is done and also give ourselves sometime to really process this and make sure we are making the right move. I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!
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I don't know how old the kids are, so I don't know if it would be a situation in which they'd understand someday, but definitely time to do something. I am not sure if this would even work, but what about telling the CW that you cannot be their placement if you are forced to be the bad guy and aren't getting support. That you think it is best, while they are a foster placement, that they go live with a non-relative placement, but if someday the adoption situation comes into play, and the children receive proper therapy that you would consider adopting them. Also, if/when they leave, you need to explain to them that you were left with no choice. That you do not want them to think you are the bad guy because you love them, and that you cannot have their parents making you the enemy. Hopefully someone can help them understand that they were with you because you love them and you wanted to help them, and that you will be there for them, but until their parents get their lives figured out, you cannot be made out to be the bad guy and deal with abuse...
I can't imagine always being the bad guy so I really feel for you. But whatever decision you make it should be final. I don't agree that it's a good idea to let someone else foster them & then take them back of they come up for adoption. If you let them move to another foster placement & they are willing to adopt you should let them. I do agree however about talking about the situation with your worker. It can be very hard for kids to accept the parent they love so much is to blame for the situation. But even bio kids are ungrateful.
I don't believe that if their foster family wanted to adopt them that they should ask for them back...I just meant that if they became free for adoption and they felt at that time they could do it, it could be an option. I understand not wanting to deal with it in the meantime, but I also wouldn't want to say good bye to my niece and nephew forever...
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Wow, that's terrible. :( I'm in a similar situation but from day one I made it clear I would NOT transport or supervise visits. So my contact with my sister has been very limited, thankfully! I'm a little confused, though, are the parents' visits unsupervised? How could the parents have gotten away with saying that kind of crap the kids with visit supervisors around? Good luck with your decision. No one will blame you if you decide to disrupt, even if this latest nonsense hadn't come up.