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I am looking for advice, and I don't know who to turn to at this point. (sorry ahead of time for my tendency towards exposition).
I am from a family of 3 adoptees (as my mom could not have children due to health issues). I was the youngest and watched both of my older sisters try and find out more about their birth families only to never find anything (of course this was before the age of the internet). While of course curious from time to time, mostly I just accepted that the same would be true for me and I didn't really need more than what I had, a happy family.
When I was in my mid 20s my mom asked me some personal questions and admitted that they were related to my birth family's predispositions. This was the first real time my curiosity was piqued and I did some searching at the time (with nothing but my birth date and state to go on). When I couldn't find anything I let it go for awhile.
5 yrs. ago my mom died and during that emotional time the interest in reunion predictably returned, but I could never find the paperwork to give me more info.
This past weekend my sisters and I were packing up my dad's house and all of my paperwork turned up in a random box. It included a letter that referred to me as "baby boy (insert not my adoptive name here)" and a non identifying letter that referred to my bmom as a letter (which my sister tells me is likely the first initial of her first name) and the month and year of her birth, as well as a card from the hospital I was born in with my weight, height, time of birth, and description.
It was a lot to fall into my lap, and I didn't even look through it until I got home.
Over the next day I did some searching but not really trying too hard, however my wife found someone who fit all the identifying marks (age, birth month, first initial, last name at the time, location and the curious fact of taking 5 years to go through high school). Even the interests seem to fit.
So now I have a possible name, address, and phone number, but I am not sure how to verify or even where to go.
I am quite possibly closer than either of my sisters ever got (and I have far more info), and the one sister I have talked to about it admits she has no idea what I should do (we are a very honest family).
My dad is an emotional wreck since my mom's death, and to be honest my mom was the rock and center in our family, and the one who I could talk to about stuff like this.
My friends and my wife treat my adoption almost as some sort of exotic thing about my nature (or other adoptees as well), and can't see why I don't want to get to the bottom of this (as I do in all other things).
But there was some parental rights hearings around my adoption (my bmom wanted to have me up for adoption, but others tried to claim me) and I don't know how that turned out after I was adopted. And of course all the typical feelings I don't think I have to expand on here.
Plus I don't know how to confirm, I can't find pictures of this possible candidate and they are very close to the chest as far as online information (my wife just has an uncanny knack).
I don't know what to do or who to ask. Or what emotions to trust (excitement, distrust, anxiety, interest, FEAR, a need to know, etc.). All I know is that this has become very prominent and distracting all of the sudden, and I have my own kids and life to consider as well. Who knows what this could change.
Advice?
P.S. sorry for the expostion
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Wow, what an incredible journey of emotions you must be feeling right now. There are many paths you can take at this point, but only you can decide what makes you most comfortable. You have to figure out exactly what it is you are looking for... this is an important step that *I* think is vital for adoptees/birthparents to take before they begin a search. It helps to know what you want out of the search/reunion process before you embark on it so that you can make your wants and needs known if a contact is made. Are you looking for information? Medical background? A relationship? Those are the questions only you can answer for yourself. And be prepared for those answers to change along the journey... many times people start out their search intending to only request information and medical background and wind up waking up a desire for more contact.
You also need to prepare yourself for any eventual outcomes and how they might make you feel. Your birthmother may be thrilled to hear from you. She might not be. If she's not, remind yourself that it's not a rejection of you, it's simply HER inability to deal with whatever issues your adoption brings up in her.
If you are fairly certain the person your wife found might be your birthmother, you could reach out to her directly and see if she'll confirm and answer your questions. Or you can contact an organization, such as the White Oak Foundation, and have them facilitate the first contact if you don't feel bold enough to do so yourself.
You could see if your state of residence/adoption offers a confidential intermediary service, if not your state, the agency through which you were adopted may offer a similar service in which they will pass letters/photos, etc to your birthparent/s and facilitate a mutually agreed upon connection, where your confidentiality is maintained until both parties agree to release information. There is usually a cost for this type of service. It can be expensive, but it's a great option if you're not totally confident in making that contact yourself.
Good luck!
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Wow, seems like a lot all at once. For me, it happend rather fast once I finally agreed to sign the papers (3 yrs later) and allow them to release my personal info.
I am an adoptee, and I had contacted the agency for medical info, they then "dropped the bomb" that my bio mother had contacted and left current information if I did happen to call.
I was nervous, and I didn't talk about my family for a long time, and honestly I am glad. My kids know of her, but have never met her, and they do not call her gramma. They were young and I didn't want to confuse them, now they are teens and I have not seen her since our first meet. Therefore, I do feel I made the right decision. Obviously, how you want to introduce your family is up to you, but it is something to consider especially not having verrification yet.
Speaking of verrification, I think I would just ask as many questions as you can, and keep in mind this is 2012 and you can always do a DNA test.
It sounds like you had a good childhood, and a good relationship with your parents. Though I have always had curiosities, I more or less just wanted someone to point them out to me from across a crowd, just to see if I look like them. I have had many people ask me though in the past, "why wouldn't you wan't to know your "real" parents"? However, to me I do know my "real" parents, they are the ones that raised me and my kids call grandma and Papa, so I can see where you are comming from there.
Well, hope that gave you something to thing about if nothing else. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision!!
If contact is something you would like, then you could: Write down your name, what town you live in, your birthday, and your phone number, and email address while you still remember them. And then ring her.
And see what happens.
Celebrate with your wife. Go talk with your doctor or therapist or whoever you take guidance from, when your heartbeat returns to normal. You've described all the right emotions and feelings that most people in your position would be having. But begin the journey with no expectations, and a lot of patience...