She's been found!

Well I have a bit of an update. Spoke with my CI today and have my bmom's name, address and phone number. Needless to say, my nervousness has tripled. She didn't send a letter with her release form, but left him a voicemail that she's very excited to hear from me. Thinking I may be calling this evening. She's still in MI, so that's a plus should a reunion happen. I looked her up on Facebook, but can't be sure its her. Now I feel like im going to drive myself crazy. Of course, no support from the Mrs. Showed her a picture of what I think is her, and nothing. Just attitude because she's not getting any good news she's waiting on. Can't do this with her. I'll update more after our first conversation.

Good luck, OP! It is hard for a woman to understand how another mother can let go of a child but the world was so different in the babyscoop era. Mindsets were completely different and actions followed the societal mores of the times. I agree that you should have your wife read "The girls who went away" and another one where she may feel sympathy to the birthmom is The Other Mother by Carol Schaefer. I've been in reunion with my birthmom for 20 yrs this month. Best thing I ever did for myself. I also was a search assistant with an adoption search group and met my 2nd husband there. We've been together now for 18yrs and our extended family includes both adoptive families, his paternal birth family, maternal birth family and my maternal birth family. Our daughters are innundated with grandmas! Your wife may also find value in visiting a Concerned United Birthparent meeting to understand what birthmoms went through. CUB is on facebook and online of course but having an inperson conversation with a real live person can really make a difference. Sounds like she is playing the devils' advocate so that she can protect you. Perfectly normal since she doesn't know this person and your emotions are running high right now. Just make sure that you share what you are going thru and experiencing so she learns to understand it. Its a rollercoaster ride- always nice to have someone to scream with! If she starts showing jealousy- then that would be a completely separate issue. My idiot first husband got jealous and didn't want me to talk with any male relatives -that marriage didn't last long! Let us know how the call goes. Also-tell your wife that she can post here or pm someone to ask questions about the situation that she may be afraid to broach with you. Its unchartered waters, and you may need to let her explore the situation a bit.

Well, made my phone call yesterday, and wow is all I can say. Still feels unreal. I'm just not sure what to think. So my bmom is about 3.5 hours from me. Told me she felt she gave up her right to search for me when she gave me up, but my siblings have been searching for me through the years. I have an aunt that lives in my small town. My bmom said she'd love to meet me and would drive down right now if i was ready. Part of me is starting to feel guilt. I just don't know what to do. Everything feels so different now. And to top it off, she told me my birthday was the day after what my birth certificate states. Definitely need some time to process everything. Should i feel different?

Wow! That's a lot to take in! Its perfectly normal to feel like your life, your very identity is turned upside down and inside out! I wouldn't be ready to celebrate your birthday differently- perhaps you both can request hospital records or more info from the agency to see what they show. Its very common for birthmoms to forget or remember the birthdate differently. Take this as slow as you need to. There is a honeymoon phase (sounds like you are in it) where there is this glow and energy around the whole thing. Just like when dating, people show their best sides as they get to know each other. What you might want to do is write down what you need from this, what you want, and what you want to put off for the time being. That way you have written boundaries that you can verbalize as it progresses. Its exciting and scary at the same time because no matter how much prep work you do the feelings are indescribable and purely specific to you. A lot of latent emotions can surface for your birthmom and siblings and also for you. Its ok to take time to reflect on those. Just be upfront and honest when you do. How is your wife taking the contact?

YAY and wow, it does seem to be a lot to process. From what I have read on here and other sites, it can take days, weeks months or even years to get from step to step, the looking, the finding, the calling, the meeting etc. So don't feel bad if you have to step back and ask to slow things down a little. I imagine that it can be very very overwhelming to "get" something that you have kinda wanted for a long time. Now that you are on the edge of getting it, it might be very hard to take that last step. So cut yourself some slack. :-) Guilt is a fascinating emotion. You said you were starting to feel guilt, maybe look at that and try to figure out why. Are YOU feeling guilty? Or is someone trying to MAKE you feel guilty. Have your parents ever said "don't look"? Is your wife saying "give it up because I asked you to?" Are you saying to yourself, "my life is, was, has been great without these people....why am I looking?" Possibly if you can identify where the guilt is coming from you can deal with it a little better. As a birthmom, I would say expect to be a little overwhelmed if you step off that ledge, life may change completely for you, and change can be good. If I had a closed adoption and I didn't know anything about my child and suddenly I was offered the chance to know I would grab it and try not to let go, so Birthmom might want to go to fast and it seems to be ok to say, "so I need a little time to process!" Just please SAY it to her, don't just disappear because that would break my heart, I would be obsessing about what I did wrong, what I said wrong, etc. You could very well be the answer to her most secret prayers, the ones that she only ever uttered when no one was looking, only in her most secret heart of hearts, and I imagine that can be a lot of pressure to put on someone. I realllllly hope that things go well for you! :-)

Hello Ozmoses and All, I came to this forum to find my birth daughter. I found out that she had started a search for me in 2009. I don't know if she is still looking for me because I haven't contacted her yet.(now hold on a minute, let me explain) I don't want to get it wrong. I wanted to research a bit I am seeing my counselor this week, reading these forums, reaching out...I want to do it right. I have 3 children ages 15, 12 and 9. I have been happily married to the same man for 20 years and I told him about the baby as soon as I knew I loved him. He said that it was his baby too and it wasn't, we had been dating for 3 months; I was 21. I had the baby when I was 18. I have not told him that I found her. As far as wives, husbands, parents, friends, neighbors and what-have-you; I love them all...I don't want to hurt any of them or cause them pain but, quite frankly, this isn't about them. This is about the beautiful, beautiful, precious, fat little baby girl that I did not get to keep. I hear so many of you adoptees on these forums say that your birthmom's "gave" you up for adoption; I did not 'give' her. I would never 'give' a baby away, much like your wife, Ozmoses. If she can say that she 'would never give a baby away no matter what', then how is she not capable of helping a grown man whom she loves walk through finding his birth mother? Let me just say that you cannot know, she can't, the pain of saying good-bye to your child. Nothing is ever the same. My children saved my life. I will call my birth daughter this week. I will ask her if she still wants to meet me or if I am intruding. I am going to talk to her before I tell my kids about her. I have raised very good people. They will want to know her. My baby would not have had a good life. I had an abusive mother. I am estranged from her now, by choice. The birth father was bad news, he didn't want to have it. I moved away and lived in another state with my great aunt. My family said I was at college. Didn't tell my siblings or anyone. I loved the baby. I was so healthy for her, walked and worked all the time. I paid my own way. I didn't let the family pay for anything. I can't remember if they paid the hosp bill? I worked, p/t to put clothes on layaway for when I wasn't pregnant anymore. I was in Florida. I bought an Alligator charm and wore it on a necklace for 9 years until it hurt too much to look at it and now it is in my jewelry box and I see it when I put my wedding rings on. My main concern is that she knows that I love her. If she doesn't want me in her life that is ok. I want you adoptees to know something so very important and true: the fact that I simply know her name, just her name, I am complete. Love. Kellie

So is there any update of any kind on this story? Did Ozmoses start another thread somewhere? I'd really like to find out how his reunion with his bmother went!

You can click on the person's name and select "view public profile." Then, you can see when the individual was last on the site, and you can also choose to view all posts by that individual.

Thanks! Very helpful!

Ozmoses!!! You've left us hanging! So how did things go with your bmother? Are you still in contact with her? You know we're here for the good AND the bad. Let us know how things have gone? BTW, my bson lives in Michigan too.

Hi everyone! Let me start by first apologizing for never coming back to give updates. At the time, things were moving so fast, I never found the time to make it back on. As I was cleaning out my in box, I discovered an email from here. So here is my update. Things have been going great. My bmom and I are communicating all the time. We talk usually once a week, and I have gladly accepted her as part of my life. My kids even call her Grandma Julie. It's been an amazing trip, one that has given me answers to so many questions that I have had growing up over the years. We both have made the trip to visit each other once, which I am hoping to do more often. I met 2 of my 3 siblings as well as an aunt and my grandmother. Unfortunately my grandmother has since passed, but having the opportunity to meet her can not be put into words. I'm still working on building the relationship with my bmom, and then hope to continue to build a relationship with my siblings. They have reached out but part of me wasn't ready. Emotionally I'm starting to get there. It's been an adventure to say the least, and it's just getting started. More than a year in and it is feeling great!! Here's to many more years to come!! Thanks again for everything from everyone. :banana: :happydance:

Very happy for you!

Great to hear! It's wonderful you all are in each other's life. So good to finally get answers, too.

so so awesome to read ur update? How is ur wife now??

My wife is much better now with everything. She is very much involved with my bmom and they get along great! I couldn't have asked for a better ending.