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I started searching for my birthmother 3 years ago when I turned 18 through my adoption agency. They told me they could only help me find my birth mother, as she did not list my birth father on the records. Though I was okay with this, they told me it would cost money that I didn't have at the time and I decided to give up for the time being. I'm 21 now and the agency contacted me about 6 months ago, telling me my birthmother was searching for me now. I'm a senior in college and at the time it was finals week, and I let them know that that particular week was not a good time but as soon as the new year started, they should get back in contact with me. They never did.
So I decided I'd contact them. They let me know my birth mother still wanted to meet me and we started taking the necessary steps to prepare for this. I sent in all the paperwork and they told me she was doing the same. I waited for three months. I never heard back from her.
In this amount of time (the last 6 months) I've come to realize many things about myself I never thought about previously. I realized most of my personal problems deal with my feelings of loss and abandonment from the adoption, feelings I never thought I had before. I'd been to see therapists before several times but never could follow through with this because I felt they were blaming everything on my adoption. I suppose now that they were right.
I'm feeling very alone in this whole process. Recently the agency let me know my birthmother had a heart attack and that she's going to be okay but "can't have any more stress in her life right now" so therefore we cannot meet yet. I cannot talk to my parents about this because though they try, they just don't understand and I feel awful discussing it with them because they believe once I meet her, I'll leave them. This is ridiculous to me because I have had a wonderful life and I love my parents with all my heart. And that's exactly what they are. They ARE my parents, not my birth mother. I do understand where they're coming from.
I also cannot talk to my friends about this because they just don't know what to say and I'm tired of people saying "it'll all work out." I'm sure it will, but thats just not what I want to hear right now. I want honesty. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel so completely alone. And I'm terrified to meet her, even though I want to.
What if I'm not good enough? I'm in college and I plan on going to get my doctorate eventually. But I don't own anything myself. My parents pay for my car insurance and my apartment. I have a job but I accepted it solely because it will look wonderful on a Master's and Doctoral application, not because I make much money. I take too many credit hours to accept a second job. I'm single. I'm 21 and feel like I've accomplished NOTHING in my life. She let me go once, I don't know that I can handle that rejection again.
I feel like I'm being too emotional over this but I know I have 2 siblings, I believe brothers, which she cared about more than me. She was on welfare, which she cared about more than me. I just need some words of wisdom from people who know where I'm coming from. If you've read this whole thing and can offer me any support or advice, I'd truly appreciate it. Thank you!
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Search and reunion can definitely awaken emotions that we didn't even know existed. It's a crazy ride. At times, you may feel perfectly sane. Other times, you may feel as though you are going crazy. This is perfectly normal.
I am sorry that you have to wait to connect with your birth mother. But, it probably is in her best interest to wait until she is healthy enough to deal with the stress of reunion. (Some of the stress is good stress, but it still stresses the heart, and she probably isn't strong enough for that yet.)
I know the fear of rejection is strong. Every time I send an email to my mother, I fear that she will not like something I have said and will "abandon" me again. . . .
I think you are impressive. You are working on a college degree. Only about 30% of the U.S. population has a college degree. You plan to obtain a graduate degree. Only 10% of the U.S. population can claim having one of those. And, you are working while attending school: that's impressive. Believe me, you are smart to obtain a job that looks good on graduate applications!!
You're 21. You're doing well.
Hopefully, when you meet your birth mother, she will see the solid foundation that you are building for yourself.
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KLS - what you are feeling is pretty much the norm for reuniting. It does bring into focus all the previous things about yourself that you dismissed as just being you and not adoption related - that too is pretty normal. Some call it coming out of the fog because for so long you defended adoption as all good because of your feelings about your family. Recognising that being adopted can be linked to some of your ongoing issues plays havoc with the need to defend adoption as all good. It messes with your mind. Adoption can be good and also cause harm - different degrees - different individuals. As to the heart attack - the stress of reunion would be very difficult to navigate while navigating your brush with your own mortality and trying to heal - stress impacts the heart function and right now I can completely identify with her need for time as I have also had a heart attack. Give her some time and perhaps ask if you can send a get well card so she knows you are there when she is well (send a picture as well). Take this time to read up on reunion - Nancy Newton Verrier has a book called "Coming Home To Self" that is the second book to the Primal Wound. I am just now reading the book but it speaks to reunion and also may help you find ways to make your mom and dad feel secure during this time or perhaps you could get them to read it as well as there are sections for adoptive parents. Nancy Verrier is a psychotherapist and an adoptive parent. It should help you during your wait. There are also some other good books on adoption reunion and if I remember them I will come back and list them but start with the one noted above. You will get through this waiting period and perhaps be better able to navigate your reunion without as many bumps having had the time to process and learn. Take care,Dickons
KSL719
In this amount of time (the last 6 months) I've come to realize many things about myself I never thought about previously. I realized most of my personal problems deal with my feelings of loss and abandonment from the adoption, feelings I never thought I had before. I'd been to see therapists before several times but never could follow through with this because I felt they were blaming everything on my adoption. I suppose now that they were right.
I cannot talk to my parents about this because though they try, they just don't understand and I feel awful discussing it with them because they believe once I meet her, I'll leave them. This is ridiculous to me because I have had a wonderful life and I love my parents with all my heart. And that's exactly what they are. They ARE my parents, not my birth mother. I do understand where they're coming from.
What if I'm not good enough? I'm in college and I plan on going to get my doctorate eventually. But I don't own anything myself. My parents pay for my car insurance and my apartment. I have a job but I accepted it solely because it will look wonderful on a Master's and Doctoral application, not because I make much money. I take too many credit hours to accept a second job. I'm single. I'm 21 and feel like I've accomplished NOTHING in my life. She let me go once, I don't know that I can handle that rejection again.
I do know how you feel. My bmom never told her family she has a child and to this day, she still hasn't and I'm 29.I have a lot of anger towards her. I also have feelings of abandonment and fear and everything else you could ever think of.And after I found her and talked to her and realized that she didn't really have the desire to meet me like I did her, it felt like she was rejecting me yet again. And it hurts it really does.But believe me. Its not because you aren't worth it. Its not you. You have accomplished a lot so far and your only 21. Don't worry.My bmom has many issues and none of them are my fault. She is distant and closed off but thats not because of me. And the same for you. Your bmom isn't 100% ready to deal with her decision she made many years ago.
I don't think you should view the situation in terms of whether your bmom will think you are good enough. Frankly, who cares what she thinks? I know you think you do but you should not. Here is why...even if, at 21, you made a six figure salary and owned a penthouse in some fancy buliding in Manhattan and a vacation house at the beach (if, by the way that is how you would define sucessful) she still might not accept you or be proud of you or invite you to Thanksgiving dinner. The plain truth is that she may never accept you in the way you want regardless of your station in life. She won't reject you because you are not a successful person but she might not accept you because for 21 years she has convinced herself that you are better off without her. You are not doing yourself any favors by stressing over whether your accomplishments are good enough for her, particularly when she herself was on welfare and presumably had few material possessions.I know what you want. You want to meet her and have something click. You want to look at her and see a resemblance. You want her to miss you and to accept you into her life. You need to know and be ready for the possibility that none of that might happen. In re-reading what I have written so far, I realize that I sound bitter. I am. I am 42 and was adopted at birth. My adoptive parents told me that my bmom was 18 and wanted to go to college and so gave me up. That was not true. I found my bmom through the adoption agency and learned that i am the product of an affair and she was 27 when she gave me up and already had 4 kids. I previously thought maybe I had younger siblings, not older ones. Having grown up as an only child, this hurt a lot. Talk about feeling worthless...hey, I already have 4 kids and love them, let me cast this new one aside....I met my bmom when I was in my early 30's. We look absolutely nothing alike. She showed me pictures of my siblings. We look nothing alike. She told me that I look exactly like "one of my bdad's daughters" (yes, at least two more half siblings). I have asked my bmom on several occasions to let me meet my siblings and she refuses. She keeps insisting that she did what she did for me, I should be grateful. There is no way she is going to tell her kids what she did (had an affair, gave my up and, probably, lied to them and said I died at birth (how else would older siblings not have asked what happened to me?)So that is where I am coming from. She continues to reject me and not consider my feelings. She is not rejecting me because I am not successful, I am by anoyone's standards. She is rejecting me because she has herself convinced that it is what she needs to do. It is her choice and nothing I do can change that. Yes, it is disappointing but it does not define me. Being adopted is part of my make up, part of who I am and it does make me feel rejected and alone and worthless at times. But just at times.
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Usually the birthmom has a lot of guilt and sadness. She won't be worried about you being good enough, but whether SHE is. For all concerned, unexpected (and much more dramatic, even if expected) feelings come up.
And waiting IS the hardest part, both in the first search and every time there's a pause in the communication.
Not necessarily for everyone in the relationship, but for at least one in the relationship.
Eventually everyone wants to search, but not everyone at the same moment. Be patient, list your info everywhere you can. Search for what others have listed, she may be out there waiting.
Also, if you find no one else knows about you, it doesn't mean she didn't care, only that her relationship with others didn't allow it. Family stuff is weird. It's only recently that it's become acceptable to talk about these things.
She has felt secret sorrow over your loss and secret joy over your existence.
Good luck.