Accidentally alerted my half sister to my existence

I forgot to add this suggestion: for the time being, you'll probably want to keep your tree listed as "private," not "public." There are also some privacy and security settings deep within the guts of Ancestry that you can turn off so people won't message you!

Thanks Raven, I think I made my family tree private from the start, thanks goodness.

I actually think you have a right to know your sister if you would like to. Just another way to look at it, and i am a birthmum! susie

Thank you Susieloo, That is nice to know. I just feel bad as I get the feeling that my birth mum hasn't told her daughters about me. My latest thought is to ignore it - that way I'm not lying (not in my nature anyway) and leaving it open - whatever way it falls. I think I have convinced myself I haven't done anything wrong and maybe something good will come out of it. I've stopped crying anyway :)

You did not do anything wrong. Secrets have a way of coming out, which is why it is generally a bad plan to keep secrets. It is not your fault. How you choose to handle it on ancestry.com is your decision. If you accidently met in person, and started noticing similiarities in appearance would you feel guility? If you were talking to an acquantiance you meet at a social event, and shared some information and it suddenly turns out that you were related, would you feel guility? This is basically the same thing. You did not do anything wrong.

Keep us posted! One of my raised daughters is now living with my bdaughter in another city. They have developed such a cool relationship. How unfair it would have been of me to deny that! Susie

I definitely will let you know the outcome, if timely. I decided to not reply as that would mean lying which is definitely not in my nature. I figure she may ask my birth mother and hopefully something good may home of that! Thank you so much for your advice and kind words - definitely helped me in reaching my decision on how to act! Stacey

TaurusBaby66, I believe you have every right to know your sibling. I think it very kind that you have considered your 1st mom's feelings on this but they shouldn't be put above your own. I'm a 1st mom. If you want some insight into reasons why your 1st mom is remaining distant, please take a look at [url=http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/why_wont_my_mother.html]"birthMothers" Exploited By Adoption - For Adoptees[/url] Good luck!

Thank you VancouverShar for the article thread - it's a very good article for my situation! Regards Stacey

After my b-mother cut me off, I waited 10 years for the anger to go away before contacting my half-sisters. When I talked to one of them on the phone the first time, I asked her if she knew that she had a half-sister. She replied that she knew she had several half-siblings. I was in shock until she explained that her parents had divorced and her father remarried and had another family. But the kicker was that he had never told the children of his second wife that they had half-siblings. Another 10 years have gone by and I wonder if they've found out yet. I do genealogy too, and have researched my birth family and have both my birth and adoptive trees up on Ancestry. No one has yet contacted me through Ancestry. However, one of my b-mother's (Sally) cousins emailed me years ago regarding something I had posted. He asked for info on how we were related. I simply replied that I was one of Sally's daughters. He may have been confused, but he didn't take it any further. He emailed me some family photos and we stayed in touch for awhile until he passed away.

Your Birth Mother created the awkward situation just as mine did, her decision not to have anything to do with you and to try to keep secrets is unfair on everyone else in the family. I had a relationship with my two sisters for over ten years before my Mother died and although she would not acknowledge me she was fully aware that I would fly to the US and stay with one or the other of my sisters from time to time, she had to give me a wide berth as I was always ready to meet her. Do what you think is right for you and not her, you only get to be here once!.

I really don't know why some adoptees are reluctant to tell the family of a birth family about their existence. I have wondered if it is some underlying need to have the birth parent want them with hopes they may eventually reconsider. If you contacted your birth mother some time ago and she is still hesitant to talk to you and you are getting nowhere, then you may want to consider letting the cat of the bag with the others. That is your right and they are adults and they will make their own decisions about how they want to deal with you. What you are going to have to do is decide if you are where you are pretty confident that your mother will not budge on opening a door with you. If so, then proceed. It may even be that opening it for her with these relatives MAY get her to participate on some level since there won't be anything to hide anymore. Don't always assume that a mother has had a good relationship with her children OR that you are causing damage by stepping in. It may be that you will be welcome and could answer some questions for them or they won't be surprised based on the type of person she is. If you do contact the sister through the tree, make sure you give an explanation so she knows no one could know about her mother like you and that it isn't a prankster. It may even take you writing her a letter through the snail mail to validate what you said. If it were me, I wouldn't let this opportunity pass. Genealogists usually won't let this drop. Of any sibling to contact, the best are the ones who are in love with family connections. They get it. You couldn't have had a better circumstance than a sister on ancestry.com Try it and see if you get a response. If you don't, you can still contact other relatives.

Many support groups, e,g, Search Triad, counsel that contacting birth family members who already know of the adoptee's existence is okay. But letting the cat out of the bag to family members who do not know is a no-no. It can cause major problems for the birth family. Imagine the consequences of teenage children finding out that their mother, who has advised abstinence until marriage, had an out-of-wedlock child. Suddenly, it's a case of "do as I say, not as I did," and ALL the mother's counsel (drugs, etc.) is called into question. And if one were to contact siblings from the birth father's side, and his wife found out he had an affair, it could destroy his marriage. The adoptee has to give careful thought to the consequences of sibling contact. Is it likely that an someone other than the birth parent will be hurt? Then decide for his/herself whether the birth family's needs of privacy outweigh the need for connection.

I am not advocating contacting children or other relatives who are not adults. I have never heard ALL counselors, or people who deal with birth family contacts on a professional level, make comments about staying away from other family members when the birth parent doesn't want contact. That is a subjective opinion and that is why each individual must decide for themselves. I had a reunion with two individuals and one of which was a success and happened to have relatives contacted. So, I am proof that there is not a one stop approach that works. If a birth parent does not want contact, that is their choice. However, no child, or other relative, is obligated to observe their desires. The child counts just as much and is just as related to the other individuals. They have a right to know them and establish contact. In fact, the other relatives may want it and be glad it occurred. It did in my case.

Oh dear me, I dont want to sound judgmental but this sounds like it comes from someone with something to hide and a fear that the secret will out. "Letting the cat out of the bag is a no-no". Pray tell me why the injured party cannot redress the balance, should the Adoptee be expected to go through life waiting for the cat to escape?. In my early years when I was given counseling for behavioral problems not one of the so called experts came even close to understanding how I felt and I was left to sort myself out, one of my "treatments" was to destroy all secrecy and tell everyone that I was adopted whenever family was mentioned. The Adoptee has a "need" not just a desire to know the truth and to try to understand everything possible about the situation they are in. Siblings like all others must take on board that the adoptee is not the sinner but the sinned against(however good the reasons) Like lots of other things in life, "you pays your money and takes your chances", Just because you gave a child up don't think you can keep that secret forever, birth brings with it responsibilities that you can never escape, nor should you be allowed to. You the Adoptee are the most important person in all this, do what you think is right just as your parents/parent did when you were put for adoption, that's the best any of us can do. Think, consider and then act decisively in you best interests. Good luck. PS On the subject of teenage children, I don't think anyone would even consider making an approach via teenagers which makes that a rather silly point.