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I want to meet my four older siblings. The problem is that they don't know that I exist.
About 20 years ago, after my adoptive mom died, I located my birth mom through the agency that handled my adoption. The most shocking revelation in all of the information that I received from the agency was that I have four OLDER half-brothers and sisters. This was such a surprise because my adoptive mom had told me that my birth mom was only 18 when she had me and gave me up. I don't know the genesis of that story but it was far from true, in realty, my birth mom was 27, married and already had children. She had an affair, i was the result and she gave me up.
I made contact with my birth mom years ago. We exchanged basic information on a few occasions and even met in person once about 10 years ago. Because I was raised as an only child I am very curious about my siblings and whether we look alike, sound alike or share any interests. I have asked my birth mom if I can have my siblings' information to contact them but she will not provide that because apparently she never told them about me. Even though the oldest would have been around 8 when I was born, she insists that they did not know about the pregnancy and she can't bear telling them now because she thinks they will "hate her" for what she did.
I don't judge the decision that she made 41 years ago but I do judge the one she is making now. True, she obviously knows them and I do not but would they really hate her for what she did? Would they not feel empathy and compassion after the initial shock? In my heart, I have to believe that they would want to know now, while she is still around to explain her side of the story.
I am not going to push her because I feel that my most recent request upset her. But, I cannot help but feel that we are all missing out on the potential of getting to know each other on some level and it is breaking my heart. Now that I have two children of my own, this issue is at the forefront of my thoughts.
Recently, i discovered their names and the states where they live. My birth mom does not know that i have this information.
I am a woman of my word and won't disclose to them the situation because I promised my birth mom as much. However, i know that they will all be together in the same place at the same time about an hour from my house later this week. Do i go to anonymously look in on them? My hope is that someone my see this and offer some comfort or advice.
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BobbieK,
I completely relate with how your feeling as I have literally been there myself although I am the product of an affair my bfather had. He was married and already had two daughters when he had a relationship with my bmother and she got pregnant with me. Also relinquishing me at birth. To top things off, nine months after relinquishing me, my bmother got pregnant again with the same married bfather but this time she kept and raised my full brother!
I located and made contact with my bmother when I was 23 years old and we have been "reunited" for about 21 years. Within just a few weeks of meeting her, she disclosed the fact that I had a full brother just 1.5 years younger than me that she raised. My brother and I were her only children. I was able to meet him and we have established a connection :)
My birthfather, however, had the two girls with his wife that were older than me and two boys that were younger than me and my brother. Once I met my bfather and we established a connection, I gently asked if one day I could meet my half siblings (he has been divorced from his wife for a long time). Without hesitation he said that was NOT going to happen as he had told no one about me or my brother. Well....I accepted that for a long, long time I am guessing because I didn't want to jeopordize my connection with him. But as I aged and starting thinking about my mortality, I realized that anything could happen and I might miss the opportunity to meet/know them if I continue to follow his rules. So I asked again...20 years later...and was told "no way."
I had such turmoil within my heart trying to understand why I had to still be his secret after all these years. After all...ALL his children (six in case you hadn't counted) were adults and I felt had the right to know. I assessed what I might lose by contacting them (my connection to him) and after not much time realized that what he and I had was not much if it was dissolved by me simply wanting to know about/meet my siblings. So I set forth to contact them on my own.
Well...it's been seven months and I have met one sister (one time) for lunch. We corresponded via email for several months after that and then "poof" she stopped responding. I have talked with the other sister but she doesn't seem interested in a connection with me. I have yet to be able to contact my two younger brothers as I have not been able to find contact information.
Your probably wondering about my bfather's response....well, he called and _itched me out telling me I was selfish! Really?? Okay! He hasn't initiated contact or responded to me reaching out to him since.
I share my story because even after all the chips have fallen and settled....I am STILL happy I did what I did. It is not good for our psyches to feel like a secret. Like somehow we are less worthy of being their child than the others! We are living, feeling people that deserve to be acknowledged just like anyone else in the world. If the "others" in our lives choose to deny us...we don't have to simply accept that. I am sorry that it doesn't seem to matter to any of the people I mentioned above that I am their relative (daughter, sister) but I can only reach out with my hand and if they don't reach back I have to accept that there is nothing I can do about that!
I wish you well in your decision-making process. If you ever wish to message me...feel free :)
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Thank you for sharing, Belonging. I loved that you said it is not good for our psyches to feel like a secret. That could not be more true and it is precisely the problem but I never thought of it in that way. I am happy for you that you took the initiative to find your siblings and that you have established a relationship with one of them at least. It must have hurt a lot when you discovered that your bmom kept the son she had with your bdad but, you know him now and I hope that eases the pain. Thanks again for sharing your experience and perspective, it helped to give me something to think about!
BobbieK336
I want to meet my four older siblings. The problem is that they don't know that I exist.
About 20 years ago, after my adoptive mom died, I located my birth mom through the agency that handled my adoption. The most shocking revelation in all of the information that I received from the agency was that I have four OLDER half-brothers and sisters. This was such a surprise because my adoptive mom had told me that my birth mom was only 18 when she had me and gave me up. I don't know the genesis of that story but it was far from true, in realty, my birth mom was 27, married and already had children. She had an affair, i was the result and she gave me up.
I made contact with my birth mom years ago. We exchanged basic information on a few occasions and even met in person once about 10 years ago. Because I was raised as an only child I am very curious about my siblings and whether we look alike, sound alike or share any interests. I have asked my birth mom if I can have my siblings' information to contact them but she will not provide that because apparently she never told them about me. Even though the oldest would have been around 8 when I was born, she insists that they did not know about the pregnancy and she can't bear telling them now because she thinks they will "hate her" for what she did.
I don't judge the decision that she made 41 years ago but I do judge the one she is making now. True, she obviously knows them and I do not but would they really hate her for what she did? Would they not feel empathy and compassion after the initial shock? In my heart, I have to believe that they would want to know now, while she is still around to explain her side of the story.
I am not going to push her because I feel that my most recent request upset her. But, I cannot help but feel that we are all missing out on the potential of getting to know each other on some level and it is breaking my heart. Now that I have two children of my own, this issue is at the forefront of my thoughts.
Recently, i discovered their names and the states where they live. My birth mom does not know that i have this information.
I am a woman of my word and won't disclose to them the situation because I promised my birth mom as much. However, i know that they will all be together in the same place at the same time about an hour from my house later this week. Do i go to anonymously look in on them? My hope is that someone my see this and offer some comfort or advice.