Birth mother is my Wife's sister!!

I have adopted my neice's children. I feel since it is a relative adoption, and the children have contact and a new baby sister, we have been completely upfront with them. They know my neice is their birthmother, and the baby is their sister. We have told them their birthmother was not able to take care of them the way she wanted to so she decided that it would be best to give them to Mom and Dad. We emphasise how blessed we feel to be their Mom and Dad. My kids are 2 and 3. They do not get confused about our family. There are all kinds of families out there. Adopted, birth, mom & dad, same sex parents, two moms and two dads, kids being raised by grandparents, etc. I'm sure we will have a lot of questions and the kids will have strong emotions...especially since their mother is raising her new baby who is not much younger than them. My advise is to tell the child the truth at her level.

You may want to repost this in the General forum of Adoptive parents or Relative adoption forum in Adoptive parents. There's more traffic there & you will get more posts. :)

Thank you!

Thanks for the advice!

I would not hide it. I am adopted and I have always known this. My mom always told me that I didn't grow under her heart but in it. Regardless if you tell your child that you adopted her, the kids are related wheather its by blood meaning siblings or that they are in fact cousins.

We also adopted my sister in law's chilld. She lives several states away so we only have occasional phone contact. She wants our son to call her Auntie X. We have made a photo book on snapfish that shows pictures of him with his birth mom (and an explanation that "here you are with auntie, she was your first mom). There are also pictures of him with many people in our extended family, so that is only part of it. Our son is only 2 1/2 and he looks through the book often. I feel that by making it common place it won't be a surprise to him when he is old enough to start asking questions. Honesty is always the way to go.

I was adopted by amoms sister back in the days of closed adoption. It was a huge secret that everyone seemed to know except me. I did not find out util I was in my 40s. What a mess!! I did grow up in the absolute BEST home though with lots of love. Aparents are the greatest.

Dear Friend,With all kids I strongly believe in answering questions truthfully when asked. As your child has asked questions (which might have been similarly instigated by an episode of Mr. Rogers-if that is still in re-runs?), she is ready for some answers. Ignoring behavior is what we do extinguish it; I'm sure you don't want her to stop asking questions. (But that is excellent strategy for a tantrum; ignore to the Max past even the heightoned "extinction burst" of worst and loudest thunder and the sun may come out). But now, you may need to remind her that she had a (few?) questions. I would sit down or play while offering to answer that which you can answer. With a young child a few answers may be enough. If she says "are we related", I would say "yes" and wait for her next question. Be careful to let her ask for what she is ready to hear. I might follow that with "do you know what "related" means? There are a few different ways to be related. For instance, your Mom and I are related by marriage. " I'm sure you can field her questions from that point. Be encouraging, but don't drive the information faster than she asks for it.Studies show, in adopted families, where all other factors are "norm" that it is healthier for a child to learn about their adoption early. I knew about mine as long as I was alive-was told as an infant. I only wish that I had been given strategies to deal with how other children who knew this treated me. At 59 years old, I now know that when teased about adoption cruelly, I could have said "but I was chosen and loved" had it been the truth. I hope this helps-and I hope that you can capture and use this opportunity for the benefit of all.Blessings,LLAWEN

Honesty is the best policy, when it comes to any adoption -- but certainly when it comes to relative adoption. I would start talking about adoption early and often. Your child joined your family in a very loving way, and it's a good idea to make that clear. It would have been better to start talking about adoption even when your child was a baby, but you can certainly make up for lost time. Be proactive in initiating discussions. Find some books that show relative adoption, and all kinds of adoption, on a level suited to your child's understanding. Think about what your child knows about reproduction. As an example, most four year olds know that babies grow in women's "tummies", but they don't really understand about what role the Dad plays or how the baby gets into the tummy. Bring up the fact that your child grew in Aunt Barbara's tummy, but that Aunt Barbara felt that you and your wife would be the best people to become her Mommy and Daddy. So Aunt Barbara and you and your wife went to the courthouse and talked to the judge, who allowed you to adopt her. You promised to love and take care of her for the rest of her life. Aunt Barbara would be a loving relative, but you and your wife would be Mommy and Daddy. Then wait for the questions. They may not come then, but they will come -- often at an inopportune time, like in the supermarket checkout line or in a public restroom where voices are magnified. I love LLWAN's suggestions. If your child asks, "Are we related?" you can ask if the child knows what "related" means, and move on from there. Or you can simply answer "yes", and wait to see if there's a follow-on. Giving too much detail all at once will confuse or upset a child, especially if what you answer is not what your child was really asking. As an example, the child who asks "Where did I come from?" may not be asking for a big talk about reproduction; he may simply have heard a friend say that he comes from New Jersey. I do hope that your child's biological siblings get good, compassionate answers about why their sibling "disappeared." If their Mom isn't talking about the matter with them, and maybe getting some input from a counselor about how best to deal with their obvious worries that they, too, might disappear, you should talk to her about doing so. Or at least you all could agree on the way you want to present your adoption story to all of the kids. If their Mom can't deal with the facts and their fears, you may have to help out, without overstepping parental bounds with the children. You aren't their father, although they spend time with you. One thing you can do is to let your child's questions trigger discussions when you are all together. As in, "Do you know what Julie (your child) asked last night when she was going to bed? She asked if she was your sister. What do you think I answered her?" If that question leads to one from the siblings like, "Well, if we're brothers and sisters, why don't we live together?" that's fine. And if that leads to, "Do you think that my Mommy will make me come live with you or with somebody else?" you'll know what's on these kids' minds. If you hear things that make you concerned -- for example, if one of the siblings says, "I keep having nightmares that when I wake up, my parents aren't there and some strangers are saying that they're my Mommy and Daddy," -- talk to their Mom and suggest, yet again, that she get the kids some help in understanding that they are not going to be abandoned. That kind of stress is not healthy for a child. Sharon

Honesty is the best policy, when it comes to any adoption -- but certainly when it comes to relative adoption. I would start talking about adoption early and often. Your child joined your family in a very loving way, and it's a good idea to make that clear. It would have been better to start talking about adoption even when your child was a baby, but you can certainly make up for lost time. Be proactive in initiating discussions. Find some books that show relative adoption, and all kinds of adoption, on a level suited to your child's understanding. Think about what your child knows about reproduction. As an example, most four year olds know that babies grow in women's "tummies", but they don't really understand about what role the Dad plays or how the baby gets into the tummy. Bring up the fact that your child grew in Aunt Barbara's tummy, but that Aunt Barbara felt that you and your wife would be the best people to become her Mommy and Daddy. So Aunt Barbara and you and your wife went to the courthouse and talked to the judge, who allowed you to adopt her. You promised to love and take care of her for the rest of her life. Aunt Barbara would be a loving relative, but you and your wife would be Mommy and Daddy. Then wait for the questions. They may not come then, but they will come -- often at an inopportune time, like in the supermarket checkout line or in a public restroom where voices are magnified. I love LLWAN's suggestions. If your child asks, "Are we related?" you can ask if the child knows what "related" means, and move on from there. Or you can simply answer "yes", and wait to see if there's a follow-on. Giving too much detail all at once will confuse or upset a child, especially if what you answer is not what your child was really asking. As an example, the child who asks "Where did I come from?" may not be asking for a big talk about reproduction; he may simply have heard a friend say that he comes from New Jersey. I do hope that your child's biological siblings get good, compassionate answers about why their sibling "disappeared." If their Mom isn't talking about the matter with them, and maybe getting some input from a counselor about how best to deal with their obvious worries that they, too, might disappear, you should talk to her about doing so. Or at least you all could agree on the way you want to present your adoption story to all of the kids. If their Mom can't deal with the facts and their fears, you may have to help out, without overstepping parental bounds with the children. You aren't their father, although they spend time with you. One thing you can do is to let your child's questions trigger discussions when you are all together. As in, "Do you know what Julie (your child) asked last night when she was going to bed? She asked if she was your sister. What do you think I answered her?" If that question leads to one from the siblings like, "Well, if we're brothers and sisters, why don't we live together?" that's fine. And if that leads to, "Do you think that my Mommy will make me come live with you or with somebody else?" you'll know what's on these kids' minds. If you hear things that make you concerned -- for example, if one of the siblings says, "I keep having nightmares that when I wake up, my parents aren't there and some strangers are saying that they're my Mommy and Daddy," -- talk to their Mom and suggest, yet again, that she get the kids some help in understanding that they are not going to be abandoned. That kind of stress is not healthy for a child. Sharon

You have had an overwhelming response that have echo'ed my thoughts. I am adopted and have no idea about my birthparents. Always tell the truth. Talk about adoption and "chosen children" frequently and openly. The one thing that adoptive children will resent are lies. Congrats to your efforts by coming here and seeking advice.

I, too, adopted a relative. When my DD was 4, she did have some questions about dual roles *she was fascinated with the idea that her brother is her cousin :) ) Just keep it age appropriate and you'll be find. By that I mean, "they were unable to care for you and we were excited to have the opportunity to be your forever family."

Honest is always the best policy! Tell your child that you adopted (her or him) because you loved them so much and could offer them a good home situation. Be honest that their Aunt is really the bmother and that she also loved them so much she let you adopt. No child can have too many people love them. If you are not honest and the child finds out the truth later they may resent you. Your child has siblings that they need to know. Look at all the siblings like myself hunting our siblings. Your child does not have to hunt for their siblings. You love your child be honest it is always is the best policy no matter how young your child is. It is better for your child to know right from the beginning that they are adopted and have siblings. God Bless you for helping your wife's sister.