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Hi! I am new here. My husband is an adult adoptee, who recently reunited with his birth-mother and family. Everything went very well in the beginning ,and she was eager for him(and our young daughters) to meet her siblings,her father, cousins, etc. Now, she has had a "falling out" with a couple of her siblings,and although she still attends family functions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, weddings, we are not invited. Her other children (my husbands's half brother and sister) are there but we are never included. She has also made it clear that we are not to visit with her siblings or my husband's biological cousins without her around. What is going on? Has anyone else experienced anything similar and what can we do?
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I'm so sorry that your husband's first mom is acting that way. It is very sad. She is having a hard time dealing with her emotions. She is grieving the loss of your husband. Sadly, this rarely happens until reunion. It is easier to be patient with people when you understand they are in deep grief, even denial of that grief.
That said, she should in no way dictate what or how you and your husband choose to relate to first family members. You are all adults and can decide for yourselves. It is very unfair for her to demand that she must be present. I would probably tell her in as gentle terms as possible that you understand her fears and you are sorry that she isn't comfortable. However, you will be doing what you think is best and nurturing relationships with whomever, wherever, whenever you feel it is right to do so. Something like that, anyway :)
I'm a first mom and understand her concern and have sadly seen this before where first moms go into total control mode. It is part of the grieving process....but she doesn't have the right to limit or control how you and your husband deal with your newfound relatives.
Good luck :)
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