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I have been reading some of the reunion stories on this thread. I see so many stories that did not come out as one of the parties had hoped. I wrote the below in response to one of them and though it may add value to some of you experiencing the same. Hope it helps.:
I am a birthmother who found my daughter 33 years after her birth. Our reunion was and is the best thing you could imagine. I love her like crazy as does my husband (who is not her birthfather). My two sons love her and have a great relationship with her as well.
But I think I dreamed of the day I would meet her for so long and had so many preconceived notions of what that would look like that maybe when it happened and was not the same as my dreams I panicked.
I did not run to her and cry and cry. Maybe I appeared a little cold and maybe still do. I do not feel that way but am aware that it could look that way. I did not instantly feel this overwhelming love. I didn;t know her. I didn't have a base with her. I never had a daughter that I raised. I wan't used to sharing that deeply with anyone. Boys aren't like that. They aren't as emotional. I felt guilt for not reacting as I had in my dreams.
I love her and I love her hard. But I got there. Little by little. I still find it easier to tell her how much I love her in Facebook posts and texts and things. I feel awkward about it. Unsure. A lot of it is trying to know where she is coming from, what she thinks, where the line is etc. It's complicated.
Her mother is deceased and she does and should love her. I do not have the right to that space and just because her mother is deceased doesn't mean I take that spot. I don't deserve it. Her mother was wonderful and holds that place. Ours is a different relationship. We are building it. Three years in and we are still building it.
There are times when you can feel the uncertainty from both sides. It's ok. We just roll with it. Not sure what we expected of each other. There is no road map. We don't know people with our same exact story. The stories we have heard are different with different personalities and different circumstances. We are not in a box. We won't react the same as others. It is ok. It just is.
Maybe you both need to just let things happen. Maybe you should stay in touch but respect each others boundaries. They will come down most probably but if they don't you have to respect the emotions of the other party. Love what you can and what develops. It doesn't just happen. It is not a book all laid out neatly. It ebbs and it flows. Enjoy the ride.
I hope you find the love you need and want and I hope whatever level that is is reciprocated. But the second guessing and drama probably won't change a thing. Take it slow. It will work out one way or the other.
As for me - I love my daughter. Love her. Never ever want her out of my life again. I know I am graced by her presence in our lives. Some of my family does not feel that way - and instead of being mad or angry (like I was in the beginning), now I just feel sad for them. That they don't know the beauty inside and out of this fantastic woman is such a sad thing. But it is their thing - not mine. For me - heaven!
I'm absolutely blown away and incredibly grateful for this post! It addresses SO much of what I've just been through and has helped me feel more at peace with my recent reunion experience.
I'm a 47-year old adoptee, a longtime reader of the forum, the forum helped me tremendously as I conducted my search, especially when I finally found my birth mother and was needing help composing an email to her.
But this is my first post, I came looking for reunion stories because I just returned from mine, I was struggling with all of the mixed emotions I was feeling, particularly many of the feelings expressed here by "march31976".
My story, like many here is long, so I won't get into details. The basics include an incredibly welcoming birth mother and her son and daughter (my new siblings!), whom I just recently spent a week with in Arizona (I live in Washington state.).
After reading so many stories here on the forum of adoptees getting rejected by their birth parents, I recognize that my experience was, in comparison, a tremendously fortunate and positive experience.
The only disappointment was the result of my understandable but unrealistic expectations that, upon meeting my mother, I would feel a connection of some kind. I struggled with this the whole time I was there, because even after days and days, staying in her home, I never once looked upon her and felt she was my mother. A lovely lady, for sure, but I could never bring myself to call her "Mom".
It was funny, I was able to spend a lot of time with my new siblings, and we laughed numerous times about how we didn't know whether to say "my mom" or "our mom".
Anyway, I've now come to peace with this, partly thanks to my brilliant 14-year old son, who, when I shared this with him said, "It's ok to be friends first and then family."
In the meantime, a good foundation has been built, we all liked each other a lot, they've all been invited to come visit us in Washington, we've been invited out to visit the siblings on the east coast, and we'll almost certainly be going to Arizona again eventually.
Thanks, "march31976"! It helps SO much to know others have had the same experience.
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Mine is also a little different. Our original reunion was not so good but within 7 months grew into this great relationship. He moved in with us and his two siblings 6 months ago and it is great. He was abused as a child by a stepfather and left his amothers home at 18, never having a good relationship with her. I have tried really hard to encourage him to rebuild that relationship with her because she is the one that raised him into this great young man he is today. The similarities of personalities, likes and dislikes between us his parents and his siblings is uncanny. Him and I have bonded in a way that I never thought was possible. I know my story is unusal. He considers me "his mom" and tells me often that I am the reason he moved here.
I love hearing everyone's stories on hear but even I with everything going so well worry all the time that the other shoe will fall and he will go away. I have emotional scars that no one I know understands. So this is my outlet, like all of yours. I hope to continue to hear your continued journeys.
My son and I reunited back in 2004 and eventually failed in 2009. One of the main problems was his failure to respect us or our boundaries - he even lived with us for over two years. Yet we were expected to respect him and his boundaries. Nor would he accept any responsibility for his behaviour. If something went wrong it was everybody else's fault although usually it was his adoptive parents and our faults. I even got the blame for him going overdrawn with his bank because he spent beyond his means online constantly.
Sadly he doesn't have a good relationship with his adoptive parents either. We all love him dearly yet we all know there is nothing any of us can do to make him happy.
I've been reunited with my bson for 11 yrs. now. I've always loved him, but yes, he was a complete stranger when we met. I did feel a piece of my heart clunk into place once we met. But still, we didn't know each other at all. It takes time! Lots of time. I would easily say it took 5 yrs. to get to know each other well and be comfortable. But even today, we realize that we are not traditional 'mother and son'. I love him fiercely and he loves me. We've had a wonderful reunion (not without it's problems, mind you!) something I will always cherish.
Everyone is different and each reunion is different. I think mine is special and I thank the Lord everyday for giving me the opportunity to have this relationship with my firstborn.
I reunited with my then-18-year-old son over 22 years ago, and we have a pretty solid base to our relationship. I still have the worries that other natural moms in reunion have...my son getting angry with me and disappearing is my main fear. (He's not aware of my fears, however!)
I've found that post-reunion relationships work pretty much the way that all relationships work -- a lot of give and take, along with a heavy dose of patience, compassion, and forgiveness, and respect on both sides. We never set ultimatums on each other, and we do try to communicate effectively with each other, something that takes a lot of work at times.
I read about setting boundaries all the time on here, but I'm not sure that my son and I have ever defined any so-called boundaries. We both respect each other's time and space without any need to spell things out, I think. I've always taken things one day at a time, something I learned to do after I surrendered him to adoption back in 1972, and this seems to have helped both of us throughout the years.
I love my son with all of my heart, but there have been times I've been extremely angry with him...just like I've been angry with other family members. Eventually whatever happened between us blows over, and it turns into a learning experience for both of us.
The one thing I've noticed the past five years or so is a certain level of maturity that has come to my son with age. He's wonderfully funny, smart as a whip, and very charismatic. He's the apple of my eye, and I thank God each and every morning for bringing us back together 22 years ago. :loveyou:
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