Adventures in foster parent depression

In spring of 2011, we were matched with our our first foster kids, and 12 months later we were able to adopt them. We've officially been a family since April! They are amazing, smart, happy kids. Thanks to everyone on this forum who kept me sane. Life is so good now. But even 6 months ago, I was a mess.... I wanted to share this in case anyone is in the midst of depression due to foster care and needs to know that they are not alone. Even though our foster roller coaster was shorter and easier than what a lot of you are experiencing, I thought that the process was going to ruin me. I fell into a pretty deep depression and it took me a long time to even understand that that's what it was. I was so worried about so many things that I could not control. "I need to teach them to behave because what if they go home and are beaten for misbehaving?" "I need them to eat more because they are underweight already, and what if they go home and aren't fed for days?" And then I worried for the safety and happiness of the teen parents. I cried for them, so many nights, just thinking how unfair it is that they (the birth parents) were raised by cruddy parents...how unfair that God would allow generation after generation of kids to be abused and neglected. I cried for my kids deserving the best and getting treated like an afterthought. I feared for our safety when our private info was accidentally shared with the birth family. I lost friends who didn't understand foster care and seemed to place their kids far above mine. My relationship with my own parents was strained when they clearly weren't comfortable with us parenting kids of another race. This journey is A LOT for anyone to deal with. In my case, I found myself withdrawing from everyone except my husband and kids. I felt like no one could relate, and I do still basically believe that was true at the time. I felt tired all of the time, but blamed it on the fact that we were now parents to a baby and toddler. I felt my usually patient personality evaporate, and I became constantly irritable. I was not me, and I finally figured out that I had depression. I was too afraid to talk about it here, in case my CW was lurking here. I was too afraid to get counseling because I didn't know if CPS would find out. I didn't know if my depression meant that we could lose our foster kids. I knew that the kids were fine in my care, and I figured that I would tough out my emotions and things would get better. In my case, things did get better. We adopted a few months ago and I felt myself waking up from the funk. I actually had to stop coming here as much, had to stop reading books about abused and neglected kids, and had to stop receiving emails about local kiddos who need homes. I was taking the story of every kid so personally that it was unhealthy. Now with a little bit of distance from the world of foster care, I feel fine again. I hate myself for being so weak. I felt like I wanted to save every child. And now I know that the best I can do is put 100% of my energy into loving MY 2 kids like crazy. I wish I could be more of a crusader, because I feel like that's what my heart wants to do...but I am not there yet. I wanted to share in case anyone here is in their own funk. And I also wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced this. And, for the sake of anyone who is going through this now, can foster parents get counseling without jeopardizing losing their kids? I found tons of info online about post-partum depression but nothing about foster depression. I've never experienced depression before foster care, and I have to think that I am not the first to go through this. Anyway, things do get better and I feel so glad that this forum exists. During my depression, this was the one place in the universe where I felt like I was not alone (other than having my husband to turn to). Seriously. Thank you to everyone for sharing everyday. And hugs to those who are having a hard time with the emotions of the journey. One thing I know for sure is that none of us can ever regret doing the right thing and loving our kids to pieces for the days that we have them. I feel silly now for all of the energy that I poured into things beyond my control. I actually laugh now when I think about how bent out of shape I'd get about what the kids were fed during visits, how hard it was to get approval for a haircut or vacation, and things like that. It all seemed SO IMPORTANT at the time. :)