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Does anyone else get tired of constantly having to explain your standing on racial issues concerning your children to family? Our latest issue is my niece wanting to take our dd out for a picnic on july 4. T has never been without my husband or me unlesss she was with my mother. I trust my niece with my dd but I am still nervous. I told her she is more than welcome to spend time with T as long as she follows some simple rules. 1. Cell phone on her person at all time 2. T is never to leave her site. 3. I want to know where their going and who is going to be there. And most important NO CONFEDERATE FLAGS. No shirt; belt buckle; no anything with that flag on it. My niece loves the confederate flag. She views it as a redneck emblem. Believe me I have had many discussion's concerning our out right dislike of that flag. It hasn't sunk in yet with my family. :grr: My niece is the only one in the family who wears it. My husband and I have gotten up and left a restaurant during dinner because she has shown up wearing something to do with the confederate flag. I will say that here lately she is starting to grow out of the whole redneck rebellion fase. Sorry I'm rambling. To get back on topic. My mother, sister and niece is upset with me for saying that T would not be allowed to go if my niece showed up wearing anything to do with that flag. I have had many discussions with them on concerning racial issues. They know our feelings. It's not like this is something new. I just needed to vent and to see how other families dealt with this type of hard headiness. Thanks
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It seems like your problems with them aren't just about them not "getting" the complications that race bring to different topics, but about them not respecting your limits as a parent. It doesn't matter if they agree with you or not; your rules for your child are your rules for your child, and they need to respect that. It's really no different from saying that one of your rules is that your niece is not allowed to watch TV if your daughter is around, because you don't want her watching it (to use an example of a discussion I have had a couple times with my family, which they now do respect). She can respect the rule or not hang out with your daughter. I wouldn't even continue having the "why" discussion with them, because they need to learn to respect your rules for your child whether they agree with or understand them or not.
I agree with Ruth's very wise counsel! You shouldn't be expected to explain your feelings to their satisfaction in order for them to respect them! I haven't run into anything like the Confederate flag, here, at least not with anyone I knew. I did have to explain why the "n" word was a serious matter that I would tolerate, to several people in the very tiny, rural town we lived in when we first came to Utah. My son was the first person of African descent ever to live in that town. They respected my wishes, though, and didn't just stop using the word around my kids, but stopped using it, all together. Over the next decade, several other AA kids came to town, mostly through adoption. I was very pleased with how well accepted we were, by the vast majority of people.
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I agree with Ruth...don't waste your time with the "why" debate again. You've told her, and now she can make her choice. I generally give the explanation once, and then it's not open to debate. You'd think here in the heart of Dixie we'd have had the flag thing come up, but no. Our "flag" was monkeys---on everything baby-related. my DH has a strong opinion about not putting anything with Monkeys on Peanut. I honor that, and we've told family. Some want to argue it, but it's not their decision. And if they waste their money after being told, we'll happily donate the items to a local nonprofit. It was a little harder, though, when DH's AA mom bought Peanut monkey pajamas...oh well.
Your family cannot understand why you do not want to subject your child to the confederate flag? Really? My mother's side of the family has lived in middle Tennessee for several generations. I have ancestors that fought and died for the south. My family refers to the civil war as the "war of northern aggression." However, they have embraced my AA son as one of their own and they have taken down their confederate flags. I think that your family and this niece are willfully ignorant about the symbolism of the confederate flag if they are giving you flak like this. Ruth is right. You are the parent and if your family wants to be around your child then they will respect your rules.
Well my niece spent the day with T. It went very well. They honored everything that I said. Like they had a chose. On a side note. I went into work sat. and there was my niece in the dressing room buying a new outfit to change into. I asked what was wrong with what she had on. She said nothing. Her and her boyfriend were meeting some friends to go to the movie to see Medea's witness protection. As she was folding her clothes I saw that her t-shirt and belt had the confederate flag on it. Really!? :grr: After she just told me she didn't wear that flag any more. But she had buy a new outfit to go to the movie because she new what would probably happen to her if she showed up wearing the confederate flag. One day maybe she'll get. Hopefully before something happens to her.