He will be 10....

My name is Sarah and I'm 24. My son will be 10 years old on Friday July 6th. It's kind of crazy but it's really hitting me hard this year, almost as hard as his first birthday. The other years I suppose I haven't really thought about it. It's not that I've forgotten about him, it was a really hard time in my life in general but also, it was from a different point in my life. I was really young when I had my son, I was doing things that a 13 year old shouldn't be doing because they don't understand the true consequences that can come from it. I found out I was pregnant a few days before my 14th birthday. I didn't tell anyone, not even my parents. The father had disappeared, and I was ashamed. I guess I thought if I didn't think about it, or if I wished hard enough, it would just go away. My mom found out by going through my computer that I was pregnant when I was 26 weeks pregnant. Her and my father were really pissed and disappointed in me. My pregnancy was kept a secret, no one in school knew, neither did my grandparents, brother, or aunt. I didn't finally start to show until I was 8 months pregnant. I knew that I couldn't parent my child, and I did not want my parents to raise him. I didn't go through catalogs of parents and feel that click. I remember going to an agency and I left because it made me feel really uncomfortable. My OBGYN told me that a couple that he was friends with was looking to adopt another child. That was how I made my decision. I guess I was afraid that no one would want my son. I knew that they would be able to give him a better life than I could. They were both doctors, and I was a 14 year old child with no job. I remember watching shows like A Baby Story and being terrified about having to deliver my baby, but my labor was very easy. I went to the hospital, and it didn't really hurt that bad, they gave me the epidural, and I fell asleep and slept until they told me I had to push. When they put him on my stomach I felt this rush of love that was so indescribable. I didn't realize it was possible to love someone so much, especially someone I was just meeting. My mother asked me if I was sure I wanted to give him up. She said we could say he was left at the hospital and tell people her and my dad were adopting him. I loved him, but I knew I couldn't do that. The two days that followed were amazing. The next day they brought him to me and he was crying. When the nurse handed him to me he just looked at me and stopped crying. It was as if he knew I was his mother and that I would make everything alright. The morning we left the hospital was the hardest day of my life thus far. My dad and my mom came to the hospital and we all got photos with him. It was the most awake and alert he was since he was born. It was as if he knew he wasn't coming home with me. I then went into the bathroom and got dressed. My mom was changing him and she made him mad, but when I came out of the bathroom and took him and held him he stopped crying and smiled at me before falling asleep. I then started to cry as they wheeled me out of the maternity floor and through the hospital. We met his adoptive parents' attorney outside the hospital. In that moment I really struggled with giving him away, but I knew I had to do what was best for him, regardless of how much it hurt me. The adoption is closed. I haven't seen photos and I don't get letters. And for many years it didn't bother me, it was almost easier for me to not know, because then I didn't have to think about it, or wish for things that can't be. This year is different though. I recently got a job taking care of a little girl that will be 1 in a few days and a boy that's 3. It amazes me how much they change and learn over such a short period of time. It makes me wonder what he looks like. His hospital photo as a baby is identical to the one of me when I was a baby. Does he have any of my traits or habits? My family and I don't talk about it, and my friends don't really understand. Part of me is scared for the future. When I'm 34, he will be 20. I'm scared that if he wants to find and talk to me that he will hate me or be mad at me, but the other part of me is scared that he won't want to find me at all and I don't know what's worse. But I love him and I just wish he knew how much Happy Birthday Erik!