I'm just so tired

I'm also waiting on an appeal for our STBAS. And I can't wait until it happens so I can put him on our insurance and get him the help I think he needs without having to have his waste-of-space social worker weigh in. I would guess that the legal limbo is adding to some of your stress (it does in my case). No advice -- just sending support!

AmyinWI - unfortunately he does have to go to daycare. He will be starting school in a month so he won't spend a whole lot of time there after that, but a little bit before and possibly after school. We got a new diagnosis today: RAD. He was diagnosed with this almost a year ago by a psych evaluator on a disability claim evaluation. The evaluator was a fairly prestigious psych guy, but I was skeptical of his diagnosis when he tossed it out after about 5 minutes of talking to me and observing my fs. His therapist disagreed and since I was NOT impressed with the evaluator, I never even thought about it again. His therapist evidently has been thinking about it and after more time with him now feels it is an accurate diagnosis. I still don't know whether or not this is the correct diagnosis, but a lot of his behavior fits. Some of it doesn't. Sigh. I almost want it to be true so I don't feel crazy. I don't know if that even makes any sense. Happy for him to have RAD? I must be worse off than I thought! :)

Don't think of it as "having RAD", but more "attachment sensitive". It's a more fluid state and can be changed it sounds like when you say it that way. Here's the bedrock things I did with my DD (always red/yellow/suspended monthly)..... Nutrition is huge, double veggies, especially leafy greens wherever you can. Eliminate almost all sugar except when YOU give the treat (cereal should be oatmeal, cheerios etc...)Strictly enforce and police bedtimes and bedtime routines...set timers, give melatonin, invest in blackout curtains/noise machines/doorway alarms etc... Whatever it takes!Drop into daycare/school from time to time to observe him....sometimes he'll see you, let him discover you watching him. Don't go greet him. Discuss behaviors you witness, let him hear you discuss with his teachers EVERY DAY his behaviors for that day. Let them know this will make their jobs easier! Look at my trust jar link in my signature, see if it will work for you.Severely limit or eliminate all together "Screen Time" (computers, video games, tv etc...) As in, less than an hour per week. These kiddos need to engage. When you do allow screen time, monitor content! Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are good shows to help him see what his behaviors look like...it can be an incentive for better behavior when he sees how terribly embarrassing these kids behave.Hang in there, DD is 11 and starting 6th grade, she still pushes buttons, but once she was in 2nd grade she wasn't suspended anymore, and once she hit 4th grade the red/yellow cards were less. Now she's not even the naughtiest kid in class (HUGE improvement). Also be sure to ASK to have the school counselor involved (schools can't offer/suggest this) I wish I knew that and started her sooner. Call the counselor a "Life Coach" a coach is a good thing, something to be proud of.Edited to add, also, take care of you. This means YOU need sleep/nutrition etc too. Look into getting on some meds yourself. I had good success with Wellbutrin. Make no mistake about this. You are in an abusive relationship.......it's just with a child not an adult, but your brain doesn't make the distinction. You will need therapy possibly too. Start making a list of things your child does well/better than other kids. Have him tested for gifted/talented, they usually have the most behavioral issues. Help him discover things he's good at and enjoys. When you see the good, the bad won't seem as overwhelming.

All of Aspen's suggestions are good. I also think momof6's behavior incentive chart might make YOU feel better. But what I wanted to say that really resonated in your posts is the YOU are depressed and should talk with your doc about meds. DFS doesn't get to decide if you can be medicated. Really I would get on top of your mental health as soon as possible so that you can decide on the adoption with a healthy mind. I don't mean for this to come off as me saying you sound crazy. You sound completely normal for the situation you are in. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone for the support and ideas. I will be looking into them all. I have been thinking about going to a counselor/therapist, but they used it against my fs's former caregiver that she was seeing a therapist. That was part of why they moved him. I don't know what her specific issues were, but I refuse to risk it. As far as deciding on the adoption with a healthy mind... I guess I feel I made that decision already years ago before we ever went through all the drama we've had lately. He is my son. He may put me through Hell for awhile, but we decided in our hearts and minds years ago that we were in it forever. We have a tentative adoption date right now, so long as the Supreme Court doesn't come back saying something crazy, and I will hold out til then. If we get another setback, though, I will have to reconsider about going to a counselor. I'm feeling better today because we've had a couple good days in a row now. The good days rejuvenate me for the bad ones. It had just been awhile since we had ANY good ones. I do have a call out to get myself in a yoga class. My cousin is a yoga instructor and she has been telling me that it is really helpful for stress management. We'll see.

I remember when we adopted they always asked in court during the adoption proceedings if I had ever been diagnosed with depression or been on medication. It was a standard question they would ask everyone. My answer was always no, which was true. Though I did go through a rough patch like you described where I really could have benefited from seeing a councelor or getting on meds but I know I was to afraid to seek help, not knowing if it would affect our adoption. like you I didn't want to risk it so I just dealt with it on my own. Talking to others or just writing down your feelings may help. Sometimes just vocalizing your frustrations really does make them feel lighter and much more managable.

I think you are so wise for focusing on how you feel, how you react, and how that might impact your son's behaviors. My dd (adopted at 6 months) had challenging behaviors from the beginning. She didn't sleep through the night until she was 3. She had tantrums way too big and long to even be called tantrums, she couldn't stop moving, she bit and hit...and it's SO exhausting! I found, for my dd, that my reactions - calm, gentle and positive - were essential to her ability to cope well. Fortunately, her child care center's philosophy was also very, very positive. I remember having a colleague whose son's child care used a red-yellow-green behavior system and just cringing when I heard about it. My dd would have been SO unsuccessful in that kind of environment. For dd, the opposite of getting the sticker (or a green) is a sense of being a bad child and she falls apart and her behavior becomes terrible. So, the good news! Today, at 7, dd is a delightful child 95% of the time. I attribute that to positive, non-punitive parenting because it gave us the breathing space to discover that many of dd's behaviors stemmed from: food sensitivities, sensory processing challenges, vision processing issues and some loss issues, as well as she just needed some development time to learn coping skills. As we address her challenges we go weeks and weeks between any kind of melt downs (and when I say melt down I mean - screaming, hitting, throwing), and they are shorter and she is quick to make amends when they do happen now. My favorite authors in this space are Becky Bailey, Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (great fundamentals on the basics of establishing strong relationships with all kids), Patty Cogen for adopted kids (don't let the "internationally adopted" in her book title bother you. It's a fantastic book and really relevant for kids from foster care), Karen Purvis, Russ Greene and Daniel Hughes (for kids with challenges). An aspect of all the authors I've mentioned is that while they have terrific (I think :) ) ideas for working with kids, they all have an additional focus on how to manage our own emotions as parents. I've not been good about following my next advice - because other than work I'm not away from dd more than a few hours a month, but I do think that taking a day off work while the kids are in child care, or getting a babysitter for a half day can do wonders when you have a kiddo that has such high needs. This ended up being a long post :) I wish you the best on this very difficult, but so important, journey you have chosen to embark on. Susan

Don't adopt unless you know you can make the life time commitment. Adoption is like marriage. Sure, you can disrupt like a divorce, but you wouldn't want to go down that path when you sound like you are already unsure. If you have any feeling that it's not gonna work, don't do it. Don't expect the child to change too much. I don't believe in fake it til you make it. Do you use the same approach with your marriage? Fake it til you make it? Listen to your gut. Good luck!

As far as the fake til I make it... I really wasn't feeling love for him that day at all. For a few days, actually. It was a bad patch. I just wanted the behaviors to stop. But I am committed to him forever. I am not unsure as to whether or not we will adopt him - I am unsure as to how to get through it and want to learn what others do - destress, parent differently, etc. There are good times, but recently there have been more bad times. I am wondering if some of the recent intensity of behaviors is because we've started this PCIT therapy and part of it is where you are trying to establish a deeper bond with the child. Since he has an attachment disorder for sure (I'm not 100% sold on RAD yet), maybe this is him acting out to try to avoid that deeper bond? Is he just trying really hard to push me away? Going to talk to his individual and PCIT therapists about this for guidance.

Sounds more than plausible, it's highly likely.

(((Hugs)))), I'm having quite the day myself. My daughter has mild attachment issues and ADHD, and life is a struggle with her. I seriously question my ability to parent her on most days. She does not like the word "no", and her first reaction is to scream, and I mean scream. In her mind, I'm sure the screaming is her way to control the situation by trying to get what she wants, which doesn't work, so you'd think by now, she'd get it. I've spoken to her ped. about increasing her meds, but he wants to wait until September. Some things I wanted to throw out there for others who might have more experience with ADHD as some of her symptoms seem to overlap with the attachment issues: 1) Is it normal to ask over and over again for the same thing? She constantly interrupts us for everything, so I'm thinking part of this is her way of controlling us. 2) I've read online that the screaming is normal for a child with ADHD, but really for an almost 10-year old? 3) If someone plays with her (as in a water fight, tickling, etc), she is fine, but if one of her siblings does it...look out. I'm thinking this is attachment related...again control? I'm just at a loss most days. Every little thing she does drives me crazy. She knows how to get to me, and she's good at it. I know I need to learn how to cope better, but how? She pulls these stunts at home mostly, but she will also do it when others are around because she wants to embarrass me and thinks she'll avoid punishment while in public. If she is looking for something, she a model daughter. I know she can control her behaviours to some degree because all I have to do is whip out a video camera so that I can show the ped. what I'm dealing with, and she immediately stops. I've never had these issues with my other children or felt this way about my other children.

It sounds way more like RAD, than ADHD. The adrenaline required to be so hyper vigilant can look like ADHD. And it's not always about control, it can sometimes just be about making you suffer too. Trust your gut if these things are attachment related, you'll know best. Screaming is not a 10 yr old behavior. But traumatized kids stay emotionally stuck at the trauma ages. So perhaps it's a little bit of her tools not being age appropriate, but more likely she's discovered it bothers you, and if she's gonna be miserable, then she's gonna make you miserable too. It's not to get her way. My daughter used to do stuff like this to "retaliate" against me for punishing her. Or she'd make sure whatever consequence she had was a huge inconvenience to me. I had to get on some meds to be able to grow the thick skin I needed to ignore her button pushing.You need to re-teach her that her screaming no longer affects you (this is gonna suck and be very very hard to do). The best reply for my daughter's undesirable behaviors would be "Is that the best you can do?" No matter how bad it got. Eventually she would run out of ideas and it would go away until she thought of more things to try. After a few years she just quit trying all together. Especially once I started giving her new tools to use and words to use to get her needs met.EDITED TO ADD: Somewhere she's learned that persistence pays off. If she can annoy the adult long enough she'll get what she wants. You may want to have the "Alaska Tools vs Arizona Tools" talk with her once she begins to realize she isn't having success with these behaviors any more.

Thanks, Aspenhall. She definitely has ADHD. Her school work suffered, and she could not stay on task at all until she was medicated. She was always fidgeting, etc. She does amazing in school now. Almost all straight "A's". Not that RAD hasn't crossed my mind, but when I compare her to what I've read, it doesn't exactly fit. She is not destructive, etc., but she wants to control, manipulate. While she can be difficult, she isn't nearly as controlling as she was during the first years home. She came home at age 4. I'm finding the busier I keep her, the better it is. I'm just so sick and tired of always being asked over and over for something when she's already been told "no". I've already explained to her many, many times that once "no" has been said, it won't change, so why she keeps it up is beyond me. I know I need to control how I react, but when she screams, it just gets to me, and she knows it. Way back when she started, I should have let her think it didn't bother me, but now she knows that this is how she can get to me. I've been trying not to react, but dang it, it's hard. lol When we are home, it isn't too bad, I put her in her room. But, when we are out camping, etc., it's more difficult, because even in a time out, she can still be heard. She's usually quite compliant. She helps out around the house, etc. If I have to repeat myself multiple times to get her to do something, then I don't respond until after multiple times when she asks me for something. If only I could stop the screaming and the constant "in your face" behaviours.

A couple of thoughts on screamers... Get a pair of sound-cancelling headphones. SImply put them on and continue like normal. Get a boom box that plays LOUDLY. Turn it on to match their noise level and then put on the headphones. Just some ideas.

We're in another valley. Peaks and valleys. It makes me wonder about whether he's bi-polar. Both his bios have bi-polar. Who knows. I think we just went back a year in work after today. Bad, bad, bad weekend. For both of us. I've been working on not yelling. I haven't yelled in 2 weeks. That's HUGE for me. He finally broke me.