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We are still looking to adopt one girl 8-13 yrs old. We have been selected three times and all three girls had RAD. We were selected again for a 9 yr old girl (adorable) and smart with a dx of RAD. I am waiting for the child profile to read to determine if we would move forward. I have been doing alot of reading--Heather Talbot Forbes, Bryan Post, Dan Hughes, Karyn PUrvis, and also in touch with a post adoption therapist that deals with attachment issues. He was adopted himself. He wrote a book about preverbal memories and attachment. He offers a parent workshop. What makes a parent successful at parenting a child with RAD? I do think if we get placed, our child will have RAD. We will not accept a child that has harmed animals or is physically violent to adults or sets fires. Thanks in advance for your replies. Lyn
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My thoughts.... a parent that works well with a RAD child needs to:
Think long term. It's a LONG process.
Be structured. Even though they fight it, they need structure and consistency.
Be willing to give up many parts of your life for the structure and consistency that the child needs. For us, that has meant giving up much of our social lives.
Forgive easily, or at least accept misbehavior as a symptom (this has been a hard one for me)... my DD needs hugs and for me to tell her that I love her, even when she's been a turd again and again and again.
Accept that society in general doesn't "get" RAD kids, and that parenting books don't apply to parenting RAD kids. I have needed to be willing to accept that all I "knew" about parenting didn't apply at all to parenting my DD and that other parents would tell me that their kids had the same behavior and all I needed to do was XYZ, which did NOT work with my child.
Those are the things which come to mind first.
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Minibus is right on, and...That you may never be able to bond with your child. Ever! You (as I) may love who your child "could" be (the idea of your child if she was able to meet her potential), yet feel tremendous sadness that this child will likely never heal, or will heal somewhat, but always have certain hangups (survival instincts) that you just can't get her past. So you have to be willing to accept the relationship for what it is and that she may never be "normal" and able to form healthy attachments with anyone...ever. :(I've come to realize that adoption MUST be for the kids only--to provide a loving and stable home for kids who really need it. It CANNOT be for the parents, too. Once in a while RAD adoptive parents are fortunate to feel their love and efforts reciprocated...with really great attachment therapy, a supportive network of adults who get it and give the new family the time and space to build those bonds, and a child who CAN heal. I don't know how common that scenario is, but these boards and the many others suggest that it's quite rare. :confused:AND keep in mind, MOST of these RAD kids you are reading about here who are driving their parents crazy year in and year out :arrow: are NOT setting fires or torturing animals! It's the daily torments of lying, stealing, intentional wetting (in beds, in closets, on the new carpet), etc. that make parenting a RADish day in and day out so frustrating and exhausting. :eek:
We were told all sorts of things to expect with RAD children from the therapists who treated them and those from the county they came from. None of what they predicted came true. We chose a sibling group of 5. Though structure was needed and much love. (cannot emphasize that enough) Each child has their own needs and the sharing of us equally is their biggest concern. They each want just as much love as their siblings get. They are also wanting to make up for all the past things they missed , whether that be a rock in the rocking chair, a lullaby sung to them or the touching of a full belly with the comment " that's how my babies bellies need to be, nice and full." They are just children with an inborn sense of justice and justice demands they get what they were supposed to at each age level. So, we are moving on with this "working" method and finding joy in our group of kids. Not to say it is not "work" physically or challenging emotionally. Kids are kids after all. But, I would not let anyones experiences hold you back from entering this unique world of mothering a child born from another woman. The children really wants the love even if they and many others say otherwise.
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