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J is 6month and 8days old today... every month around the 9th i start checking emails every couple of hours waiting for my monthly update... I get a decent letter and some amazing pictures of J with his brother and cousins and other family... Every time I see him it kills me how much he looks like our M, K & K depending on his face, mood or angle. The pictures of the AP's with J really get to me though - I get this huge stabbing jealousy (and almost hatred) when I see how J looks at her (he should be looking at me with that love and adoration!) coos for her and is just generally so totally and completely in love with her... But then I know nothing would be worse than knowing J is as miserable as I am. We went through this whole process to protect J from the hardships we endured (and continue to battle with) and better enable us to care for M, K & K - in the end though I honestly believe this whole process caused me to lose M, K & K. I was already involved with DSS because I tested positive for mariuana when I gave birth -- two weeks 3 days overdue, 3 false alarms with AP's driving hours for nothing, 3 times when I had to prepare myself to give my baby away only to be sent home wondering when the real hell is going to start (giving him away). I am not one to sit quietly and suffer without speaking I begged these people to induce me - it was like being a bug and you can see the shoe coming and you know its coming but its just happening in slow motion - I just wanted the shoe to squish me so I could see if I survive it or not! -- so yes I am really ****ty for doing it but I gave in. I was honest with the SW and we had a pretty good relationship. She recommended a therapist and found a way to run it through my DDs medicaid (something about children thriving when their parents werent insane and it was justifiable :clap: ) I still lost my mind - I couldnt deal with the emotions losing a child caused, I didnt realize that unlike dealing with a death there is no sense of closure or release. Some part of me snapped around the second month. I started cutting again (something I hadnt done since I was 17), I would wake up at near because I heard him crying, I had constant nightmares that he passed away and the AP's never told me about it... I had the adoption version of post partum depression - to the point of auditory hallucinations - I was an absolute wreck. I talked to my SW and therapist told them I needed to see someone I felt it getting out of control and I felt myself slipping I just wasnt who I was before... I yelled at my DH all the time because I didnt want to yell at the kids - I took out all my anger, sadness and frustration on him because I felt like he could handle it. My SW said we could enroll the kids in daycare to give me a break during the day so we talked about how to find a good daycare (I didn’t mind the our oldest two in daycare they were always with us and I thought they were a little too grown up and too attached as a sibling unit and would benefit from some other children around, but I didn’t want the baby going yet she wasn’t big enough to tell me what happened when she was away from me yet. She said I could send her when I wanted or not at all.) we talked about a new Dr for my meds and she said she would make a referral and call me and she would bring over the papers approving the childcare resources over the next week. Fast forward 3 weeks - I couldn't function anymore, the SW wasn’t returning my calls and if she did she would be by the next day - I hadn’t seen her since the week before she was supposed to bring the papers by. I never got the referral - I only got out of bed to feed the kids and supervise them playing or to walk around the block with them. I made sure they were bathed and fed and had clean clothes - I made sure they knew they were loved and adored and they spent endless hours sitting in bed with me watching movies and cuddling because mommy really needed hugs then. I stopped cleaning the house, washing clothes and dishes - all of the necessary day2day BS that keeps a household of five going. Instead I curled into a ball and died inside. They took the babies away because the living spaces in the house (places other than the kids rooms) were atrocious, laundry was piled up as high as the kids covering the dining room floor, dishes were pilled up in the sink and around the counters… the place was f***ed up. I get that I really do… I understand why they arent with me what I don’t understand is how no one else can see how I sat there screaming for help the whole time I was going crazy and no one helped… I know children who were molested and beaten and reported it and were allowed to stay in the home. I got my meds readjusted and we took parenting classes but my DH quit his job because it kept him on the road and he felt like it was his fault I went crazy and we lost the house in the process and now I cant have my babies back… Sometimes I cant help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if we never gave J up - if I never lost my mind.
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Your story has moved me. I so wish I could do something to help. Offer you some sort of support or assurance that things will turn around. Many years ago, I did work for the state and worked closely with CPS (child protective services... don't know if that's what it's called in your area). I do know in so many cases they tried desperately to reunite the kids with their family. It was a slow process, but one that seemed to usually result in the kids going home. I pray that happens for you.
So now my step mom is pressuring me to let her and my dad adopt my oldest daughter 'to keep her in the family' even though they havent even started the TPR process (we are considered uncooperative because I allowed my anger to get the best of me and stopped communication with my social worker after they took them). My daughter begs to be allowed to come home with us and I try to explain to her that she cant yet but that mommy and daddy are working on it. My step mom has even said she will adopt her then allow us to adopt her back... well if thats the case then guardianship should suffice right?
The first thing I would do is call/make nice with the social worker, get on track with whatever she wants and whenever, explaining your depression was the root of your recent issues and ask for another chance. Social workers have a lot of control over events when CPS gets involved. They give the information to the Judges. Get your house clean and keep it that way. Make any appointment they want you to go to, make all visits/call, including a psychologist, go to court hearings and be extremely remorseful and respectful to the Judge. You can do it! If you can do what they say, there is a chance to get your other kids back and be the parent they need. If things have proceeded too far, then having relatives have custody is better. However, don't expect to get custody back from your step mom - she has to tell CPS that she won't ever do that. Good luck!
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