Unexpected letter

Thank you, I really do appreciate any insight/advice. I'm still so new at this! Technically, I have not been contacted by my adopted son. I received an email from his wife last night. Apparently, his parents told him he was adopted back when he was 18, which was no surprise to him since he is a foot taller than anyone else in his family. They told him that his birth mother wanted to find him when he turned 18, and gave him the adoption paperwork and birth certificate. Apparently, his wife has been doing the searching. She ended up typing my name into on-line white pages, and picked someone to contact based on the age ranges given. She said that they have two children... so, technically, I'm also a grandma. :D I keep looking at the adopted son's Facebook picture. He is the spitting image of his father... while the son we raised merely resembles his father. It's too early to think about reunions at this point. They live halfway across the country, and we still need to learn about each other. At this point, I am still trying to decide how I will tell my son that he has a brother.

Take it slowly but always be honest as well. You have communication with his wife which is good as she will know you're open to contact. It will help your son having her support as well. Good luck :cheer:

Tell your son. Show him the letter, tell him how hard it was for you--then, and now. He may very well be eager to meet him. Is he an only child (to his knowledge?) They are full brothers, and have the right to know about one another, at the very least. They may be wildly different, mine were/are. They do have the right to know they aren't alone biologically. Even if you and the child don't connect, who knows, they might?

Wow... I appreciate all the advice. I printed out all of the correspondance with adopted son/son's wife, and his pictures from Facebook. Then my husband and I told our son that he needs to log off his computer (he was playing a game) because we have something important to tell him. Then we all sat down together and I told him that I'd had another baby before him. We showed him the correspondence and pictures. He was shocked... but overall, seems excited that he has a brother. He emailed the adopted son. They had a short text conversation on their phones. So, although he's surprised, he still seems happy enough. Still so full of emotions here. I so want to do this right... so afraid of scaring my long lost son away after all of these years.

Good for you. Now at the very least you have nothing to hide. I fully understand why you would have kept the fact that you had another child previously from your son. Why cause heartache when you don't know if that person wanted contact. It's good that they have the opportunity to get to know each other and it's a bridge so to speak so you can find out about each other without all of the initial emotion.

Yes, I'm so glad to have that hurdle out of the way. He did understand, even if a bit shell-shocked. I told my sister last night, and now I'm concerned that that probably wasn't a good thing to do. It's not that I'm trying to hide anything from my family, but... they're eccentric, to say the least, and I'm afraid they may try to make contact on their own, before I have a chance to warn long-lost son. Well, I'll probably talk to my mother later and I will stress that I don't want them trying to contact him just yet. This needs to go slowly!

Yeah I can understand where you are coming from. I have contact with my father's side of the family but my mother's side of the family are all very much out of bounds. I guess they are sensitive to all of the emotion that she may have or did have. According to sources other than her; she was pretty removed from the whole thing back when she gave me up. I can understand how you would have to be. So it makes sense that the people who were directly involved should make the first contact and the extended family don't all cannon ball the person at once. I hope everything works out well.

See, that worked! Let them break the ice. Your son, while interested, doesn't have the heavy emotional baggage you could have on the topic. I know I had/have plenty! The later people find out family secrets the harder it is. Waiting until they're old enough to comprehend is one thing, but after that it can feel like being lied to unnecessarily. As my son said, "Well, that explains a lot." Good luck to all of you.

That's a good point. My brothers and I didn't get to know about each other until I was 40 and they were in their late thirties. That's a lot of the development time gone as far as going through the trials and tribulations that make a family. I sure could have used a brother for a buoy; someone to count on and mull things over with during my adolescence and early twenties. There is a lot of family dynamics and history that escaped me. They have tried to fill me in a bit but putting things in words is not the same as experiencing them. I hope that things progress in a positive way for you. There is a lot of confusion at first and people feel caught up in the whole situation. At least that's how I felt. At first I couldn't get enough of them. I think I overwhelmed my one brother and because of that he withdrew a bit. I haven't had the chance to explain to him that I was shaken to my core and the whole thing was overwhelming. I was the one who put the pieces together and when I did it pushed my mother into a situation where she had to spill the beans. She said that she "put me on a shelf in a closet" so to speak and closed the door. I think that's a good description. It's not like she tossed me out completely because she couldn't. One of my Aunt's her sister kept urging her to find me. But she for whatever reason didn't attempt to look. My father when I asked him said he didn't think it would have been fair to me. Be prepared for some questions. Be honest it's better than pretending. You made the best choice you could at the time. It' helps to understand and I took the initiative to probe so I could understand but emotionally it still stings.

Well, I guess it's time for an update. Adopted son called my son on his cell phone, and they talked for hours. I finally told my son that I wanted to speak to his brother, and he gave me the phone. Adopted son said that he was terrified of talking to me. I told him that I was really nervous, too. We talked for hours. Of course he wanted to know the circumstances of his adoption. I hope the details weren't too hurtful, although I did stress that I did what I could to place him with a decent family because I really wanted the best for him. I promised I would call in a week (this upcoming Saturday). We've since exchanged some emails and pictures. In his email yesterday, he said that he enjoys learning about his bloodlines since he has wanted to know about us for so long. Both sons have been texting each other sporadically. I think the son at home is still in some shock, but still happy enough to have a brother. (They're both happy to have a brother.) In some ways, long lost son seems to be like us. We're cautious... it seems he is, too. Which is good. We don't want to go too quickly here. :D

:grouphug: Happy for you all !! :clap:

It's been a while, but I thought I'd post another update. We've been talking every couple of weeks or so over the phone, cautiously getting to know each other. Son#1 and his wife invited us over for Thanksgiving on rather short notice. It was too expensive to go then, but far less expensive to go between Christmas and New Year's. So... we all went down to meet for the first time. I was so nervous that on the morning we were to meet, I said to my husband and son, "Okay, can we go home now?" To which they both said, "No!" Son#1 called before we were quite ready to step out, and we hurried over. When we arrived at his house and he and his family stepped out, I recognized them immediately because of all the pictures his wife posted on Facebook. Apparently, he was also quite nervous, to the point of not sleeping for two days before our arrival! I spent more time talking with my new daughter-in-law than my son. I found out quite a bit about him, some things which almost cause me to second-guess my selection of adoptive family--for instance, that he and his father don't get along very well. But it's useless to try to say I should have done things differently; we all have to live with reality as it exists. I couldn't help but look at him and try to imagine what it would have been like had I been able to raise him. That is also a useless exercise, but not as unpleasant as the second-guessing. I think the visit went well enough. We met son#1 and his (adoptive) sister and took plenty of new pictures to hang over my desk at work. Son#2 is still trying to adjust to having an older brother, but seems to like him well enough. Apparently, my granddaughter has taken to telling people that she has 3 sets of grandparents. :love: I'm certainly looking forward to getting to know son#1 and his family better!

Thanks for the update! I'm glad things are going so well for you and your family.

It's good to hear about something positive in reunion. I hope all continues this way.

thanks for the update and for being so open to reunion with your son!