Thoughts on selecting gender, special needs and/or race

I am going to have to chime in with Dr. Amanda on this one. I was waiting for someone who would discuss racism as a factor. I agree that there are considerations with respect to race that can create a legitimate concern for creating a transracial adoption through adoption. However, I have found in my experience that there is a certain underlying racism for many who choose not to be open to race. In our agency, of 50 families only 5 were open to AA children and we were in a major metropolitian area where multicultural concerns were limited. I am also writing my dissertation on adoption policy and racism has been a consistent issue in adoption over the years, so I do tend to err on the side of seeing it when I hear that parents aren't open to all races, but this is likely just the lense I see through given my research. As a side note, we ended up adopting a baby that is identified as caucasian on all forms, but his hertitage is 75% caucasian, 25% hispanic.

for me this is my 3rd adoption and I have two sons. So it makes sense to us to ask for a girl this time, however, for more reasons than just wanting a daughter, we have to take into consideration the positions and needs of our boys. They each are firmly connected to their position in the family, as well as their connection with each other. A girl will simply be a better fit for them. Plus, I'd love a chance to be a mom to a girl of my race and show her how she has choices and all the chances in the world to make a great life. Oh, I just had a ping moment!

fran, i just saw your comment to me, and wanted to say i think actually we are on the same page. i actually was continuously "justifying' my choice of being open to a biracial child. so many poeple said i wanted a light skinned child...what??? or that i was open to a "full" asian or latino child but not a "full" aa child...we weren"t. i was guided by a lot of diff factors when we filled out our "openness" sheet, but mostly by my dh's thoughts as an adoptee. i have been an a parent for seven years and married to an adoptee for many, many more. my dh and i met working in the aa community and the thought of people saying we were racist for being only open to biracial or cc kids actually now laughable. unfortunately for some years i let some "nuts" get to me. my caution to any tra family is just bite off what you can chew....for any family that may be different. ps: i wanted to add that we are adopting from fc now and are open to any race...but i have much more confidence now as a parent period that i did not have before.

Sorry but how judgmental and how fast are you to jump to the 'racism' conclusion. Just because you live in a large diverse area doesn't mean that 1) your family would accept a child of another race, 2) as a person, you can deal with the stares or comments. I've said it before (and I know it annoys some), but racism will never go away either if people just use the 'racism' card for everything they don't necessary understand. Of course there are racist people out there, but I don't think it's a majority.There is nothing wrong with wanting to adopt a baby that 'looks like you'. Seriously. Just stop trying to place judgment on people because it's the way they want to build their family. And sure, even in the same race there are a lot of differences, but really, I'm sure it's pretty well known that genetics are all over the place and that kids can take from their grandparents too. And you'll still get less stares and comments if you're with a child of the same race. Some people just want to be parents. It doesn't mean they want to (or can) deal with the additional work that transracial/special needs adoption means.

Well put Fran, deciding to parent a child of the same race does not make you racist, it means that you are being honest with your self about what you are willing to take on, honest about your surroundings and honest about what children that you would be best to parent. It also doesn't make you a better person for deciding to parent a child of a different race or of the same race. I also didn't think that Dr. Amanda was calling anyone racist in her comment. We decided that we were able to parent a child of a different race, we also decided that we were able to parent a child whose birthmom used used drugs while pregnant, these were the issues that we are taking on & they will have to be dealt with with patience and understanding not by just us but everyone around us. Am I able to parent a child with special needs, I don't think so, & I am honest with myself that I don't have the patience or ability to do that. Does this make me a bad person or someone with a problem against people with handicaps?

Racism is a big leap to make with such a broad brush. I'm sure that there are some people out there that are racist and ergo won't adopt another ethnicity, but I have to believe that there are more people that simply want a child that looks like them in some fashion or another--and there is nothing wrong with that. The adoption experience is different things for different people and each has to make it what works best for their family, based on their experiences.

I am not calling any one person racist either, but a failure to recognize that racism can and has played a significant roll in the adoption process, I think is an oversimplification. In respect to the OP's orginial question, I don't think it makes the person(s) less "worthy" to parent, but I think if we are honest with ourselves and with the issue of race, there are reasons that African Americans are not placed at the same rates as caucasians and some of that is due to racism. I am not saying any particular person here on the boards made their choice based on racist tendencies, but rather, that the thought crosses my mind when I hear statistics of familes and their racial openness. It may be that we ourselves are not particularly concerned with race and difference, but that external racism is of a concern. It is at least notable that only 5 families were open to African American children, while almost all families (mostly caucasian) were open to Asian children. In the example of wanting to have a child that looks like you, this simply doesn't make statistical sense for me. Perhaps, it is the researcher in me, but that just doesn't pan out statistically. We were also fairly open as far as birthmom exposure, etc, but I was not open to long term disabilities. I not only knew that we were not financially equiped to handle raising a child with severe disabilities, I also recognized that there is some part of me (an ugly part no doubt), that is simply not comfortable with disbility. Does this mean that I am not a worthy parent, no, but it does mean that I own that prejudice played some roll in my decision. In terms of throwing around racism to explain everything, I think this thread was exactly an example of the opposite. It was way into the conversation before anyone even posed that racism might be a part of this equation. Racism doesn't explain everything. However, I find it interesting that when I finally said something fairly strong about racism as a viable explaination, it was suggested that racism is always being thrown out there to simply fuel the flame. I actually think stepping around it just creates an elephant in the room and pretends that it doesn't exist if it isn't in our particular case. We can shy away from the tough, often ugly, realities of racism in our culture. I orginally stayed out of the conversation because I was concerned that this would be a flamable issue, but I stand by the fact that racism does play a roll in adoption, whether at the individual level or the macro level. Perhaps, not for every individual (or any of those here), but I can't believe that there is not some correlation given the statistics.

I disagree. I think most people here would agree that someone who is overtly racist would choose to adopt within their own race. Yet overt racism isn't a part of the majority, or, at least, not a part of the dominant culture in the United States. Subtle racism, on the other hand, is very prevalent, and I agree 100% with cooperphd that it plays a large role in adoptions at the individual and societal levels. We (anyone of any color) can be racist in ways we don't even recognize, including how we make important life decisions, like where to live, where to work and who to include in our families. That said, I think this one is a freebie, being open or not being open to a child of a racial background different from your own. The decisions might, at their core, be racist, but if we were talking about one's choice of a spouse, would we even be having this conversation? If a person decides not to date outside of their own race, does anyone ever challenge that? Does anyone even notice? This, who we choose to have as part of our families, is one of those things that's so close and so personal that it's my opinion that you just get to pick, even if the selection does treat the possible family members differently based on the color of their skin. There's a balance to strike between extending yourself outside your comfort zone to discover if your comfort zone might be larger than you thought, and being realistic about what you can handle. Ultimately, no matter how someone online or in your personal life may make you feel about your choices, you're the one who has to be okay with them. To a greater or lesser extent, the same is true of all the big adoption decisions, including alcohol and drug exposure, gender, adoption type and whether to adopt at all. This isn't intended for Fran27 in particular; it was just your statement that moved me to respond. :)

I am going to say this but i do not want any back lash I am not racist I have cousins who are mixed but personally I would not adopt a child of african american race not for reasons of racism but for the child"s own culture I think a child needs to be with someone who is their race who can tell them about their Nationality. that is all i have to say about it. but I am not saying one person is wrong for adopting out side of their race it is their decision and everyone has their own opinion on it.

I think it's extremely important to talk about the role of racism in adoption, but there seems to be a feeling that racism would make a person refuse to adopt transracially, but there's also an aspect that racism that might make some people more comfortable adopting transracially. In adoption communities, there is quite a bit of a "love sees no color" type of perspective, which is really rooted in racism (undoubtedly a more subtle form of racism, but it's there nonetheless). Many white adoptive parents see race as unimportant or irrelevant, which is an idea that comes from a place of privilege. I was uncomfortable with adopting transracially because I couldn't reconcile it with my understanding of racism in America. I don't have anything against transracial adoption, but I couldn't get past the fact that on the surface, it felt like it was tinged with white American imperialism (not only can we take over the whole world, we'll also take your children) - I acknowledge that this will offend some people and that it isn't 100% logical given the reality that more children of color need homes than there are adoptive families of color to take them in, but it is the main reason we ultimately couldn't adopt transracially. It just felt disrespectful to assume that we as white people have the skills and experiences and resources to guide a person of color to navigate a world where they will have to work twice as hard to get half as much. I also really struggled with issues around cultural appropriation and how to navigate that as a transracial adoptive family and I didn't see a lot of discussion around this. I don't have solutions other than to work to fight the racist system that creates a situation where more children of color are in need of families (poverty, unemployment, drugs, the "justice" system, etc.) and for agencies/the state to actively find adoptive parents of color when possible. I give props to white parents adopting transracially who deal with these complexities and don't pretend that they don't exist. I still haven't fully figured out how I feel about it all, but did know that my conflicted feelings would have to be completely resolved before I would be a good parent to a child of color.

I couldn't agree more. Not just adoptive parents, of course, it applies to most white Americans. I felt some of the same things you did, but what pushed me back toward openness was the knowledge that, in the open adoption we're pursuing, our child's birth mother will choose us and she'll do so knowing what her child faces and wanting the best for him or her. Though she may not have as many options at her disposal as other women, she definitely has a choice of adoptive parents, even other parents of color if she so chooses (at least with our agency.) Yet she'll choose us. For me that supersedes the societal pressure in either direction. Thinking on this more, another factor that probably influenced our decision indirectly is being a same-sex couple. We don't fit in now. We won't fit in with a child. There will be no blending in and there could never be. It's simply not an option. It hasn't killed us and it's made us stronger. We've learned to thrive in spite of our visibility and whatever prejudice we experience for it. As a result, the step from where we're at to transracial adoption may be that much smaller than for a heterosexual couple.

I was licensed thru an African American agency (long story) and was quite serious, as well as seriously naive, when I told them I was open to all races (I am white). I will never forget my licensing worker asking me how I would handle teaching a young black man how to handle himself shopping, being pulled over, etc. I was dumbfounded and confused by the question, and she went on to explain that she had to coach her sons on how to browse in stores (hands in pockets) to prevent being watched by security. She went on to explain a few other 'life lessons' that never would have occurred to me. It left me humbled and very saddened at all the aspects of being African American that I never experienced and couldn't truly relate to. Is it fair that these lessons should even need to be taught? I certainly don't think so, but I am hardly in a place to decide whether or not they are necessary. I now have a mixed bag of races in my adopted children, but I certainly went into it with a much more cautious eye towards ensuring that I could find the resources to teach my kids whatever they might need to now, cultural and otherwise.

I think we can all agree that everyone should do what's best for their family. I can definitely see pros and cons for each decision (being open or not).I did end up being placed with a daughter who is CC and has my coloring. No one would ever know she was adopted unless they were told. In a lot of ways, it makes it easier. I don't have to worry about negative comments or stares. I also don't have to worry (as a PP said) about having the knowledge/skills to teach her how to navigate the world as an AA person having to deal with racism.On the other hand, it can be awkward when people who don't know she's adopted say "oh, she looks just like you." or ask questions about the pregnancy. She's still an infant so it doesn't matter now. I'M certainly okay with telling people that I adopted her. When she's older, though, she'll have to decide how to answer. In a way, it would be easier if it was obvious she was adopted. She wouldn't have to wonder about what (if anything) to reveal. Yes, it will give her power to choose whether to reveal her story or not. She won't be outed if she doesn't wish to be. But when people don't automatically know it can become a sort of uncomfortable secret. My job will be to make sure she's comfortable and confident with her story so she doesn't feel it's something she should hide.I had to feed sweet pea when I was in a store that sold natural baby items (cloth diapers, baby wearing gear, breast feeding aids, toys made with organic materials etc.). I definitely got some stares as I was mixing formula. I certainly felt judged for not breast feeding. If it had been obvious she was adopted it wouldn't have been so awkward. But then again, if it was obvious I'm sure I'd have other stories of uncomfortable moments. I'm rambling, I know, but what I'm trying to say is that there's no right or wrong answer.

I agree with thisI think one of the most important realizations that a TRA parent has to have is we can't make that assumption. I don't have those skills. So I need to make sure that there are plenty of people in my son's like to give him that support and guidance. I can be my son's ally and I will always have his back. But I can't teach him how to be a Black male in American.My answer to your concerns was that we live in a very diverse area, we had supportive friends of my son's race, we had the support of an organization right in our backyard (Pact) that works with families like ours, and we were not in denial about the work we would have to do. So we had some tools to meet our son's needs. I'm also realistic enough to recognize that we were not the ideal family for our son. An African American family would have been preferable for him. But for a multitude of reasons, many of which are rooted is racial injustice, that wasn't available for him. And he did need a family.

I wrote a blog post about specifying gender. [url=http://chittisterchildren.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/what-i-get-to-do/]What I Get to Do The Chittister Family[/url] We were open to gender and race the first time we adopted. The second time we adopted, we already had a son and wanted a daughter. We specified race as well - all or part "African American" because our son is biracial (black and white). :hippie: