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I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy on July 16th, Jed Matthew. It's been 10 days since I last saw him. God I miss him so much! And on top of just missing him, postpartum blues have set in, so now I just cry about everything. I burst into tears at meals because now my food no longer nourishes the two of us. Crazy as it may sound, I even feel like I'll miss it when I stop bleeding! All those little connections I had to my baby are disappearing one by one. But more than anything, I just ache to hold my baby, to cuddle and love him. After nine months of carrying him, taking care of myself, and then 6 grueling hours of laboring and birthing him, the 2 short days in the hospital were not nearly enough.
The AP's want the first few months to become a family unit before resuming contact. At the time it made sense and I was like no problem, take all the time you need. But now I can't help but feeling how cruel this is. To be dealing with postpartum blues on top of dealing with the terrible loss.
The AP's are praying for me and my husband, who is also grief-stricken although he doesn't have the hormonal stuff to deal with. It would be such a tremendous comfort to us both to just be able to hold our baby for an hour or 2 each week. We don't want to parent him, we just ache to hold our baby. (Actually, probably any baby would work. Wish I had a close friend with a baby!) Plus, we long to see the AP's. We had gotten really close with them. We were in touch almost daily. They even invited us away with them for the weekend and we had the best time. We were all pals. We've bonded with them, too. I feel like after everything we shared with them--friendship, weekly ultrasounds, the birth, even our 2nd day in the hospital, which was just supposed to be for Jim and I and the baby--and then to be shut out like this, is cruel and it hurts.
They have sent us a couple of updates via e-mail. But would it be too much to ask that they drop by with the baby, just so we can hold him? Why make us wait till October for a one-day visit which will be over in a second? They have Jed 24/7! Do they really think that being allowed a little contact is going to undermine their efforts to become a family?? If my husband and I were the AP's we would not cut them off so cruelly. Of course I realize that we were the ones who chose to give up our child so that he could have a better life than we could provide, so maybe it's poetic justice.
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I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. Unfortunately, this is the big down-side of adoption. I hope Jed's aparents change their minds, but I kind of doubt that happening. I read posts here all the time by aparents who advise each other to do exactly what your son's parents are doing: to not allow the birth/first mother to see the baby for the first few months in order for the bonding process to become more cemented.
Hugs to you, and hang in there. It will get easier...with time. :loveyou:
Thanks for the hugs and support! I really appreciate it. Although each day has its difficult moments, my husband and I are healing slowly and getting through it. My husband has been amazing, and I feel this whole process--creating a life and now grieving together--has brought us closer together. We are so happy and excited for the AP's--they've wanted children for 12 years--but at the same time sad because we are reminded more than ever that once the 30 days are up and the relinquishment papers are signed, we are no longer the parents. All the things we are going to miss is a whole new level of loss--the infant milestones, the first smile, the first words, the first steps. But Jim and I remind ourselves that we made this choice so that Jed could have a chance to lead a normal life, and so that his older brother who has severe autism and mental retardation, could go on enjoying the same level of comfort and care we provide for him. The choice is a win-win for both kids. The leader of our support group phoned me the other night and congratulated us on the birth, as well as the choice we made. She reassured us we were doing the right thing. Unfortunately, she is a classic example of someone whose son's disability tore her family apart. In between sobs, she broke down and told me the only thing her younger son ever wanted was a normal life. It hurts now, she told me, and yes, all the great moments you are going to miss. But just think of the amazing gift you have given your baby--the chance to lead a normal life and to do some amazing things with it. Though I felt truly bad for my friend, I felt better about managing the pain and sense of loss. My husband and I both agreed we would much rather we carry the pain inside of us rather than transfer that onto either or both of our children. We still ache to hold our baby and we are still acutely aware of the loss of missing all those precious baby moments. But now we are more back where we were before we had the baby and why we made this choice, and now we can't help but feel all the pain and suffering we feel now will in the long run be worth it. So many feel bad for us, and compare our experience to "Sophie's Choice." I've never read the book or seen the movie, but after hearing how the story goes, it sounds like its worth checking out.