Child Not in Agreement with Adoption?!?!?

The moved date is yet to be set. I thought it would be last week. I was told it would be next week. Now? I don't know.

How frustrating! Especially because I'm sure the plan was for them to be somewhat settled in before school starts! Hang in there!!

JMO - I would not adopted a 9 year old that did not want to be adopted. That is a set up for all to fail. She should go to counseling and work through her reasons for this decision.

I'd tend to agree with you, but you should see her here. She is so happy. She said she wished I had adopted her a long time ago. At times she seemed overwhelmed with joy and would grab me for a big hug. She told my daughter "Life is NOT good. Everyday is a bad day in CA." She didn't want to go back to CA. I think the part about never seeing her mom again is the problem, which I totally understand. I have talked to them about contact. We'll see. I texted with her worker today. I hope to talk to her later today and see what we are really dealing with. She said she has already talked to her mom. Mom will talk to her about her wishes for them all to be together. I'm hoping between mom talking to her and a little contact in the future, she'll be comfortable moving forward.

Would it be possible for you to keep her in your home as a long-term foster placement, or to obtain legal guardianship of her instead of doing an adoption? You mentioned that an open adoption is an option for you, but does the child know that it is, and would that at all change her feelings?It just seems like a lot of the things foster kids fear about adoption (permanently severing ties to the original family, loss of contact, etc.) could be solved in some other way besides moving her, depending on the options available in your jurisdiction.In most cases, I believe adoption is the best option for foster kids who have been TPRed and have no safe biological family members to care for them... but cases where the child adamantly doesn't want to be adopted are the exception. Older child adoptions are hard enough even when the child is on board, and are almost impossible when the child is refusing. If I were you, I would postpone a decision about finalization, and get the child some counseling. The counselor should assess whether the child's hesitation is based on inaccurate assumptions that can be corrected (for example, thinking she'll never see her biological mom again,) or whether there actually is some sort of emotional barrier preventing the child from being willing to be adopted.I would not recommend adopting a child who doesn't want to be adopted. That's just setting your family (and the child) up for failure. However, I would start looking into other permanency options that would allow her to stay with you. Adoption isn't necessarily the only option to give her a permanent home, and while I do wholeheartedly believe in adoption in general, I don't think it works for every child. Maybe this kid just needs something different.

TPR was granted. Why do I just want to cry? Relief? Sadness for their mom?

My only experience was when dson's parents signed voluntarily. It was such a complex mix of emotions, relief, anger, happiness, and I am ashamed to say, feelings of revenge towards people who made the whole process more difficult than necessary. The adoption happened within the next 15 min. It was almost too much to take in at one time--I think the parents did not feel the enormity of what had happened until months later. I think dson was overwhelmed also, and did not quite understand what happened until months later.Your grief and joy are real, and it's OK to feel both without guilt. You did not create this situation, you are there for this child.Let us know how you are and what happens. Cyber hugs to you!

Yes and yes. And sadness for the children too. Though it makes them eligible for adoption by you, the thought of a mom's parental rights being terminated IS a sad thing for a child you love. No matter how badly it needed to be done. Children are supposed to be lovingly and properly cared for by the parents they are born to. When they can't be, there is going to be pain. When I was called to go pick up my kids from the SW after RU with their mom failed, (a two hour drive, meeting the SW half way), I was TREMENDOUSLY relieved, having known the RU wouldn't work, SO happy to be getting my kids, and so SAD that they had so much emotional mess to deal with. I too felt like crying, and did, I also felt scared of the task I was taking on and could I be the momma they desperately need. I just had to go into automatic mom mode and do what needed to be done compassionately, and not let on that I felt a mess too. Years later, we have talked about it a little.

Actually if I was adopted I would have changed my name back, after I turn 18 years old. I wish they let me see my parents, every week until I aged out. I never told anyone I didn't want to be adopted, but was glad I never was adopted, because I never wanted to. If she's been living in a differents state all these years and then went to another home, yes she has no choice but to move on, but it doesn't mean she will have a mommy bond.

Or she understand, she'll never go back to Ca, is trying to get her mind to believe she doesn't want to go back, because she cant.

Crazy Woman What age were you when you would have been adoptable? Why were you so against being adopted? I just can't see how a 9 yo girl would be better served by being in foster care for nine more years. I hope she'll be truly happy with us, but I realize she will always have conflicted emotions. I raised my stepdaughters from ages 10 and 11. I know in the early years they both wanted to go live with their mother at times. As adults they have both been very thankful that we raised them. Our 24 yo wants to "break up with her mother" now and is considering having me adopt her. I know their lives would have been drastically different and not for the better if they had been raised by their mother.

Both...hugs honey. Sounds like she is torn between two moms and two worlds.

Between 9 to 11 years old. My worker tried to talk to me about being adopted, I would just say things, so nobody would want to adopt me. Except I was afraid to tell my foster parent or worker, that I didn't want to be adopted. We had first names picked out and everything. Anyways my grand parents came into the pics, foster parents thought since they were family, they wouldn't fight it, but it didn't happened. Still lived with foster parents, I think they were getting pic, that I didn't want to be adopted. Anyways I so glad I didn't get adopted, I still wouldn't have wanted to be adopted. I guess I had to much of an bond with my parents, not much of a bond with my foster parents. Actully I had always wanted to live with my parents, Found out later, that I should have been living with them. Maybe, I would have been happier if I still got to see my parents more.

As with a lot of things, this is a grieving process for her and in some ways for you too. Even at age 4, my dd wanted to stay with her bmom. And yet, logistically, kids just truly don't get why it's not possible. (she's 14 now)Being in foster care for a lifetime is not generally in the best interest of a child, imo. That doesn't mean a child is going to be "happy" about losing their loved ones. Better doesn't mean happiness, kwim? Right now she's grieving and needs time to do that, accept it, and heal.Just continue to be there for her and support her. ((HUGS))

I think maybe that's part of why there's a conflict. If you can't see her point of view, you can't help make the decision. Kids do see advantages in staying "in care" versus being adopted. My son's siblings have talked about it (and like my son, they were adopted as soon. Unlike my son, they were in relative adoptions.) They've talked about the finality of adoption. About the loss of connection to the birth family---again they were adopted by close relatives. One big issue for them that is different that in your situation, is that they feel like that "lost" a brother (my son). There is also a matter of perceived independence. Kids in care can (seemingly) make more decision than once adopted. They could go to CW, therapists, judges etc when they didn't "like" a foster parent's decision (I'm not talk about abuse or anything, just the everyday disagreements between parent and child). Added to which, there can be a sense of excitement that comes from the choas of foster care. And then there's magical thinking. I looked at adopting one girl who said no. Her plan was that when her current foster parents moved out of state, she was going to stay in the current home. Her special needs (already adopted) sibling was going to move in with her and she was going take care of him and everything would be just like with should be with just the two of them. Soooo, it could be all, none or any combination of these kinds of thoughts. Maybe she'd benefit from pre-adoptive counseling.