Advertisements
Okay, so my partner and I have looked into foster to adopt programs and were dissapointed...but this is not the same really. My first cousin is an idiot who had her oldest taken away and her rights to him severed. It's a very long and elaborate story but he is almost 15, is behind in school, and has anger problems. He has spent most of the last year in a treatment facily and has shown signs of improvement. His main problem is that he was given to his grandfather who loves him...but unfortunately who is married and his grandmother hates him and sides with the daughter. So he was rather set up to fail sadly. He did steal some beer and get drunk and punched a whole through a glass window while angry..again about a year ago-ish. He was accused of theft from a neighbor...but no proof was given. My mother is a CPS worker but not his SW because of the relation. His SW asked if my partner and I would be interested at all in Family Placement. He is in VA and we are in MD. It's weird because in VA you can't foster or adopt if you are gay and living together...but you can in MD. The SW knows me Very very well because I practically grew up in the offices with my Mom, so she is comfortable with the offer...Anyway. The question to everyone is ...well should I even consider this?We wanted to adopt a teen out of the foster care system. We know all of them will have issues. At least we know what his issues are flat out. I like the kid. I always have. I have known him all his life. Given him Christmas presents and taken him to theme parks without his Mother. I would be horrified to learn he was in a random foster home yet again when he could be with people who already do love him. But is this a big much for a young 30s couple who have never raised kids? (my wife is however a high school teacher so has Lots of teen experience sorta)Would you do it? Has anyone here done it?What about the out of state stuff? I have learned that VA does not offer kinship care...so no benefits from their end anyway. It's apparently like a full adoption. Any stories would be great!
Like
Share
I would talk to the child, since he is family. If he wants to come, and you lay out all of your rules and expectations, then consider it. Make it sound really tough though. If you plan a 10:00 bedtime, tell him 9:00, ect. If he is willing to put up with the "tough" rules, then he may be willing to follow the slightly easier ones when he gets there. You will have to be very committed, but I think it would be great if you are able to. Your wife will be able to help him in school with scheduling tutoring, Special Ed classes if he needs them, and get him on track to graduate. You can monitor him for bad behaviors, and give it a real chance. My only question would be what would happen if this doesn't work out. Would he go back to his grandfather, or CPS? Also, why can't you be a foster home for him, or receive assistance? I would really check all of that out too, since he is so close to college age. Good luck, move carefully on all of it, and I would give it a try if you think you are a good home for him. He probably won't be any more or less difficult than any other teen who may enter your home.
Advertisements
I do kinship, but its for my niece and nephew who are much younger and their parents are in the same county. So I can't give you all the advice you are looking for, but here is what I know. Kinship care giving can be very tough, I personally know too much about their background and have too many feelings towards the situation and that really can get the best of me at times. Bio mom (my sister) and bio dad really tried to take advantage of the situation for quite a few of the first few months and it took a lot to push through that and set up boundaries. The CW at times, I feel, does not help/give me the same help I think ordinary FP's possibly receive and I have been threatened that if I am not friend's with bio's they will remove the kids??With all that said, it feels amazing to take in two kids I have watched grow up and that I love very much. It is awesome to watch them grow and change. At times I see a lot of their parents in the, which is hard (and maybe I wouldn't see it as much if I wasn't related) but truthfully as you said I can't imagine putting them in a random foster home. Overall they are great kids and when it comes to them and what I feel is best I wouldn't have it any other way...Good luck and really just follow what your heart says and make sure you and your partner are on the same page, if you're not a team about this it will make it very tough. Also, I am in CA so it may be different, but definitely look in to possible kinship assistance, here we get the same as the foster care rate.
Ugh..well it looks like this is a no-go. Because I am in a lesbian household (even though it is legal in my state to foster or adopt) it's not legal in his state. So while they are happy to place him with me...it would be without ANY benefits or continued help with things like therapy or support. I also could not do a trial period. It would be a forever placement. He needs extensive therapy and medication and I would have to add all of that to my medical...it's just beyond what we can afford. Feeding and clothing a 15 year old would be hard enough without help...but add in the rest and it's too much. I feel like a failure and so selfish. I want to adopt from foster care. Particularly teens or sibling groups, but I just don't feel ready for THIS much so soon!
First, do not feel guilty. You can help a different child in the future. Sign up to do respite if you want to make a difference now. I think its a much to put a teen with someone young thirties and then not give them any services. Its really setting you up for failure. As for the the gay issue, he is actually old enough to qualify for independant living. The money and support (including medicaid) would go to him directly and not to you directly. I have had teens get "room and board" from people who would not otherwise qualify as foster parents. Not sure if it would work across state lines but it is worth a try if it is important enough to you.
Feel your pain.Love NevadaJen's advice.I wonder, is it possible for you to contact him, and/or the people with whom he will apparently live now, and be some sort of resource for him? Perhaps visit there and take him on outings, or even have him come spend the weekend? Even sending him a book or something similar from time to time. Or phone calls. I call this being the "fairy godmother" in a child's life -- a special, magical resource, that's always caring, always helpful. It can actually be easier to do that when *not* living with a child. Just a thought.
Advertisements