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My agency threw me in the deep end and my compassion stuck me there. We were a traditional foster home and had just gotten our license (no prior placements for us or kids in our house) when they asked us to take in a 4 year old who is now specialized due to behavior. I declined as I did not want to be specialized and then they called us for respite for him for about a week last Wednesday and I accepted as it seemed like a short time and a way to prepare ourselves for a more permanent placement. He has since attached to me and i have attached to him so we agreed to keep him for longer maybe even to adoption as his parents rights are terminated, but his behaviour outside of home and at bathtime or changing pull up time is getting worse and worse. He runs from us at stores and has to grab everything and he throws hitting kicking screaming throwing fits when asked to leave play areas. Today he bit me after leaving a restaurant with a play area because i was trying to prevent him from hitting my husband. It was later in the day too so that was probably part of the problem. We have recieved no specialization training yet except the book beyond consequences volume two and he is supposed to have a behavioral specialist, but there is a problem and that will not start until possibly next week or later. I think part of the problem is that he refuses to sleep until probably close to midnight yet wakes up around 7 or 8 every morning. We are also transitioning his medication from adderal + a sleep med to just intunive if medicaid will cover it ever. He started the more severe behavior after a visit with extended family members at a mcdonalds playplace (not the same restaurant where the last outburst occurred.)My husband is worried about keeping him, but I desperately do not want to give up on this usually sweet boy. I know he is testing us and gets worse when we don't give him choices or if we get angry right back at him which is hard not to do, but we are trying. I just needed a vent and to hear that we are not alone in dealing with a foster child like this. I would also love any advice about getting him to actually sleep instead of playing with his dresser or other non-toys, bathe, get his poopy/ pee-filled pull ups changed without an argument or to get him to actually tell me when he has to go but is playing, and how to get him away from play areas when it is time to leave too.
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AnnieMouse
[He has since attached to me and i have attached to him so we agreed to keep him for longer maybe even to adoption as his parents rights are terminated,
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This may just be a trauma response. I would highly recommend getting the Love and Logic parenting AUDIO books. I prefer the audio because they playact several situations giving you a better feel for the style of parenting. I have had kiddos similar to this before, and structure, routine and non-reaction to the behaviors (as in emotional reaction) has worked well. I have gotten my bland face down to an art :eyebrows:
Take him in for a developmental assessment, if you can. Remind hubby that you don't HAVE to adopt him, but it would be a tremendous help to this child to keep him in your home at least until he can be adopted. Obviously, his behaviors will just get worse with another move.
The other suggestion I have is to keep his world very small right now - avoid places with lots of excitement, etc. another great book is Karen purvis' book, which has a lot of very concrete advice for this age.
Feel free to pm!
Crazy woman... he clings to me whenever anyone from the agency comes over and I have only known him slightly over a week. He called me mommy like the first day. So it is probably not a real attachment, but as close as he can get. His counselor and caseworker call it an attachment, but still say they want attachment therapy for him so I am guessing they think maybe RAD. His mother has surrendered rights and his father asked for more time to decide whether to surrender or be terminated so no visits with them. The visit that triggered was grandparents early this week and they may terminate those due to his behavior. His last foster parents were relatives so I am sure he misses them. Yesterday, before the incident, we went to WIC and he kept saying that he went to WIC with them so I think that was a trigger.Myoddlife, the audio books sound like a great idea
Calling you mommy after only a week is actually a huge sign for attachment problems. I think his counselor and CW are dead on in getting him into attachment therapy. True attachment is a very deep bond that cannot be formed in a healthy manner in only a week, IMO. My advice is to get an attachment assessment done by a trained attachment professional who also has experience in autism. I'd also recommend reading Parenting the Hurt Child and Adopting the Hurt Child by Greg Keck. Excellent starters when delving into the world of attachment.This little guy sounds like he has a lot going on and will need the best advocate possible. As long as you and your DH can get on the same page, I think you have a great chance of really helping him.
One thing I will recommend that may help is an indoor trampoline, the kind with a bar for the kid to hold onto. Play places with other kids and lots of color and stuff to do will be over stimulating. If you have a back yard maybe a soft rubber ball that he can run after and kick would be good for getting rid of energy. Kids with adhd do better if they have a safe way to expend energy. A sit and spin is also good. I second the recommendation of the books above. There are also videos on-line that you can watch I am pretty sure I found some Karyn Purvis ones a while back. I also Christine Moores, she is nontraditional and funny, but knows a lot about this stuff.
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Actually children with rad do cling to parents in front of other people. It's a show. My son will not hug me still in public, but in church he will often sit in my lap and hug me. It's all for show, he loves it when the little old ladies say how sweet and loving he is. Also rad kids often honeymoon, it's common for them to run up to a new parent and hug them and call them mom and dad. This is not what a normal child does. Normal kids are not comfortable hugging a stranger or calling them mom and dad.
momraine
Actually children with rad do cling to parents in front of other people. It's a show. My son will not hug me still in public, but in church he will often sit in my lap and hug me. It's all for show, he loves it when the little old ladies say how sweet and loving he is. Also rad kids often honeymoon, it's common for them to run up to a new parent and hug them and call them mom and dad. This is not what a normal child does. Normal kids are not comfortable hugging a stranger or calling them mom and dad.
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He will cuddle me at times in private like at bedtime or when watching tv, he does hug me if I ask (unless he is mad that he didn't get his way or we could not understand him) or he's trying to cuddle, and he will laugh sometimes when I tickle him even though he doesn't act ticklish other times. He thinks it is funny to scream "Help me mommy" when my husband picks him up and I think that's the only time he really calls me anything anymore though I think he has called me by his previous placement's name. He's not used to male role models and calls my husband by his name. So it is probably not RAD, but just an attachment issue. I think he may just be traumatized like previous posts have said and frustrated that he can't express himself in a way we understand.
AnnieMouse
He will cuddle me at times in private like at bedtime or when watching tv, he does hug me if I ask (unless he is mad that he didn't get his way or we could not understand him) or he's trying to cuddle, and he will laugh sometimes when I tickle him even though he doesn't act ticklish other times. He thinks it is funny to scream "Help me mommy" when my husband picks him up and I think that's the only time he really calls me anything anymore though I think he has called me by his previous placement's name. He's not used to male role models and calls my husband by his name. So it is probably not RAD, but just an attachment issue. I think he may just be traumatized like previous posts have said and frustrated that he can't express himself in a way we understand.