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How do you deal with attitude with RAD kiddos? What are you're methods? We recently tried doing daily and weekly incentives and was met with disaterous results. The expectation is: Do as your told, promptly. Be nice, respectful and courteous. Do not cop an attitude, go to your room if you feel frustrated. No arguing. Get chores done in a reasonable amount of time. But now we are arguing about the rules and the expectations and the time limits, etc. I just want to throw in the towel on the whole thing. It isn't worth it for the RAD child to earn the privilege, so why should I force it on them, they will want it when they want it bad enough, instead it's just became a game of how can I control the situation, how can I bend the rules and manipulate things? It isn't worth it to me, I was just offering a way to earn priviliges back that were taken away, there's nothing in it for me, it's more of a burden to me to have to try to explain the rules, and argue about them later. If the child isn't willing to make an effort why should I go out of my way to give them privileges back they don't want? Why can't we just leave things the way they were? I thought the child was frustrated about not having privileges but really the child was frustrated about not having control. That's all there is to it. Let's not give the child any more choices or control. Let's just leave it the way it was. Go back to nothing. The reason we are struggling so much is that we knew nothing about RAD for the first year and a half and are now have to go backwards to try to fix things. We never would have started off on the wrong foot if we knew what we knew now about RAD. :hissy:
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How old is your child and how long has he/she been with you?
None of the "positive rewards" stuff work with my DD (who is not even full blown RAD, just has 'attachment issues'). When she does get a reward or something positive, she almost immediately sabotages and does whatever she can to get back to that place where she is 'in trouble'. We tried star charts, we tried money, we tried asking her what she wanted to work for and made it relatively easily attainable. It just doesn't work.
With her, if we're giving her something, we have to NOT make a big deal out of it. It's just 'ho hum', slip some new clothes in her drawer and not even tell her that we're doing so.
We talk a lot about what she has choices about and what she does not. If your kiddo is of reading age, make the rules about what she needs to do very concrete, write them down, and direct her to those written down rules. Tell her "You can choose to earn (whatever) or not, it doesn't matter to me. It is YOUR choice. If you don't want (whatever), then you don't have to have it." You have to mean this - that you do NOT really care. RAD kids are fantastic at figuring out what pushes your buttons.
Also, I'd make your rules more concrete. And honestly, I'd work on one thing at a time. Your rules seem like too much to me, especially for a kid that isn't doing any of them. I'd set no more than 3 things to work on (even for a teenager - for a younger child, I'd work on one or even two things at a time). Example: Do your chores (fold laundry, empty dishwasher, sweep floor) by 6 pm every evening. 'Reasonable' amount of time is WAY too vague (even for my husband!!)
I know that the rules you listed seem like they are common sense and not something that your child should "earn" anything for doing. It's super hard to reward kids for something they SHOULD be doing anyway.
Also, remember that you need to show your RADlet love even when you're totally P.O.'d. This has been a VERY hard one for me. I've finally (after four years) gotten to a point where I can say 'I love you very much. I'm angry with you right now, so I don't want a hug, but I do love you. I hope you make better choices tomorrow." I know that I should be giving her a hug and telling her I love her ... I just can't do it. It's taken me 4 years to get to this point. It's a work in progress.
Hope that helps!