Abandonment Issues

I know this is an older thread - but I just saw it today. There's a tape that plays in my head. It tells me that I'm not worth loving. It tells me that the person I'm with is going to leave. It tells me to harden my heart so that it won't hurt when it's over. But it's all lies - the tape. It's not truth. Once I realized that I was playing this tape in my head, I could begin to turn the volume down. I let the tape ruin my first marriage and I took a long time to allow anyone to get close again. Everyone one with abandonment issues has a tape that plays in their mind. The words are different but most of the time, we're the ones hitting the play button. It's a defense mechanism to prevent that hurt. I was shuffled from family member to family member, not allowed to see my dad, adopted and then rejected by my step dad. My tape is a result of all those things.The first step is learning to recognize when your tape starts to play. Once you recognize that internal dialogue starting, tell yourself it's not true. Turn it off basically. Refuse to listen. It's a constant process. I have to regularly remind myself not to listen to these ghosts in my mind. Find a way to recognize your tape, your ghost, that inner voice that starts telling you that this person can't possible stay with you. Then work conciously on ignoring that voice, at reminding yourself that the dialogue is wrong. You can do this. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of practice. But you can do it. It took me years, but I don't listen to that tape anymore. Every so often it trys to play, but I can turn it off now.

Iwannabeajedi, I didn't see your post when you first made it but I can sure understand how you'd be confused and angry after finding that out.

dmarie, it's easy to understand how you feel. I won't go into all the psycho-bable that's always around.I have always felt that I am an outsider. I can only guess that when the adoption sentence was handed down, being an outsider was a part of the package.Because of the way I came up, there were serious trust issues. Then what followed was the lack of attachment - not to everyone, mostly to my a-folks. Altho, I hated everyone and the affects of the daily operation of my life.So I understand your feelings. As I have gotten older, my feelings of lack of attachment have become less - maybe because the trust issue is not so prominent. Altho, it has taken more than 40 years to heal and no I longer accept that people are not into outsiders and because of those feelings I have felt less than equal all my life.I never share my story because as long as it remains unshared, I am an equal. Once shared, I became "different" in their eyes.I wish you the best.

I wish I could say ihave, but I'm dealing with it still. I'm 32. I would like it to end as well! knowing someone have you away gives you this fear that you will never be good enough. If my birth mom didn't want me why would any body else? That's what my thinking gas and still is. Sad really

dmarie, I agree with you % 100.As adoptees all of us have tapes that surface that are painful. We have to learn to stop them as you did.My mechanism for dealing with the hurt is to admit openly to myself that this "hurts me." It sometimes takes several times for the admission to take hold, but gradually the sequence of hurt begins to end.Once it has ended, I can move on to other things and there seems to be a feeling of strength that "I have won" one more time.I have practiced this technique for a long time now, and i can truthfully say that the triggers and hurt from the tapes have almost gone.The triggers and demons come less and less now, and when they come, they are only visual as someone looking at them objectively from a distance.I have worked hard to put all the tapes, memories, and grief and loss in a single place in my closet. I know whats in there and I know that if I wanted to review all those things, I could. It is also known where each of those stories go and the fact that when they get reviewed, even tho the outcome is known, there is still the suck-in effect which forces me to follow it to the end. I've been there 1000 times, there is no need to go any more.I know that healing has occurred, but it cant be measured. Perhaps that's the best part, to be grateful that the healing has occurred.I wish you the best.

I have also been dealing with a lot of these issues. One thing that REALLY helped me was this book: "Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again" by Jeffrey E. Young. It is on amazon and is very cheap. This book isn't specifically related to adoption, but I felt like it covered issues that adoptees face really well. It has helped me to make better choices in my relationships with others and it has helped me stop being so afraid to let people get close to me. It has been a lot of work, just reading it hasn't "fixed everything" but it has helped me to be more aware of my issues and there is suggestions for how to do some things differently. But I have to say the most helpful part was being aware in situations when I started to think negative and then realizing what those feelings were really about. Seriously the book is great!!!!

Do any of you get a visual of abandonment? When I am feeling abandoned, my minds eye shows a picture of a desert with no oasis in sight.

Hey Tank, I read your post regarding the feelings that surface in abandonment.In my head there are 2 levels of abandonment.The 1st type was involuntary when I was very young, 3-5.My 1st a-mother had died when I was 3 and my a-father became a single parent to a child he didn't want. There was abandonment which lasted the 18 years I knew him. There are no visual triggers or flashbacks that come at that time, only a profound sense of grief and loss and a wish that things had been different.The 2nd type of abandonment is one I created to get rid of my a-family. They were demanding, and abusive. Criticism was constant and even as we grew into adults, my 2 sibling brothers ( altho not related) continued to make financial and emotional demands.It became clear that my refusal to give in and be used was a problem. As a result, I called them all together and indicated it was time for a "divorce."So at this point, yes, there is abandonment but it is of my choosing. As a result, I can keep them at bay, and live peacefully alone. The side effects of lonliness, as well as grief and loss related to the abandonment issues, were a part of what I agreed to accept rather than be involved with my a-family.I wish you the best.

I write a blog about adoption that you might like. This is the most recent post: [url]https://thatadoptedgirljulianawhitney.wordpress.com/2014/09/02/why-i-think-tove-los-habits-totally-applies-to-adopted-kids/#more-163[/url] It touches on issues adoptees have and there will be more to come :).

I write a blog about adoption that you might like at thatadoptedgirljulianawhitney.wordpress.com. I also have thatadoptedgirl.com I talk about adoption from an adoptees perspective trying to make it as real as possible. This is a topic I can definitely touch on :). Join the conversation! My contact info is on the website .

Hey! Check out [url]www.thatadoptedgirl.com[/url] I talk about adoption from an adoptee's perspective in an open, honest and raw way. This is definitely a topic I can touch on :).

Psychoanalysis therapy. It works with the subconscious -such as being abandoned at birth- and explores how it affects our lives with greater awareness in the conscious.

My husband was adopted at birth. We found his b-mom and discovered she had two older daughters when he was born and was married. What had happened was she had been raped while her husband was out at sea in the Navy. He refused to believe it was a rape, however the man was arrested for another rape about two years later. He wouldn't accept the child. She had no job skills and three children. One of the little girls was from a previous marriage. She had also had a c-section and her family sided with her husband. What was she to do? She was in no position to support herself and three children without help. The fact that a married couple relinquishes a child does not necessarily mean that they are selfish. Joyce wanted her baby very much and tried later to get him back. She and her daughters have been a real blessing in our lives.

Hi JLB, I'm so glad your husband was able to locate and have a relationship with his first family. I was conceived after a date rape and my first mother also told me she had wanted to keep me. Knowing those facts helps me to understand "what happened" (which is important) but it did not help my anxieties about relationships. Therapy was needed for that. To the OP from quite a while ago... Someone on another group for adult adoptees suggested this book: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I'm still reading it. I've found there is a lot in there about how a combination of awareness and body work can help a lot.

I thought it was only me with abandoment issues. Maybe I was always told that my reactions to circumstanes was not normal by my adoptive family.I feel like I have been through a double whammy. The feeling of rejection by my birth family, and as an adult who was always told that regardless of the family I was raised in, I was always going to be like my birth family, rejection by my adoptive family.Most of the time I go through feeling of what is wrong with me. Why do I care too much? Why do I fight til the end for those I love. It's my fear of abondoment. But alas it is inevitable. I have learnt that no matter how much I love people and allow them into my life, I am always destined to be hurt, as I have a problem with letting go, and most others don't.Now I find myself nearly 40, single and not sure if I know how to love anyone special, or be loved by anyone. It does suck not knowing where you fit in the world, but I keep on keeping on, cause there's gotta be something right??Does anyone else have these type of feelings or unloveness?