afraid to be loved, so I make myself unlovable

Hi everyone, My name is Vale and Im 20 years old. I was adopted at birth by loving parents who have given me all the love and support they can, but who I believe fundamentally donҒt understand me and arent prepared to hear what I will tell you in this post. My adoption was semi-open with my bmother, but we have never truly connected. When we meet she gives me expensive gifts but does not know how to connect with me. I believe this is because she is an adoptee as well, but of a closed adoption from South Korea. I myself am half korean and look nothing like my adopted parents. She has three daughters (my half sisters), but I have never really reached out to them because they are much younger than me and I sometimes feel like I am imposing or invading her new family. She was very young when she had me, which is why I was given up for adoption. My adopted parents have one biological daughter who is two years younger than me, and I am extremely close to her although there are times when I think I might hurt her by pushing her away, much like I do with the rest of my adopted family. I am blessed to have family and friends who love me very much, and although I care about them I will sometimes go weeks without calling them back. I feel like no one really knows me or understands what I go through emotionally. Not only do we look completely different, but we have completely different views on the world.... they are extremely conservative and religious people who married one another right after high school. They never drink and never did drugs... they have never left the country... this is not a bad thing but I know that I am very different. I have been on a quest of self discovery since I turned 16, at which point I began going to ғhippie festivals and exploring my spirituality. I met many interesting people and traveled extensively, taking lsd, shrooms, mdma and many many other drugs. I began engaging in high risk behavior after I turned 18 and went to college, at which point I moved to New York and attended a very prestigious school on a large scholarship. To supplement my income I began sleeping with business men for large amounts of money. I have not regretted this yet but question what it is about me that enables me to do such a thing without feeling remorse. I sometimes feel very empty inside. I currently have a loving boyfriend who I have been with for 9 months. ItԒs the only serious relationship I have ever had, but I am constantly lying and cheating on him. I dont know why I do this, because I love him so much and hate myself for hurting him... and yet I cannot bring myself to face to truth: that I am hurting the ones who love me most and hurting myself in the process. I feel like my life thus far has pushed my boundaries to the point of demoralization. I am so sensitive about peoples feelings and IҒm always helping my friends with their problems but have never told them about mine. No one knows that I am so promiscuous and cant control myself... no one knows that I shoplift thousands of dollars in food and clothing for almost no reason. I am constantly lying to everyone about big and small things and tell grandiose stories that never happened. Sometimes I even believe my own lies, so overwhelming is my denial about myself and my emotional problems. This is the very first time I have sat down to write about it and as I do so I am sobbing. I feel so empty. There is so much pain I feel, I am so afraid to be loved that I make myself unlovable. My family is so wonderful but for some reason I seemed to have rejected the life that they wanted for me... no one knows how much pain I feel inside, I keep it bottled up. I have alienated myself from everyone who loves me. Only recently have I begun to question if these issues stem from my adoption, or if IҒm simply crazy. I know that this isnt a forum for professional help... all I am looking for is some support. I just want to know if anyone can relate to what I have written or if you have any input at all. Thank you for letting me share my story with you, and for any advice or thoughts you might have. Vale