What to tell, BTDT?

I agree with Hunterdon. They need to know that you are honest. We have an open adoption after foster care. We have two visits per year. We do let his questions drive what we share. Kind of like our approach to sex - when he asks questions, we answer in an honest, age appropriate way. I have seen research that advises that adopted kids should know the details of their adoption no later than 12 years old. The idea is that they should know the facts before they hit puberty. There is enough of an identity crisis in puberty - deal with the adoption stuff so you aren't dealing with it at the same time. For me - I just want to be honest with my son - and hope that builds a strong enough relationship between him & me that we can get through whatever struggles he has - isn't that the best any of us can hope for? I answer his questions and give him the best answers I can. It isn't perfect. His history isn't perfect. He's not perfect, but he is fabulous. Good luck.

We are no where near where you are yet, but your questions are pertinent to our potential situation some day. The FK's we are getting are legally free/parents rights have been terminated and there will be no contact with their biofamily. After learning biomom's name the other day, the first thing I did was check FB & sure enough, she has an active FB account. I am prematurely terrified that FD7 will stumble upon it some day & initiate contact. This is not a woman/family I want in our lives at all while the kids are minors. (After that I realize I have no control.) So, thanks for asking the question...I'm curious to see all of the advice.

to Fiveplus: while I totally appreciate the need to set appropriate boundaries - and I also limit my son's access to his bmom (we do visits 2x per year), I am uncomfortable reading your statement I quoted. So long as your children are in your life, their bmom will be in your life. You can limit her access, but you can't necessarily limit her influence. She is a part of their history and therefore, part of your lives.

We are honest with our son about his past and the current status of his birth family. If he asks, we tell him. Often I bring things up myself, when a related discussion comes up, just so he knows the reality. He'd like to believe only the good. He's now of an age (almost 12), that sometimes I give him the option. For example, we were at a new doctor last week and were talking about birth family history. I told him "I'm going to talk about some things right now that may make you sad. Would you like to stay, or wait outside?". He chose to wait outside.Edited to add: I've got a couple significant things that I'm not sure how to tell him. If ever asked, I will tell him the truth, but it's going to be painful. Eventually he'd have to know, as I'd rather he not find out online or from someone else. But I'm not ready to bring it up quite yet.

Oh, and on birthfamily contact. It's been a huge relief for my son to know that he's loved and thought of. Having the support of his birthfamily has helped a lot in his attachment to us.

I lean toward full honesty. The condition that the birth mother is in is part of the real world. Part of parenting is teaching children how to deal with the real world while they still have the safety and security of "home". I think we tend to think of "developmentally appropriate" in terms of the minimum information available, when it we should think of it in terms of the most information available. Yes, it is difficult to learn about a parent (parent or adoptive) doing the kinds of things that causes police involvement, but its easier to learn about it in the context of family presented at a time of calm when parents can model a compassionate, strong response.....as opposed to say when the child is 18, struggling with developmental identity and independence issues, and they've looked up birth mom who still has the kinds of issues that lead to police involvement. ETA: the other thing is too that I think sometimes we look at broad stroke answers. Ultimately, it is about what works in your family and that particular child. My son's siblings are all in different families--each family is taking a different approach. But more each of the siblings is different, and needs a different approach to openness.

Thank you for all the input so far. It is really helping me mull it over. Keep it coming if anyone else has more. I'm really hearing the honesty-best-policy message here. Ordinarily I would let her questions drive the conversation (like we also do with sex, c.a.), but she doesn't ask. She will make comments about bmom from time to time, but not ask any questions. Which is not to say, despite how it may appear, that she doesn't want to know anything. (She hung on every word we shared before, even though she didn't ask for it - we sensed her need to know base on her general commentary on foster care.) She just doesn't know what questions to ask. Coming clean on this would mean sitting her down and saying, "We have some difficult things to share with you about your mom." Which is straightforward, I guess, but also feels kind of mean. To her and her mom. I mean, there's also the fact that the negative information is all that's available. I mean, I can't find on the internet whether amidst her criminal activity, she's also taking care of her grandma, or visiting her other child, or is really sweet with her dog, or baking awesome cookies, or whatever, you know? kenzie - Revealing to our daughter what we had received from bfam also strengthened our bond. It initially let loose a flood gate of all kinds of feelings - sadness, anger, longing, relief, happiness. The lasting effect, though, is the security and trust she clearly feels, and the freedom to show her love and longing for bfam. And I love the way you posed the option to your son, and just wish I could do the same. My girl, though, has cat-killin' curiosity. She will want to KNOW regardless of the impact the knowledge might have. She's not, at this point, able to weigh the emotional impact of her choices.

Talked to Bug last night, and it went great. Her first two questions, though, were "How long have you known?" and "Why didn't you tell me immediately?" :rolleyes: She surprised me by not pushing for details. Just a quick confirmation that the "unsafe choices" included the reasons for her removal that she already knows about. There was plenty of space in the conversation to ask for more details and how we found out, but she didn't go there. Learn something new everyday... Thanks again for the perspective and support.

Just wanted to say I am a few years ahead of you (my older kids are 16 and 17) but you are definitely on the right track. The information is out there -- and it is easy, relatively, to find. I feel very comfortable being able to stare my kids in the eyes and tell them I have been 100% honest with them. Even on the really horrible stuff. It doesn't erase their fantasy of the perfect birth family that would rescue them from their horrible, strict parents ;) but they know, deep deep down that we have their back, and would be honest - ALWAYS. I know they trust me, and that counts for a lot during the teen years.

I'm glad the conversation went well, despite the information you had to share. We've had those moments, too. Reading this forum I realized that saying "we'd talk about it when you're older" is not the best way of handling it. This is the answer she would get from her bio mom, and then she would come to me for clarification. I've also offered an "out" for her. If the information is distressing I'll let her know that it might make her sad and ask if she still wants to know.

does bug,know what issues bmom struggles with?You can say you recieved information that she is not handling things well in her life at this time.but you hope she will be doing better soon.

I have also always been very open with my foster/adopt kids regarding their histories and birth families. I want them to know the truth and to know that they can come and talk with me about it and that I will be honest with them.

Reading these forums has really given me great information regarding how to address the situation should we ever get to adopt a child from foster care.... But how do you handle it while they're still in foster care? The same? In our PRIDE training, they made it very clear to never speak badly about the BPs. And I would never outright bash or badmouth them... But what if part of the truth is bad - which I assume it will be since the kids are in care to begin with. Could telling the truth regarding the issues be considered speaking badly about them? I mean... Do you say the parents abused them - or did drugs - or whatever? Or just "they made bad choices"? I know it will vary based on the situation, child, and age... I'm just not sure how to walk that line in general when they still belong to the state.

Yes - her lifebook tells the simple facts. That's why she asked the question she asked. When I said we found out that bmom "wasn't doing well" and was "struggling again with making safe choices", she asked, "Is she xxx again?" (xxx being her reason for removal.) Once she confirmed that, she had no further questions.

I feel there is a difference between being truthful and open regardign bad circumstances verses bad mouthing. Infact I've always "made excuses" for birthparents in a way by blaming their behaviour on their drug/alchohol use and how "it" caused the issues not their lack of love for the child. That way the child could understand that it wasn't them that was rejected or bad but it was the drug or alchohol or mental disorder etc that prevented the birthparent from being the parent she needed to be.